Happy Father’s Day! A shoutout to the Indian fathers who supported their children from the LGBTQIA+ community coming out

When Bengaluru-based Prem Chandavarkar's daughter Madhvi came out to him three years ago, he says "gender transition was a relatively alien concept to me". He explains, "Whole-heartedly accepting her choice was a no-brainer because her happiness on finally accepting her inherent identity was so evident. She was so much more focused and enthusiastic toward life. Seeing that, I did not even think of any other option than to continue to accept, love, and support her." The 68-year-old architect says what made the process easier was the openness of communication that prevailed after that.

Being from the LGBTQIA+ community and coming out to your friends, family and loved ones is never easy. It can often be quite a task especially because of how people in society have been conditioned to think of a gender as binary and not a spectrum, that many people spend all their lives discovering. Interestingly, quite a few of the people this writer interacted with for the story, had not yet come out to their parents about their orientation, and are still in the closet. However, there are others who have been able to, and 35-year-old content writer Madhvi is one of them, who came out to her father after her brother, and few months later to her mother. In the middle of Pride Month and as the world celebrates Father's Day, mid-day.com not only spoke to fathers like Prem but also members of the community and even a parent's support group in Mumbai.

Coming out to fathers
Being one such father, even if Prem didn't understand, he was open to the idea and that is what made things easier for his daughter. He explains, "She gave us some material to help us understand what she was going through. I found one piece particularly useful. It was about a parent in the US who said you have to delink accepting and understanding - you will always accept your child because she is your child and you love her, and that acceptance and love should not be shaken because you may not understand every aspect of her choices. Acceptance is instantaneous, understanding may take time, but once acceptance and love is solid, understanding eventually follows."

Fortunately for the Chandavarkars, even society wasn't as hard on them as is always made out to be. Prem shares, "We were pleasantly surprised with the degree of support we got from close family and friends, including from some who we thought would be more conservative in their outlook. They all said her happiness is paramount and they will support whatever makes her happy." It is also why the Bengaluru-based architect believes that going by the family's experience, the fear of social judgment is more an irrational fear of the unknown than a condition that is likely to materialise. "There may be some people who are judgmental, but they are not close, do not matter, and nobody has dared say anything negative to us," he adds.

Now, as a proud father of a member from the community, he says his role is to be open about his belief and attitude. This is not threatening in any way, says Prem, and all that he holds dear in terms of relationships and values remains intact without being shaken in the slightest.

He further adds, "The LGBTQIA+ community is not seeking to reshape society. They only seek the freedom to live full lives as their authentic selves. This is the same freedom that everyone should have, and we should not be troubled by choices of others that differ from our own. If someone is troubled by the choices of the LGBTQIA community, they have a far more serious problem of internal insecurities than someone else's choice on gender, expression, sexual orientation, and identity."

Making space for fathers
It was no different for Yash, founder of Official Humans of Queer, the widely popular LGBTQIA+ community on social media with over 32,500 followers. Started only four years ago, it has flourished into a platform for folks from the community to share their stories. He shares, "I started OHOQ in 2020 during Covid times with an effort to make lived experiences of queer folks visible on the social media."

Over time, the Delhi-based analyst says he has heard more than 1,000 stories and through that he has made interesting observations. "I have noticed a common perception that mothers are generally seen as more accepting and loving towards their queer children. However, through my interviews with many individuals, I have observed that fathers can also be very understanding and protective. They often stand as pillars of support for their queer children."

Since the time he started the online community, the platform has even encountered stories of fathers from smaller cities accepting their children from the community. "While it often takes them more time to understand, they too have had to contend with the effects of patriarchy on their decisions. The difference is that mothers tend to show their support more openly, whereas fathers often remain silent supporters for a long time. Queer folks do have loving fathers."

In fact, Yash didn't come out but was outed to his father Deepak and the family, who went through a rollercoaster of emotions. Deepak shares, "I was shocked and not quite happy. I felt weak and thought that he will leave us to build his own future without us. I felt that my sense of security is gone, and I will be judged by the others because of him. I will have to answer people. I was suddenly at the place where all the eyes will be on me."

