'Brangelina' give reconciliation a chance, here's how you can do the same

Angelina Jolie with husband Brad Pitt

Nearly a year ago, claiming irreconcilable differences, Hollywood star Angelina Jolie split from husband Brad Pitt. After months of stories on financial assets, other partners, and custody of the pair's children, it is now claimed that Brangelina might just make a comeback. While one could endlessly speculate on the why and what, experts back home say seeking a divorce needn't spell the end of a marriage... it could lead to a U-turn as well.

Talk, don't split
The clues that a marriage could be breaking, are everywhere, according to victory coach Farzana Suri. If a couple isn't spending time together, not communicating, if there's jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity -then one or the other is going to want out, she says. But they aren't irreversible situations. Suri recalls the case of a woman who approached her because her husband wanted a divorce. "I realised the wife had an OCD which was affecting his spontaneity and choking their marriage," explains Suri. A year of counselling later, the wife tries to be less rigid, the husband more accepting. Ultimately, they didn't file for divorce.

Clinical psychologist and cognitive behaviour therapist Laura Vaz says couples are usually blinded by their need for a divorce. "When hurt and angry are the reasons, one is most likely to regret the decision later," she explains. The worst thing at such a time would be to tell the couple explicitly to not get divorced. That would only stoke the determination further. What Vaz does is sit them down over individual and joint sessions to find out the core problem, and also make them communicate. "I had a couple who'd been married for 17 years, with teenaged children, and were determined to split. But once they got talking, they addressed issues.

For instance, the wife was upset that the husband hadn't supported her at a particular situation, while he had been clueless about how she felt," explains Vaz. Eventually, the couple realized the love hadn't died, and stayed married. So then communication is key and maybe all divorces can be reconsidered and talked out?

Suddenly seeking separation
Nope, not all. Some couples split overnight, mostly when one partner demands a separation while the other is in the dark. As was the case with Joel Rodrigues (name changed) whose wife upped and left one fine day without any explanation, demanding that he agree to mutual divorce. "At the time, I couldn't think of anything that had gone wrong, and kept hoping she would come back," says the 40-year-old. His wife never agreed to counselling, barely spoke to him and it was only later, through therapy, that he could find closure. Rodrigues was going through a difficult patch with work and it seemed as if the burden was too much on his ex-wife. Five years later, a happy Rodrigues says letting go and making peace is the best thing to do.

Suri feels therapy is crucial for such one-sided cases. She speaks of a couple in which the husband found love elsewhere and wanted to leave his family, while the wife couldn't accept it. "To her, a divorce meant loss of status and honour. She refused to see me so I had to counsel the husband to deal with her more sensitively, and tell her it wasn't her fault, so she could find courage to move on," she explains. In such cases, Vaz too feels that the hurt party needs more attention, and also needs to be told to let go, because no one would be happy in a forced relationship.

When you know, you know
Then there's the third kind. The mature divorce seekers, as Vaz puts it. This couple is usually in their 40s, they have been married for a few years and have come to accept that they don't want to stay married. "In such cases, the couple is grown-up and usually they do end up splitting, for their own individual good," she explains.

It took 33 years of marriage to convince Preeta Rao (name changed) that getting out would be healthiest. "The courtship and first few years were wonderful before he began philandering," says the 59-year-old. For years, Rao turned a blind eye, wanting to trust her husband and believe all was well. He walked out on her several times, though not once admitting why he was doing so. "He would come up with inane things like I didn't admire him enough in public, I didn't respect him, the food was never hot," she adds. Rao made a last ditch attempt in 2005 when he demanded that she move cities so they would work on their marriage. It lasted all of three years. "This time in 2008 when he was ready to leave again, I told him if he left now, he couldn't come back." In 2012, Rao finally filed for a divorce. "I would never wish away my initial years of marriage, but today I am so much happier and at peace with myself," she says. Divorce then, in this case, is liberation from what could be a very damaging relationship.

Ultimately, as Suri says, no one can tell a couple what to do. One can lay out the path but it's the two who choose to walk on it together or go their separate ways. So when in doubt, take time in, take time out and put all cards on the table before you decide. Maybe that's what Brangelina did... if we can call them that again.