More than just love

Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez underwent relationship counselling during the lockdown. Pic Courtesy/Getty Images

What do you need to whip up a perfect romantic relationship? Love, trust, compatibility, loyalty? Yet, sometimes, you can have all of the above, and still feel it going sour for reasons beyond the book. Take for instance, American pop star and actor Jennifer Lopez and her fiancé Alex Rodriguez. The two were set for a dreamy wedding last year, but the virus derailed their plans, and they, like several other couples across the globe, found their relationship facing the heat of the lockdown. In an interview last month, the singer revealed that the couple underwent therapy together, which really helped their relationship.

Kavyal Sedani, a hypnotherapist and founder, Rise Above, a city-based mental healthcare centre, shares that relationship therapy is a professional intervention that a couple seeks when their communication breaks down. "Due to our past baggage and filters of opinions that we put on thanks to our families and friends, we usually see a distorted version of ourselves and our partners. A relationship counsellor takes these tinted glasses off and makes each person see clearly," explains Sedani. She adds that relationship counselling, thus, helps an individual understand themselves better, and see their partner in a different light.

Vandana Shah, a divorce lawyer and author, asserts that she often directs her clients for counselling, especially if she feels the marriage can be saved. Shah jokes that divorce lawyers often double up as counsellors, since clients look to them for emotional support, too. "I feel that in a lot of cases, while marriage counselling may not save the relationship, it helps to seek clarity and make a divorce less acrimonious, or even defer it," she reasons.

Kavyal Sedani

Stigma alert
While 2020 highlighted the need for better mental healthcare, relationship therapy or counselling, which affects the emotional and sexual well-being of couples, is still less talked about in India. Sedani, who has been counselling couples for a decade, notes that there is a definite stigma around it. "The typical mindset is, ‘I can't open up to a stranger. How can a stranger help me if I can't help myself? The counsellor will judge us.' Or, ‘I've tried speaking to 20 people and no one has been able to help, so I won't try'," she notes. Shah says that another reason holding couples back is that people associate mental health issues with "going crazy". She also points out that in desi households, elders essay the role of relationship counsellors, often misleading couples, "Relatives may mean well, but they can push you to compromise. It's a complete no-no."

Vandana Shah

Pandemic effect
Sedani and Shah share that they have both noticed an increase in counselling and divorce cases since the lockdown. The counsellor, who's seen an average of 15 cases per month, as opposed to five earlier, claims the pandemic took away the freedom to escape a bad relationship. "We couldn't find solace in our friends or office. This, combined with the uncertainty, heightened our fears. A lot of people started feeling stifled with their partners. Moreover, there was a lot more responsibility at home; since men weren't always forthcoming, it aggravated the stress on women, many of whom decided to quit their relationship, feeling they were not in an equal partnership," she explains. Shah, who witnessed divorce rates trebling, says a lot of affairs also came to light. "For three months that we ran a legal advice helpline, we got 80 to 90 calls a day," she adds.

Seeking help
Sedani says relationship counselling, in most cases, is the last resort, often compounding the damage. For those keen to find solutions, she shares a few tips: £Find a counsellor who you connect with, as the journey will be long and painstaking.

>> Be patient with yourself, your partner and the counsellor. Lasting changes take time and introspection. No counsellor has a magic wand; go with realistic expectations.
>> Don't expect the relationship to change if you aren't willing to do so; your intent matters the most.

A couple of changes

City-based couple Pratha Narang and Sushant Naik, who got married in February last year, found themselves locked in together barely days after their honeymoon. The couple, who had only casually dated before this, suddenly came to grips with their diametrically opposite lifestyles and habits, which ended up taking a toll on their relationship, prompting them to also ponder if marriage had been a good idea at all, shares Narang. "The uncertainty of the pandemic aggravated the situation, leading to frequent moments of friction. That's when I heard about a therapy app (ReGain) and signed up for it. We both wanted to make it work," she adds.

Therapy wasn't a completely smooth road though; when they started with the weekly sessions, the first few months were rough, before they figured out how to communicate their problems. "We would get tasks or goals for every week and were also suggested readings, which immensely helped us," says Narang.

She adds that the most important thing she learnt was that partners have to meet each other half-way, but that doesn't necessarily have to mean compromising. "We've now been asked to stop therapy by our therapist. I'm glad we did this together," signs off the expecting mother.