Father’s Day: Resolving conflicts to strengthen the father-child relationship

Arguments, disagreements, confusion and cold stares - conflicts with your dad can be dramatic. Such differences can sprout from the oddest situations, like letting you go on a trip or misinterpreting a sarcastic "nice job!"

What deepens the divide further is disregarding emotions and overlooking past mistakes that define our behaviour. Actor and spiritual mentor Aushim Khetarpal tells Midday how in some cases, "fathers tend to project their struggles onto their children, without pausing to reflect on their shortcomings."

Opposing views on finances, lifestyle choices or family responsibilities escalate tensions, making resolution harder. If not addressed promptly, these issues can strain the relationship for life. On the occasion of Father's Day, Midday.com racked the brains of a relationship and mental health expert, and a clinical psychologist who shares a fresh perspective on how to resolve conflict with one's father and strengthen the divine bond.

Tackling tough conversations

Initiating tough conversations with your dad can be nerve-wracking. Mehezabin Dordi, the clinical psychologist at Sir HN Reliance Foundation Hospital, shares how children can approach their fathers about finance, lifestyle choices and relationships.

Finance
Starting a conversation about financial independence can be daunting. Choosing a calm, quiet moment to talk can set a positive tone. It's important to approach the discussion with respect and an open mind, acknowledging the wisdom and experience your father brings to the table.

Clearly articulate your own financial goals and philosophies. Use "I" statements, such as "I feel ready to manage my finances," to avoid sounding confrontational. Be prepared to explain why financial independence is important to you, perhaps highlighting your readiness and plans for the future. Also, finding common ground can help ease tension.

Emphasise areas where your financial goals align with his values. This demonstrates that you're not rejecting his advice but rather seeking a path that incorporates both perspectives. Lastly, showing him a well-thought-out plan can reassure him of your seriousness and readiness. This might include a budget, savings plan or steps you've already taken towards financial independence.

Lifestyle choices
Discussing lifestyle choices can be sensitive, especially when they differ from your father's values. A good way to start is by empathising with his perspective. Acknowledge his concerns, even if you don't agree with them. This can pave the way for a more respectful and open conversation.

Be honest about your lifestyle choices and why they matter to you. Explain how these choices contribute to your happiness and personal growth. Framing the conversation around shared values, like independence or well-being, can help him understand your viewpoint.
Reassure him by addressing his concerns directly.

If he worries about your safety or stability, outline the steps you've taken to mitigate these risks. Offer compromises where possible, showing your willingness to find a middle ground. Stay calm and patient throughout the discussion. These conversations often require time and multiple discussions to reach a mutual understanding.

Relationships
Talking about romantic relationships with a disapproving father can be very challenging. Preparation is key. Think through what you want to say and anticipate his reactions. This helps you stay calm and focused during the conversation. Be honest and respectful. Share your feelings and choices openly, emphasizing why this relationship is important to you.

Acknowledge his concerns without dismissing them. Listening to his perspective shows respect and can make him more open to hearing yours. Explain your perspective clearly. Discuss how your relationship aligns with your values and contributes to your happiness. This personal insight can help him understand your choices better.

If the conversation becomes too challenging, consider seeking support from a neutral third party, like a family therapist. They can help facilitate a constructive discussion. Remember, patience is essential. Changing deeply held beliefs takes time. Be prepared for ongoing conversations and remain patient.

Dealing with emotional barriers
Understanding the influence of past experiences on current behaviour can be quite challenging, opines Mehezabin Dordi, a clinical psychologist, Sir HN Reliance Foundation Hospital. Fathers might start by reflecting on their own childhood and relationships with their parents. This type of self-awareness often reveals patterns that they might be unconsciously repeating with their children.

A practical step is to keep a journal, jotting down thoughts and feelings about parenting experiences. Another powerful approach is talking to a therapist. A professional can help fathers delve into these emotions and guide them toward healthier interactions with their children.

Engaging in mindfulness practices can also be beneficial. Simple exercises like deep breathing or meditation can increase emotional awareness and reduce stress. Fathers might also consider parenting workshops where they can learn new skills and perspectives in a supportive environment.

Fostering open communication with their children can be transformative. By creating a space where their children feel heard and understood, fathers can often begin to mend and strengthen their relationships, shares Dordi. Lastly, Khetarpal adds that "to effectively guide their children, fathers must seek inner insights aligned with their beliefs."

Navigating conflict
Resolving common issues in this relationship requires a comprehensive approach that focuses on effective communication, quality time, mutual respect and adaptability, informs the mental health expert - Aashmeen Munjaal,

"The cornerstone of a healthy relationship is communication. Fathers should actively listen to their children, showing genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings. This means not just hearing the words but understanding the emotions behind them," explains Munjaal.

Creating an environment where children feel safe to express themselves without fear of judgment or retribution is crucial. Regular, meaningful conversations can build trust and openness. These discussions should be a two-way street, where fathers share their own experiences and feelings, modelling healthy communication patterns.

Celebrating the bond
Beyond conversations, spending quality time together is vital. Engaging in activities that both enjoy, whether it's playing sports, reading, cooking or simply taking a walk, can create shared experiences that strengthen the bond. Daily interactions, even small ones, matter significantly. Also, consistently showing up and being present in the child's life demonstrates commitment and reliability, outlines Munjaal.

Respecting the child's individuality is another critical aspect. Every child is unique, with their own interests, strengths and weaknesses. Fathers should celebrate these differences and avoid comparing their children to others, including siblings or peers. Such comparisons can lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment. Instead, nurturing the child's unique qualities can boost their self-esteem and foster a sense of individuality.

Affection and appreciation are also key components of a positive father-child relationship. Regularly expressing love, pride and appreciation helps children feel valued and secure. Verbal affirmations should be complemented by physical expressions of affection, such as hugs, high-fives or pats on the back.
These gestures, though small, can profoundly impact a child's emotional well-being. Fathers should also strive to be positive role models. Children often emulate their parents' behaviour, so demonstrating kindness, resilience and integrity is crucial. Handling mistakes and setbacks with grace provides valuable lessons in problem-solving and resilience.