03 August,2012 04:40 PM IST | | Janhavi Samant
Red alert: Our âmulk' is in danger. A dreaded assassin Kabir is on the loose, having killed more than 29 important people, in Sri Lanka. The Indian Intelligence Bureau (IB) desperately need a porn star to seduce this assassin and look for his âdata.' So they send an honest officer Ayaan to pick up one, sleep with her to see if she's upto the job, and bring her to Sri Lanka so that the country can be âsaved'.
Enter porn star- overnight-turned-super spy Izna teetering in high high red heels and a shocking red lacy bra and panties, and black lace stockings. The âmission' has begun.
And soon our âmulk' will be saved from the machinations of the âwar industry'.u00a0However, there are heels within heels. Super-spy Izna (Sunny Leone) is ass, oops, assassin Kabir's (Randeep Hooda) ex-lover. As a cop, Kabir has caught her delivering a drug packet and has even believed in her innocence and released her.
In gratitude, Izna writes him a love letter in blood and sleeps with him. Kabir sings a song with Izna's topless back for a few minutes and walks out of her life forever. I suspect it could have been because of Izna's constant heaving bosom. You know, some men just don't like that sort of thing.
Kabeer takes to screeching out loud songs of longing in his hiding (true, his Man Friday is deaf. Now why would that be?). "Hi Kabeer," says a pretend-shocked with her still-heaving bosom Izna when she walks upto his house after hearing one such rendition. Thwack! Kabir shuts the door in her face.
"He'll come to me. He's a man after all," claims Izna unsteadily. Finally, after some failed attempts at finding the âdata', Izna manages to capture Kabir's trust and revive his love for her. But by then, Ayaan-turned-Karan wants Izna's attention and getting jealous. "You f&^ked him. You f&^ked him," alleges Ayaan. "Nahi. Nahi. Yes, yes," sobs and sobs Izna. Plus, the hysterical IB chief (Zakaria) refuses to give up on his âmission.'
By this time, we don't know who's coming and who's going. For starters, they are all freaking talking too much. Long-winded complicated sentences about life and love and loyalty which will bore the hell out of you. Shuddup and get on with the sex, shouted a person in the audience.
Sunny looks uncomfortable; Arif Zakaria surprises us with his hamming; Arunoday looks most comical when he sobs. Randeep's bearable but the brooding gets too much after a point.
Secondly, there is not even a modicum of logic in this plot. What is the âmission'? What's in the âdata'? Why can't this âdata' be accessed after killing Kabir? How is Kabir able to kill so many important people all by himself while chilling at a villa, singing out loud, playing cello and reading Che Guevara? How can Izna sleep in poky lace wired lingerie night after night? Who knows? Who cares?
We went to see the sex in this film and apart from a few scenes (1. Sunny unclipping her stockings while sitting on Arunoday; 2. Randeep caressing her back and her thigh; 3. Sunny unclipping bra strap and disposing said bra off with her back to the camera; 4. Sunny sitting on Randeep next to a pool and writhing with joy or maybe pain) there is no sex or even serious titillation in this film.
Money back please! u00a0u00a0
