Interview with the non-writer

Dosas, chai, canine friendsu00a0the reasons for not writing are many

What are you 'not writing' at the moment?

A novel set in the Cold War. The story of two dogs one in Leningrad, one in New Orleans. Pen pals who exchange paw prints. Both belong to NRI stationery shop owners, who are overlooked in most narratives of the period.

How will not writing about them change that?

Good question it's an impulse I have to fight. I am angered by an oversight will I address it? That's the job of a writer, not a non-writer.



What is it that stops you from writing?

Dosas. Can't get enough of them. In fact dosas feature in the next novel I'm not writing, Paper. It's about a writer who cannot, or refuses to, write. (His therapist dies just as we're finding out which.) He's inconsolable. His wife ditches him when he starts to call her Jehangir the therapist's name. Jehangir's will contains nothing for him. After the funeral, he steals the therapist's body. His wife writes a novel.

When did you start not-writing?

I think I was 17. I wrote all the way through school, loved writing. Then I read Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse and fancied myself as this walking suicide genius. Now I cannot survive without not-writing.

It must be difficult.

The Internet helps. I write emails I don't want to send. I await responses from people I don't really want to contact and I order things I don't need from eBay.

Describe your typical non-writing day.

I wake up, have breakfast and sit at my desk. I watch the people in the shanty eight floors down going out onto the rocks, stretching, brushing their teeth and spitting into the sea.

If my nails are long, I will cut them. If there is no nail clipper around I might look for one. By lunchtime, the rocks will be submerged and I will be depressed for having spent all morning looking for the nail clipper.

Then what will you do?

If I find it, I'll reward myself with a chai. This will take me away from my desk, but because I'm not writing it won't matter. If the maid's around, I'll ask her to sit at my computer. She's quite good at not-writing. Otherwise I'll overdose on vada pavs from around the corner and struggle to make it through the afternoon without feeling like a tub of lard.

Do you prefer to be at your desk for not-writing?

The desk I'd inherited from the days when I wanted to be a writer. I suppose the implements of writing are part of the philosophy of not-writing.

What inspires you not to write?

Nature. Conversations overheard on buses, in Britannia in Fort a lot of the dialogue I don't use is taken from everyday situations. Things I read in newspapers.

What is your biggest sin?

Twitter. I got into a row with a Bollywood actor who endorses so many products that there are none left for him to endorse. And trips I can't afford to Britannia. I love their 'sali boti' and 'berry pulao' and they make the most divine rotis on earth. I'm researching a book on Parsi cuisine that I'm not writing.

I ask writers, 'Do you write in order to be read or for your own pleasure?'u00a0 As a non-writer, which is it for you?
Many people who write would do us all a favour if they didn't. Am I one of them? I don't know because I haven't written.

Other than dosas and chai, what are your favourite distractions?

The theme tune from Rocky. Tea causes frequent trips to the loo. My teeth become stained and then I think I have to go to a dentist. A celebrity will die in the news, it could be a skiing accident, it could be cancer u2014 I will convince myself that a similar fate awaits me.u00a0

Does not-writing make you happy?

I'm happy those moments when I'm not even thinking about what I won't write next. Not writing poetry makes me happy. I'm quite proud that I don't.

How would you like to be remembered?

Somebody whose work was never made into a film. Someone who didn't have an agent or a publisher in New York or, indeed, anywhere else.

Being a non-writer helps that, no?

Probably. I mean, they'd both want work that sells. There's no such thing as a non-publishing house. I did think of publishing a book with nothing inside it Dan Brown beat me to it. I'd happily write acknowledgements. That and the dedication page are my only regrets about not being published.

Who are your not-writing heroes?

My dogs, Pepe and Ramone. They've never written a word, nor have they read one.u00a0