Do you know if your child is being bullied? Experts share tips to identify

Every year, the United Nations celebrates World Mental Health Month in October. Globally, World Mental Health Day is celebrated on October 10. When we talk about mental health, one can't ignore the focus the last two years of the Covid-19 pandemic has put on one's mental health and its resilience in difficult times. This year, the theme is ‘Make mental health & well-being for all a global priority'. While we talk about mental health of adults, it is important to remember that it even impacts children. One of the many reasons for the latter is bullying that can stay with them even in their adult life.

Dr Jalpa Bhuta, consultant psychiatrist at Global Hospital, explains, "A bully intends to cause pain, either through physical harm or words or behaviour repeatedly."

The effects of such behaviour heavily are due to particular reasons identified by the bully that leads to a drastic effect on the child who gets bullied.

"There are definitely some risk factors that can be considered to perceived obesity, or thinness or any physical attributes that makes a child stand out from the crowd, physical or behavioural characteristics stereotypically associated with LGBTQ community, disability, underprivileged background or lack of resources in comparison to peers," explains Shiny Shrivastava, consultant psychologist, Bhatia Hospital. She adds that it can also be done to children who are not good at emotional and social interactions due to neurological concerns or mental illness.

Mid-day Online spoke to Bhuta and Shrivastava to understand the causes and adverse effects of bullying. They also dwell on what parents can do to identify if their children are being bullied. The experts say that the responsibility of addressing the issue doesn't fall on the parents alone but also the school and teachers who are with them during the day.

What are the causes of bullying?

Shrivastava: Bullying involves either physical or verbal aggression that may be repeated over a period of time but is not limited to simply someone being mean to you. There is a characteristic imbalance of power involved in the interaction. It also isn't limited to a child's experience at school. It is the result of an aggressor's need to gain and maintain control over some person or situation. There is no way in which a victim can invite such an interaction due to any individual characteristics.

Bhuta: Bullying can particularly be done to vulnerable children, who are shy or sensitive or very gentle. It may also happen to kids with gender identity issues, or children with any form of disabilities.

Characteristic of a bully:

1. A need for power and control.
2. Fear of vulnerability and exposure, being seen as imperfect or flawed in any way.
3. To gain superiority or social status in peer groups.
4. He/She might have been bullied before.
5. Usually bullies may have less empathy, more aggression and a weaker moral compass.

What are the effects of bullying and how can it affect a child?

Shrivastava: Children who are targeted by the bullies not only suffer emotionally, but socially as well. They may not just find it difficult to make new friends, they may even struggle to maintain any meaningful friendships in the long run. The hurtful things said and the actions that they are subjected to eventually leads to a child believing that these words might be true and that in some way they are responsible for inviting such a difficulty upon themselves.

Some of the emotions experienced by a child in such a scenario could be anger, bitterness, helplessness, loneliness. Eventually a child may struggle to attend classes, hangout with peers and resort to some form of substance abuse to help numb their pain, especially in the absence of an effective support system in the form of empathising parents or teachers. It can also contribute to the development of depression and contemplation of suicide.

Bhuta: Effects of bullying can be dire. It can lead to academic underachievement. The child feels very unsafe and develops ‘school phobia". It may lead to low self-esteem, depression, social anxiety, and panic attacks.

Does bullying affect boys and girls differently?

Shrivastava: Gender plays an important role in bullying. The various stereotypes at play influence the socialisation of young children and makes them follow certain roles assigned to their gender. For example, boys may be socialised to be strong and independent and girls may be socialised to be understanding and sensitive. As a result, a child who doesn't act according to the expected roles tend to stand out and are viewed negatively and thus are often targeted for bullying. Generally, boys could be choosing more physically aggressive methods of bullying when compared to girls. In comparison to boys, girls could be using more indirect methods like verbal assaults, spreading rumours, gossiping. Such passive-aggressive ways also make it more difficult to spot.

Bhuta: Boys are more likely to experience physical bullying, whereas girls are more likely to experience psychological bullying.

How can parents understand if their child is being bullied?

Shrivastava: A lot of times, kids choose to stay silent due to their experience of shame and helplessness coming in the way which may lead to escalation of the bullying. Hence, as a parent, you cannot simply count on your kid opening up to you about their experiences. You will need to make an effort at your end. Some of the signs to note could be gradual shortening of the friend circle, frequent changes in mood, especially towards anxiety, clinginess, withdrawal from social interaction, increase in irritability. It also includes frequent complaints of headaches, stomach aches or unexplained physical injuries, children experiencing trouble in falling asleep at their regular hours, drop in grades, loss of interest in activities that were interesting earlier.

