Playing hide and seek

A transgender from Bangalore shares with Priyanjali Ghose how the society compels him to lead a dual existence

A transgender from Bangalore shares with Priyanjali Ghose how the society compels him to lead a dual existence

For the last 15 years, every dawn at a temple in Bangalore begins with Shyam (name changed), the priest performing the puja before devotees. A sacred man, he is widely respected by the regular visitors to the holy place.

But Shyam has a secret life.

Chronicles of a homosexual

He is a kothi, a eunuch who has not undergone castration. A woman trapped in a man's body, he prefers herself to be called Shakila in the 'hijra' community. For more than a decade he has been leading a dual existence.
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Married to a woman for the last 13 years and father of two children, the priest symbolizes the fate of a sexual minority in the Indian society and blames the heterosexual society for his predicament.

"I never wanted to lead this dual lifeu2026but you (heterosexual society) did not let me be," says Shyam.

"The discrimination starts from the family. We are always reminded we are different even in schools. We get sexually abused by our uncles, brothers, teachers at a very early age. I was forcibly kissed by my uncle. I began realizing that I was not comfortable with my being. I used to feel a strong urge in me to be a girl. With each passing day, the desire to be a woman became more intense. I started wearing my sister's clothes and undergarments in everybody's absence. One day my mother caught me. The entire family thought it was a curse on them," he reveals.

"Then I fell in love with my first cousin and the liaison blossomed into 14 years of a live-in relationship. I felt nice and fulfilled after feeling the love of a man. Soon family pressure began mounting and I got married to a woman," says Shyam, admitting that till date sexual intercourse with his wife remains a compulsion.

After 13 years of marriage, his wife is still unaware that he is a eunuch. Although it is difficult, he manages to switch genders at his will and play hide and seek with his wife.

Shyam never let his sexuality come in the way of his family life. "At office he is like a girl but his body language is like a man at home," says one of his friends. He laughs as he remembers how Shyam had pursued him for "love and sex" for almost two years. He vividly recollects the day when the ice between the two was broken as if it were yesterday. Their relationship began on a monsoon day two years ago, when Shyam and Prasad had gone together on a tour. Shyam saw Prasad sitting alone on a chair in the verandah, listening to the pitter-patter of the raindrops. He approached him, held his hand and sat on his lap. They confided about their lives.

Shyam told him about his married life. Prasad was touched. They made love that night.

However, Shyam has segregated his life and tries his best to balance it.

A diploma holder in Information Technology, Sarvanna worked in many companies before he joined a city based non-governmental organization that protects the rights and protestis against any injustice on the Hijra community.

"In this way I am at least close to people like me," says Shyam

Prasad says that Shyam is a jovial and harmless human being and his best quality is his sense of humour.
"Here I am the real person. Am the woman, am the lover," says Shyam.

Every woman other than his wife is a sister figure to Shyam. However, he has affairs with men.

"I have many boyfriends," says Shyam. "What's wrong in that? At least I don't sleep with other women as many men do. In today's world, which man is Sri Ram with only one woman on his mind?"

"Sometimes I feel bad about these two lifestyles. I wonder why God made me like this. Why do I live, for whom?
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This society never accepts us as we are. It forces us into a path of lies. I feel like a woman I can't help it," says Shyam.

He stresses that it is not the sexual part of it, which attracts him. In fact, it is the emotional bonding, which attracts him to a man. "Like any woman I need a man to make me feel alive," he says. "Everybody needs love from the right person at the end of the day."

He adds, "Society can go to hell. Where is the society when eunuchs are treated worse than animals," says Shyam.u00a0 "Who is the society to decide your life? Live life according to your own terms...f''' the society."