Lobo Lobo and the vaccine

Lobo Lobo came over, looking epically perturbed.

"Dikuna men, solid tension…uuuff too much chhe", he growled.

"Talk to me, Lobo Lobo," I said gently.

Lobo Lobo was panting, I saw his shirt was shredded from the sides.

"Let me start at de top, to give you full pitcher-see, I went to Goa, we had some disputes dere regarding my property in Margao, our blinking cook Bostian wants to encroach, anyway when I returned back, at de railway station, Bombay Central men, dey, dose officials stopped me, and aksed if had de medical papers and all, am I COVID free? I said to dem, wot papers, dat doctor at Margao Hospital is always eidder drunk or its siesta time….chhe. So dey fust told me, you go back men, you cannot enter, I tolded dem bunkus, I have to enter Virar men, so much tings to do, Myrtle has to make all de Christmas sweets, we have to put up de tree and de decorations, and most important men, we have to practice for de choir, every year few of us, good singers, ah, from de Our Lady of Perpetual Succour Parish, Virar, we go from door to door, singing Christmas carols. Also we have a competition, all de teams from suburbs parishes-our team, vs Mira Road Blesssed Sacrament, and Mt Carmel Church, Bhayendhar, dey are best...see me and Myrtle do a duet men, like Sonny and Cher."

"Uhm Theo can you get to the point please."

"Oh sorry sorry, ok so dere I am standing on de platform and one official, tingoo bugger wearing a maks, akses me, quietly on de side "Hey boss, tumara paas paper nahin hai..worry not, worry not."

So I tought, 100% de bugger wants a bribe. So I aks him straight, 'ow much he wants."

"Nahin nahin...paise nahin chahiye, no cash, no PayTm no ATM…hamara ek naya plan hai. Tumko entry chahiye na, Mumbai madhoon, toh ek sharth hai, ek condition, tumko hamara vaccine try karna padega, you have to try our COVID vaccine', he says.

"And men, he gives me this vial with the vaccine, which I took men."

"Okay so what happened? Are you ok???"

"What bunkus men, boss, no one told to ne dat dis bleddy home-made vaccine has deadly side effects men…See men, fus ting dat happens, fust side effect, is wen I try to sing dem Xmas carols, de words come out like hip hop style, Eminen-like in a very high voice, like Mariah Carey."

"Uhm can you explain further."

"Okay so when I begin to sing, say 'Jingle bells' dis is wot happens…

"Yo yo, dashing tru de yeah men, snow yo yo yo, on a one a one jus' hoss open sleigh, man sleigh…tru de fields we go,yo, laughing all de way yeah yeah yeah…jingle jangle yo yo yo bro…jingle jangle yo yo bro…wear de bells wear de bells."

And my voice goes three octaves up, so I sound like a dame ya!" one blinking fellow hates my guts, Francis Nunes, tells me, 'Hey men Lobo, you should join the ladies choir'."

"But Dikuna, de biggest side effect is if I sing at night, de moment, I open my mouth, my body becomes like de Werewolf, and I have to look at de moon, chhe!"

'And that's it, nothing else right?"

"Dere's one final ting, men Dikuna, one fellow, my neighbour, he's a film producer, so two nights ago, he saw me on my terrace howling at de moon…and boom I'm now a superhero."

"Oh wow what are you called, Lobo Lobo?"

"I'm de 'VACCINE-19 MAN!'"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com

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