Bhuta: Bullying is a pattern of behaviour and not just an isolated incident. It can happen in-person or online. Cyberbullying often occurs over social media, SMS/text, email or any online platform. As parents may not always follow the online trail, they may be unaware that it is happening.

What are the signs to look to know if a child is being bullied? Does the responsibility fall only on the parents or the teachers in their school too?

Shrivastava: It is the responsibility of the parents as well as the teachers to provide children the kind of safe, understanding and accessible environment at home and at school so that they feel open enough to share their day-to-day experiences with their parents and other caretakers.

The signs to take note include: the child showing reluctance in going to the school and presenting recurring excuses; complaints of frequent headaches and stomach aches or trouble falling asleep, not to say that they are faking it, such aches are common physical manifestations of the stress and anxiety which could be a sign of bullying; loss of friends the child was previously good friends with or reluctance to hang out with his usual set of friends; child showing intense emotional reaction to conversations around social or especially school activities; torn clothing and physical marks on the body; one can take special care if they know that the child is a new kid in the school or in the society complex.

Bhuta:

1. Physical signs may be bruises, scratches, broken bones and wounds.
2. If your child avoids school often
3. If he is anxious, nervous or very vigilant.
4. If he starts avoiding social situations, gets mood swings, frequent nightmares, becomes cranky.
5. If there are unexplained headaches, tummy pains, vomiting.

How can a child deal with bullying or the bully at the most basic level personally?

Shrivastava: Parents or teachers can help a child learn how to identify bullying behaviour and deal with it if it happens. The actions that a child can learn to take in order to deal with a bully include: avoiding the bully especially at places where they are more likely to meet them and try to have a buddy around so that they do not have to face the bully all alone.

It is natural to get upset, but in this case, it would be giving a bully exactly what they need, and so holding the anger and practicing cooling down techniques and keeping themselves calm at least till they are out of danger, acting brave, walking away from the scene, ignoring the bully. Getting in touch with an adult to help stop the bully. Talking to someone a child trusts for helpful suggestions even if the trustful other isn't able to fix the situation for the child. And hence a sibling, a friend, guidance counsellor, anybody can be reached out to open up about their experience.

How can parents create awareness and tell their child about bullying and ways to deal with it?

Shrivastava: When a child opens up to their parents about their experience around being bullied, parents need to listen to them calmly and offer them comfort and support instead of showing any big reactions like getting angry or threatening the bully, their caretakers or the school. Kids find it difficult to open up to adults because of their feelings of embarrassment and shame. They may also worry that if their parents get to know about this, they may feel disappointed, upset, angry or show an extreme reaction which may scare the child.

Choose to praise your child for finding the courage to open up about their difficult experience. Let your child know that you have their back and that they are not alone in this. Explain how getting bullied is a common experience and it's the bully who is behaving badly and not your child. Reassure your child that you will work with people and authorities to find a way out. In most cases, teachers and counsellors are the best point of contact for reaching out. Most schools have anti-bullying policies and programs so there are various methods available to resolve the issue.

Bhuta:

1. Educate your child about bullying. This will help them to identify it more easily.
2. Focus on your child being heard and supported.
3. Make sure that they know it's not their fault.
4. Tell the child you believe in them.
5. Talk to the teacher at school. The child does not have to face bullying alone.
6. Talk openly and frequently to your children. They will be more comfortable about telling you about it.
7. Enquire about their feelings, not just about classes and activities.
8. Help build your child's confidence, by a lot of encouragement and praise.
9. Be a role model. Show them how to treat others with respect and kindness, including speaking up if mistreated by others.
10. Know about their online exposures, and warn them about the risks involved.

Does school management have to take the responsibility to prevent bullying?

Shrivastava: School administration which includes principals, teachers, assistants and other staff, play a key role in helping create an environment that provides the safety and awareness necessary to tackle issues like bullying and harassment. They are also required to understand and follow various state and central policies and procedures regarding bullying and make school a safe place for children to grow, learn and nurture their minds. They are required to have a system in place that is consistent and appropriate without being overly harsh or unfair.

Also read: Do you feel burned out? Why it is urgent for Indian employers to act on employees' poor mental health