Ranjona Banerji: Problems? They run in the Family!

In a surprise move, Ratan Tata has replaced Cyrus Mistry as chairman of Tata Sons. Pic/PTI

Family values have always been the top priority among Indians. As that Karan Johar film once said, "It's all about loving your family" and your mummy-daddy or some such. O my lord, did I really mention the words ‘Karan Johar' in sentence two? How very anti-national of me, no? After all, another Family (intentional ‘F' in caps) full of values is really angry with the filmmaker and with good reason too! How dare Johar think he was part of some subcontinental family and use a Pakistani actor in his latest phillum? When the Indian Prime Minister went to Pakistan for a budday party we were a phamily. But not anymore.

Raj Thackeray, who is a part of the Thackeray Family but not of The Main Thackeray Family Political Par­ty, has his own political outfit. He's also a Major Patriot - yes, it sounds almost like an Army rank - because R Thackeray wants Johar to cough up Rs 5 crore for the Army Welfare Fund if he, Johar, wants his film Ae Dil Hai Mushkil to release in India sans any complications (read: without his party, MNS, wreaking havoc all over the country or some parts of Mumbai at least).

Maharashtra CM Devendra Fadnavis, who is part of another Family - the Sangh Parivar - felt he must negotiate the peace settlement between Johar and R Thackeray. This was after another very senior member of the Sangh Family, Union Home Minister Rajnath Singh, said that ADHM (Bollywood Family norms require that all phillums must have acronyms to be trendy, but it also makes lives easier for film journalists with attention deficit issues so they don't have to remember the entire film titles) must be released with apna government security and such.

Now the Army, which is another large Indian Family, says it does not want "extortion" money from R Thackeray. And the Shiv Sena, the main wing of the Thackeray Family, has decided to see the funny side of this saga by heckling its family friend and ally, the BJP, to support Pakistanis. It was the Shiv Sena wing of the Thackeray Family which started the "We will fight Pakistan on the cricket pitches of Mumbai" movement after all. R Thackeray is, therefore, following an old tradition of The Family he has partial claim to.

The Bollywood Family is also divided between Patriots and non-Ps and Nationals and Anti-Ns and this makes some parts of Mumbai very uncomfortable, as the original ADHM song, otherwise known as ADHMJY, suggests. Johnny Walker quite aptly sang - it is difficult to live in Mumbai, not only because of the pothole menace and related stuff but also it's choking with Family values.

Meanwhile, even though their headoffice is at Flora Fountain or Hutatma Chowk - one of Mumbai's better areas - India's most resp­ected corporate ‘house', the Tatas, recently found themselves in a Family Fight. Not surprisingly, Ratan Tata, life-long chairman of the Group, has come out of retirement to oust Cyrus Mistry, whom he had hand-picked to lead India's largest conglomerate in 2012. R Tata will replace C Mistry as chief of Tata Sons. But the Mistry Family - Shap­oorji Pallonji Family - which is also connected to the Tata Family, is likely to fight tooth and nail to keep C Mistry where Ratan put him in the first place.

The best Family Feud, however, is happening elsewhere in India. Don't tell R Thackeray this (although R Tata may appreciate the deflection) but Maharashtra's Family Matters have been trumped by (gasp!) The First Family of Uttar Pradesh. In the Mulayam Singh Yadav versus Akhi­kesh Yadav versus Amar Singh (no Yadav) versus Shivpal Yadav versus Ramgopal Yadav versus Many Other Yadavs, no one can understand what on earth is happening in this family or in the Yadav Samajwadi Party!

Daddy and Son seem to be fighting and various Uncles, Wives, Friends of Family, Enemies of Family and many other Yadavs are taking different, but convenient, sides. They have made the plot almost as complicated as the Mahabharata, which has always been one of India's most exciting and fav­ourite Family Feuds.

In fact, Bollywood should churn out its own Patriotic Family Values project and call it Y Versus Y (also known as YVY). And remember, no Pakistanis until some more budday cake is eaten at another budday party in Pakistan, if you value your life and that of your family, okay?

Ranjona Banerji is a senior journalist. You can follow her on Twitter @ranjona. Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com