How to beat the online bully

Tarana Marwah, Aditi Singh Sharma and Sharvi Yadav

Social media platforms have become crucial for artistes to reach audiences, but they also open doors to criticism. Indian playback singer Chinmayi Sripaada, known for her work in Sairat and 2 States, was forced to sternly remind an Indian man who asked her to wear sarees in a tweet, that her Western attire doesn't mean she isn't Indian. While there is nothing new about the bullying that takes place wherever there is a marginalised community or gender involved, it is more rampant today in the cyber space, aided by the cloak of anonymity. And success only makes you an easy target.

On January 10, a Delhi-based musician launched a scathing attack on 23-year-old Mumbai-based singer-songwriter Sharvi Yadav when he put up multiple posts accusing her of stooping to physical favours to bag big projects. Yadav then took to social media to talk about it. "People get frustrated or have their own misunderstandings. You can hate my music; everyone has their own opinion. But posts where you are being insensitive and using terms like 's'''''g people's c'''s', is just wrong. Whatever had to be said could have been expressed differently," she says. Though she laughed it off at first, when no one backed her, she was left wondering how someone could get away with it.

(Above and below) Sharvi Yadav took to Instagram to call out the accuser and then thank her followers for their support

Steeped in sexism
This silence is evidence of the problem that stems from the normalisation of sexist practices, says clinical psychologist Dr Amrita Joshi. It starts with teasing, which women have been subjected to for years. There are enough Bollywood tracks to prove this observation.

These societal traits only get magnified when it comes to a known face. "People say things like, 'Arre, she has made it big; she must have slept with someone', or 'Don't enter the entertainment industry; women from there are perceived a certain way'," says Yadav, winner of season 2 of The Stage and known for her track Veere from Veere di Wedding. She adds that knowing where to draw a line between ignoring something because it's silly and ignoring it despite it being wrong is important. "We need to make sure our freedom is not hurting someone. Just because you have a voice doesn't mean you can get personal or abuse," she points out.

Social scientist Nidhi Chaitanya helps put things in perspective. "Female public figures bear the brunt of cyber bullying, because of the threat that people feel when women rise in their field," she says, adding that the belief that merit alone can't make a woman successful is still prevalent. "The risk of falling prey to such comments increases proportionally with your popularity. So, women in the entertainment field remain favourite targets, though today, any woman in the spotlight is at risk because it is the easiest way to pull somebody down and using social media is a convenient way to do it."

Referring to nasty comments she has seen on her friends' profiles, playback singer Aditi Singh Sharma says, "It's easy to sit at home and comment on people on social media, but there is serious work that a person has put in to build their career. We are slowly becoming judgmental, intrusive and obsessive people." And so, anytime someone sends her creepy or negative comments, Sharma immediately blocks them, rather than get into an argument.

"Social media is a brilliant platform and doesn't present any problem by itself. The problem lies with people sitting behind the safety of their screens and typing away. You can only keep blocking and ignoring. And women are bullied much more than men," believes Chaitanya.

Musician Komorebi aka Tarana Marwah, who has experienced people trying to shut her down via mansplaining, says, "It is patronising comments like if I am asked if I can tell left from right." She adds, "Though our work is about music, I often feel it has a lot to do with presenting yourself, which is problematic. How much attention should someone else be giving to the amount of skin you're showing or your make-up? And is that where the attention should be going or should it be going to your music?"

Dr Amrita Joshi and Nidhi Chaitanya

Fight back
The first step to take in cyber bullying cases is to recognise that it's not your fault. "Victim blaming happens as people are eager to judge. Women have internalised this and question their own selves. They need to acknowledge that these incidents are not okay, and then, speak up," says clinical psychologist Dr Amrita Joshi.

Reaching out to like-minded people who agree with your narrative and validate your idea, is also crucial. "You have to garner support as it's helpful in making this an empowering experience. You can talk to friends, if not a mental health professional," she adds.

Which is when being a public figure can be a boon. "There are so many women who don't have a voice. But I am in a position where I have a voice. I had to talk about the guy and shut him up if I wanted to make some change in social perceptions. You can overcome things by being a little grateful," Yadav says.

Sharma, who has close to two lakh followers on Instagram and Twitter, tries to stay positive in her posts, even while talking about subjects like depression and anxiety. "It is important to talk about such stuff but I've become careful about how to portray such things online," she says.

"The growing number of cases of character assassination has to do with the fact that people can now say anything they want to, which they wouldn't if the person ever came face to face. But the moment it starts getting criminal, it needs to be reported," Chaitanya points out.

Seek help
Cyber bullying can be traumatising and paralysing. "A healthy distraction gives you time to come back and assess the situation. Make art, listen to music or just hang out with people. This helps you get into an emotional space where you can deal with things better," advises Dr Joshi.

Seek professional help, like Yadav earlier had when she was suffering from panic attacks, which helped her tide over this incident. "I realised that I couldn't take my state of mind lightly. I worked with my psychologist for months. I still have my lows and anxiety, but I can manage it now," she says.

For Marwah, it's the thick skin she has developed over the years that helps her float. "Strength comes from habit. You become used to a certain violence, which is sad but that's also a survival technique. If we allow ourselves to be beaten down by what other people say or think, then there's no way you can survive in a patriarchal world," she concludes.

Sharma has learnt to channel her energy into making more music instead of entertaining trolls.

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