The 52-year-old Delhiite reliving the day they got to know, says, "He didn't tell us, he was actually outed by one of our relatives. That morning was scary for all of us. I cried. I asked him various questions like "will it go?", "why have you done this to us", but the fact is within an hour, I had this thought - after all, he is my child. I am his safe space. I can't let him ruin his life just because of this. He has always been a bright student. Excellent in everything, that is why it came as a disappointment for me. But as a father of my child, I was ready to fight with all the things that can affect my child's future."

Armed with support for his child, Deepak says he had to deal with society but not much that he couldn't handle. "I never cared about the people around me," he shares, continuing, "Initially, I used to feel that his life will be all dark after he has "become" gay, but he has proved us all wrong." The way Yash has outshone after coming out, has made Sharmas proud. "None of us in my family, ever thought that we would see Yash on television, getting awards by celebrities or getting into international lists of Forbes."

Being honest, Yash's father says he is selfish for one belief but can deal with it. "As much as he needs us, we need him too and he made us proud every day. My distant family, relatives and everyone knows about it but no one dares to speak anything to Yash because they know we are there for him and that is something is required by parents for their child," he adds.

Such is the power of support that after Yash was outed, and the family had a conversation, it has helped Deepak and his son connect on a more personal level. He shares, "My child and I had a very distant relationship before coming out. We never used to talk much. After this, we have become close. I am not the one who is speaking on the mics and media about the great work I have done as a father to accept him. It's just that I am trying to create a safe space for him at home."
Today, Deepak says whenever Yash visits home with his partner, the family feels good about it. "We feel included. We would have lost this feeling, if we would have taken our ego over our love for him. For me, my father has been my role model and for me, I just want my children to see me as a person who has let them live their lives happily. It is ultimately their lives. We as parents should get off the pedestal that we are sitting on for a very long time," he adds.

Deepak and his wife have been the perfect parents and role models for Yash, who says that even though his father was shocked initially he came around. He shares, "He fought and thought about me over anyone. The scene was quite dramatic, but he took the ownership of giving me a healthy and safe space and gave me the confidence to be me. I feel their acceptance is one of the reasons that I thrive every day."

Building a community
It's this very awareness and acceptance that Aruna Desai, one of the co-founders of Mumbai-based Sweekar, has been building with the support group since February 17, 2017. They meet once every three months, while being active on the WhatsApp group. She explains, "We started the group in 2017 with 10 parents, which had two fathers and eight mothers. After that, gradually over a period, we had many fathers joining and now there are definitely more of them than before."

However, she points out that even though the ratio may seem less at 80 mothers to 20 fathers, there are many more fathers than there are in the WhatsApp group. "If the mother is already there on the group, then the fathers don't usually join the group. If there is no mother who has joined the group, then there is the father of the child who is on the group. Interestingly, 61-year-old Vasai-based Desai says more often than not there are fathers who are not on the group also end up coming for the events. Today, they can now boast of more than 450 parents in the support group. Desai believes it is great number especially for a parent's support group. Over the years, they have seen not only mothers or fathers join but also both of them join the group.

In the process, they have created a lot of awareness and that in turn makes the child's life better. She adds, "Children are happy because both their parents are in the group. They are not only helping their own children but also helping others." Desai and her co-founders have come a long way since they started out to help other parents. "We started this group to help new parents. When their children come out, they need help to understand what their children are going through. Mostly, parents go into denial and don't understand. When children come out, parents go into their shell because most families have parents who aren't comfortable talking about sexual orientation and gender identity and they want to understand learn."

It is at such times that the group comes into the picture to make them comfortable and aware. "Our three important actions are Acceptance, Education and Empowerment," she adds. The Humsafar Trust in Mumbai, says Desai, has created the Prabal programme for parents of the group to learn more about the community, their own self-care and even laws related to them, as a part of their module. The progress they have made is definitely something that the parents of Sweekar thought about seven years ago. "On the first day, we discussed that we will not limit ourselves to Mumbai but reach other cities and states throughout India."

Over time, they started their chapters in Mumbai, Pune, Nagpur, Delhi, Hyderabad, West Bengal and even Bengaluru. Today, they not only have people in India but also have Indian parents living in the US, Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Oman and many other countries. "We are also looking to start more chapters in states like Gujarat and Uttar Pradesh too. We want to start more chapters so that people can meet in person because it makes a difference," concludes Desai in the middle of Pride Month and ahead of Father's Day this weekend.