Author V Raghunathan's new book is a hilarious take on everyday survival

Half of life is showing up, and the other half is waiting in line," author V Raghunathan tells us in the introduction to his new book. "Those of us who lost our milk teeth in the ‘60s and '70s may recall two-year-long queues for HMT watches and decade-long ones for a classic black rotary-dial phone or a Fiat car. And, for basic justice from courts, we have waited even longer," he says further.

What's, however, bothering this 62-year-old author is not the fact that a decent chunk of our time is wasted standing in these lines, but, another, which he says is at the heart of most queues: Are we patient enough to wait so long? "Not in India, at least," Raghunathan insists.

Illustration/Ravi Jadhav

No guesses why he decided to pen The Good Indian's Guide to Queue-Jumping (Harper-Collins India) - a hilarious take on everyday survival, albeit in queues. "I certainly thought this aspect of our behaviour [jumping queues] needed some focus and amplification," says Bengaluru-based Raghunathan, who is a former IIM-A professor and the bestselling author of Games Indians Play. "We take such pride in our ancient culture and yet, we often come out looking far less civilised when in queues. And, this has nothing to do with education. Indians are generally badly behaved. So, I thought why not give a lighter take on the issue, instead of making heavy weather of it," he adds.

In Raghunathan's case, his annoyance with queues stems from the many bad experiences he's had in India. "I recall once standing in a queue at a multiplex. I already had my e-tickets, and only had to pick up the printed tickets from the counter. A young man cut into the queue straight at the window. When I raised my eyebrows, he pleaded that he had already bought the ticket, and had to return some change. But, as it turned out, he had lied. He bought his tickets and then grinned at me for good measure to let me know how smart he had been. Now, is that amusing or irritating? A bit of both?" he says.

As a rule, the writer avoids jumping queues, but he's guilty of having made exceptions. "Again, it's not something I do as a matter of routine," he assures. But, if you are going to be a queue jumper, you'd better do it in style, he says.

In an excerpt from the book, Raghunathan, who has a strange love-hate for queues, tells us how you can become a professional queue jumper, one "line" at a time.

Don't jump queues in front of musclemen:
It is essentially the person you displace in the queue who matters most in determining the success or failure of your queue-jumping effort. It is healthy practice to avoid jumping directly in front of someone with a six-pack. If you must, do it in front of a gentle old lady or someone equally innocuous. This way we improve our odds to nearly three-fourths!

Keep an eye on the ones behind:
Before executing your queue-jump, it will pay off to pay attention to the fellow directly behind the person in front of whom you cut in. This is because if neither of the first two blokes objects to your jumping, the probability that you will get away with your ploy rises to 95 per cent!

Give reasons why you want to jump a queue:
If you are going to jump a queue, you might as well use a strategy, which is more effective in convincing others to agree to your request. You can make it by providing a strong reason to jump the queue - never mind if it looks lame or even downright silly.

Offer money as inducement:
While we are looking at ways to jump queues, we might as well leave nothing to chance. If so, it is bound to cross your mind whether you could improve your odds with a financial inducement to someone in the line to permit you to take his place. Incidentally, paying to jump a queue is not all that far-fetched.

Sometimes, you may have to retreat:
Every now and then you may encounter a Smart Alec who will give you a taste of your own medicine. Suppose you are in the photocopier queue and say something like, ‘Excuse me, may I go first because I have only a few copies to make?' The fellow you are saying this to may firmly retort that he isn't in the line to launder his clothes. In such a case, the best strategy is to tuck one's tail between one's legs and beat a hasty retreat.