Out of this world!

I'm a firm believer in all the conspiracy theories about aliens and their nonstop visits to earth. I have no doubt in my mind that things fishy are hidden at Area 51 and Roswell. What I'm not sure about is whether the extra-terrestrial looks like a humanoid with massive upward slanting eyes or something prawn-like as in the film District 9. Also, will these aliens really wait suspended in green gunk for decades until the President of the United States and Will Smith arrive, to reveal their goal of planetary domination?

The heart on Pluto does not impress me. That sounds like those people who see deities in toast and inside potatoes. But Pluto impresses me much. As do all the sightings of the moons of Saturn, as beamed down by Cassini. Pic/NASA

I do also firmly believe that aliens abduct more Americans than any other people on Earth. Especially Americans who live in the middle of America and work on large and lonely farms and who drive down empty creepy roads alone in the middle of the night: in fact they sound like perfect alien bait. Whether the aliens actually probe them in unmentionable orifices I don't know. Indeed, when you consider that all alien arrivals in films and TV serials happen at tourist spots in every part of the world that is not America, you realise that these aliens are just keeping tabs on American tourists at the Taj Mahal, the Pyramids, Eiffel Tower, Vatican and so on.

Now that Russian entrepreneur and businessman Yuri Milner has started the Breakthrough Listen "endeavour" to search for extra-terrestrial life, together with renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, maybe them aliens will move beyond probing America. I am not sure that $100 million is enough to get to the Andromeda Galaxy, but maybe these beings are closer than we think. Ever since I read Fred Hoyle's Black Cloud I've looked at monsoon clouds very suspiciously. As Joni Mitchell sang, they block the sun and rain and snow on everyone. There were so many things she could have done but clouds got in her way. If that's not hostile alien activity, what is?

I also do want answers, however, to Nazca lines, Easter Island heads and mitochondria. Also those bacteria-like beings they once claimed to have brought back from Mars. They all seem remarkably suspicious things to me, especially since one of them just sits in our cells. Hmm. I hope a trip to Andromeda sorts that one out.

As you can see, I really am a sucker for sci-fi, sci-junk and sci-fi based around the Taj Mahal. The heart on Pluto does not impress me. That sounds like those people who see deities in toast and inside potatoes. But Pluto impresses me much. As do all the sightings of the moons of Saturn, as beamed down by Cassini.

However, if Breakthrough is successful, and I do sorely hope it is, I will be very disappointed by the following. If alien life is found in the solar system, because that means they're even stupider than us if they haven't got in touch so far. If aliens speak English, because the universal translator on Doctor Who's TARDIS aside, that would be just idiotic. If aliens are green, because how clichéd can you get, unless they are as evil and funny as in Mars Attacks. If aliens look anything like they did in the film Alien, because that's just too ugly and communication is going to be very difficult if they keep exploding out of your stomach. If aliens look like petrol pumps, the way they did in cartoons when I was a kid. Been there, done that.

I have serious doubts about bacteria because they really run us and this planet, so maybe these aliens are already here. And are neither green nor do they speak English. I quite like the theory that we ourselves are alien to this planet, some space debris dumped by a passing trailer. Poor Earth, in that case.

Honestly though, with any luck, Breakthrough will find intelligent life outside earth that is nothing remotely like anything we've ever dreamt of. And then we can ask them about crop circles. Admit it. You've always wanted to know.

Ranjona Banerji is a senior journalist. You can follow her on Twitter @ranjona