Good vibes only? When positivity becomes toxic and how to deal with it

The photo is for representational purpose only

"Look at the brighter side", "You have to be strong", "Focus on the positives" - these are just a few of the ‘uplifting' messages you get to hear or see often today. It is understandable that people need to take care of themselves and not be bogged down by negativity, but too much of anything is bad. That is the case with positivity as well.

Mumbai-based psychiatrist Dr Chinmay Kulkarni shares the example of one of his patients who had lost her mother when she was 18 years old . At the time, the patient's father did not allow her to cry because according to him she was a "strong" person just like him. Her father did not allow other relatives to visit them either, as he said all these customs were signs of being "regressive and old fashioned". So Kulkarni's patient suppressed her emotions then. But later they started overpowering her. "For eight years, she would cry alone every day. So an emotion that would have lasted from a few weeks to a few months lasted for years because of ‘toxic positivity'," says Kulkarni.

While it is important to cheer someone up when they are upset and sad, asking them to suppress their emotions, even if they are negative, and looking only at the positive aspects in a situation, may be more harmful than helpful. At the Spoken Fest in Mumbai last year, comedian Rohan Joshi had called out the shaming that is sometimes aimed at people who aren't cheerful or bubbly on Instagram. "I don't know if people told you this or not, but the opposite of happy is not ‘wrong'," he observed.

What is ‘toxic positivity'?

Between the anxiety of lockdown and the brutal waves of Covid-19, the last one year has been extremely stressful. Emphasis on the need to stay positive and spread happy vibes has been a fixture during these uncertain times. On social media, there are people talking about the importance of ‘spreading positivity'. The insistence on smiling and constantly feeling happy even when one is dealing with grim realities is leading to a culture of ‘toxic positivity' and is taking a toll on the mental and physical health of many.

"‘Toxic positivity' or ‘dismissive optimism' is a phenomenon where you feel that having a positive outlook of life means one should always be positive," explains Kulkarni. A toxic positive person expects that people should always be happy, cheerful, enjoying life even if they face major obstacles or traumas in life.
Clinical psychologist Salma Prabhu concurs. "Positivity is very good but not to the extent of repression and denial. When one does not acknowledge the real experience and emotions and tries to find positivity even in the most negative situation."

Dr Chinmay Kulkarni (left) and Salma Prabhu (Photo of Salma Prabhu by Shashi Patil)

Positivity vs Toxic positivity

It is important to understand the thin line between being positive and when it starts being toxic. Simply put, Kulkarni explains, "Positivity is about generally being optimistic and looking at the bright side. ‘Toxic positivity' means ‘always' trying to be so." According to Kulkarni, positivity is not being "insensitive" towards non-positive emotions, it is merely being "flexible" and "rational" towards them. Positivity allows feelings such as sadness, anger and other emotions which are deemed to be negative to be expressed occasionally.

On the other hand, ‘toxic positivity' views that negative emotions don't have any value and are abnormal. As per Kulkarni, it is another form of ‘victimising the victim'. "It makes the person, who is feeling depressed, anxious or having suicidal thoughts, think that feeling this way is their fault. It is like blaming a patient diagnosed with malaria for getting a fever," he says. "This type of thinking denies people their natural and reasonable emotions. Being at the receiving end of such positivity, makes a person feel guilty for going through valid, natural emotional pain which everyone else goes through."

Prabhu says, "Accepting the emotions, letting them flow is essential for closure. One cannot continue to be positive on the surface when there is turbulence inside." Not acknowledging real feelings leads to repression which in turn affects both mental and physical health. "People who deny their feelings often have chronic physical ailments and also may go into depression. The natural process of being sad, if suppressed, can lead to depression in the later stage of life," explains Prabhu.

Signs of ‘toxic positivity' and ways to deal with it

One of the main indicators of ‘toxic positivity', according to Kulkarni, is dismissing someone's valid emotional pain. "When someone loses a job, a toxic positive person will minimise their disappointment. They will try to immediately ‘get over' their feelings. They try to brush off their problems. They also try to create a facade of happiness by rejecting themselves facing negative emotions," he elucidates.

Prabhu lists the constant urge to convince themselves and others to look at the brighter side, even if there has been a catastrophe, and to believe that all happens for good, as some of the other indicators of it.

Avoiding or brushing off negative thoughts completely may lead these emotions to grow further and take over your mind. Both experts agree that one must validate their own true feelings as well as those of others around them. "Understand that the opposite of ‘toxic positivity' is not acceptance of ‘toxic negativity'. It is not going to the opposite side of the spectrum and always feeling sad, low, anxious. It just means that occasionally going through such emotions is okay," says Kulkarni. He also says that if someone is toxic positive, the first step for them is to limit themselves and understand that they are trying to force it on others as well. The second step is the complete acceptance of one's real emotions.

Prabhu says, "There has to be a balance of experiencing joy and sadness, otherwise one may become stoic. When you shun yourself from negative feelings, you also become numb to positive experiences and everything you say might be just superficial."

Another point that both experts caution against is getting positivity through social media. Social media platforms have lent a helping hand during the time of crisis. But one needs to acknowledge that it is a virtual space which is far away from the real world. For example, certain algorithms could be making positive messages pop up every time someone scrolls through social media. "Don't try to be a superhuman. Feeling anxious or sad has served a purpose in our evolutionary history. It helped us to conserve energy and stay away from dangers," says Kulkarni. "However, don't let these emotions last for more than a few weeks. Approach a mental health professional if these negative feelings last longer."

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