21 June,2009 09:33 AM IST | | Vidya Shivram
The holidays are over and once again, a school year has begun. Another year full of plans, hopes, triumphs and disappointments. So you know what your kids did this summer and will do the rest of the year. And you probably have a mental check list for the next year as well. Sample some recently heard parent chat:
"My child is free only one evening a week, he has after-school activities on all other days."
"I like my week's calendar for my little ones all planned ahead. At least I know they are doing something everyday!"
"I don't know what to pack for my kids' lunch u2014 he just doesn't eat what I want him to."
"I often find my wife complaining that our 9-year-old daughter is not 'focusing' on her tasks."
A familiar tune in most urban settings? The common thread is obvious uncertainty and discontent with what your child does or doesn't do and angst about what they ought to be, never mind if they are aged 2 or 12.
Move over packaged health foods, new-you spas, and one-stop shop Nirvana. In this age of quick fix remedies and instant gratification, have we, knowingly or otherwise, made parenting another target, on par with financial planning, career goals or weight management? So much so, are tampering with the 'naturalness' of parenting and therefore, the sheer joy of it?
The responses range from 'We are guilty but can't help it', to 'It's not such a bad thing' and a stout defence of the spontaneity of childhood.
Start 'em young
Say working parents Ashish and Nidhi Sharma who have two boys, aged 2 and 5, "It certainly feels like a target, and right from when they are infants!" The reason, feels Nidhi, is sheer information overload, whether from print or Internet. "I used to count my first child's words as, going by milestones on the Net, he should have made a certain number within say 2-3 months of starting to talk!" Thankfully, the couple relaxed by the time the second one came along and found that things got a lot easier on all fronts.
Food fetish
A key area where many (here, read mums) feel parenting has become more "goal focused" is in eating right or rather, feeding right. Delhi-based Archana Bhatia who works part-time, and is mum of a 3-year-old, asks feelingly, "Do you remember being nagged by your mother for not eating? Yes, there were struggles but not battles! I think my mother just had an inherent wisdom to deal with it. Now with even literature on what "must" be given to children that will impact brain development and subsequently intelligence, we are obsessed with
feeding. That's all mums talk about. A pre-defined quantity of carbs, proteins and vitamins and minerals must be fed or else the world, oops sorry, intelligence will come crashing down!"
Delhi-based Archana Bhatia who works part-time, with her three-year-old daughter
Extra curricular affairs
The time one giggled through music or dance classes on weekends is long gone.
The word 'extra curricular' today covers a gamut of activities from sports and martial arts to the fine arts, cooking, adventures with science, Abacus and Kumon and social skills.
Ruchika Anand, a trained teacher, has been running a play group for one and half to three and half year olds in Hong Kong for the last 10 years. Kids attend twice a week. Says she, "I keep telling parents that I do arts and craft, music and stories with them, but they still scurry round, taking the tiny tots for mini football, motor skill development, music and movement, and art classes! How much craft can a two-year old learn? Often, the parents just want the kids out of their hair."
A pity, but reality too, especially considering nuclear family set ups. On the pretext of having the child "interact and learn to share" (as a parent put it) with other children, little ones are bundled out of the home, from one class to another. Says Archana, "Think of an under three-year-old going for taekwondo. He can't even pronounce it, let alone navigate the complicated manoeuvres." So why is it done? Her answer is honest. "It's partly to give some peace to the mother (very understandable) and partly because everyone else is doing it."
The Joneses syndrome
So we hit a moot point, peer pressure not just for kids but adults as well. Given the fact that we live in a competitive world, ensuring your kids are 'fairly' abreast of their peers is a tough and ever-present task. The key is to get the balance right, feel some. Like Sapna Mangla, mum of a six-year-old, who believes that getting the child into different activities is not a bad thing, as long as you figure out what works for the kid and where to stop.
Says she, "Though I am capable of teaching him Maths, I admit I am exploring options like Kumon, simply because it's being done all round me. On the other hand, when I tried to start him with swimming, he hated it, so I have just let him be. You can't put too much pressure, but you can't withdraw them from totally either. You don't want them to feel under-confident or deficient in anyway."
What many point out is that opportunities are so many today, so you want to give the child a chance to take up what they are good at. Especially if these options were never available to you.
As parents, probably the toughest part is to let go when you need to and lead at the right moment. Like a primary teacher pointed out, "It's a fine line between pushing and motivating."
Reality does show
The issue is often that we are in a hurry for the results to appear. Bangalore based software consultant P Seshan, father of two, draws attention to a recent insurance ad where the toddler starts to speak. After the first flush of joy, the father is getting the kid to say 'banana', and the next one is 'Czechoslovakia'! Says he, "The pride is obvious. Parents are into showing the world that they have a winner. It is an opportunity for one-upmanship on the social ladder. If the children don't end up winners one can always blame the school, the larger society, etc."
Dr Anupama Wagh-Koppar, Vice President (Strategic Planning), JWT India, also believes in the media's close involvement in creating stereotypes, which, in turn, is a reflection of the general trend. Says she, "With media messages and visuals that propagate perfection in almost everything... perfect bodies, perfect relationships, perfect homes etc... perfect parenting can't be far behind. Parents are under stress to live up to the image of a 'good parent'. Not surprising that parents feel performance pressure and approach parenting like a project with deadlines and deliverables." Anupama is based in Delhi, and is mum of two kids, aged 6 and 9.
Free to play?
So, amidst hopping from school to activity classes, has simple free play taken a back seat? Many fervently (and guiltily) agree. The joy of just kicking a ball around, making friends with a neighbour's dog, or talking to yourself in imaginary play certainly seem to be on the wane. The reason, some parents feel, is that one is constantly trying to "do" something with the kid. As a father put it, "I keep telling my wife that we don't need to become our child's 24-hour entertainment (or education) channel." The reality, say others, is that if the child goes down to play, he finds many other kids away at "activities" and so, a vicious cycle begins.
An unsolved mystery?u00a0
Clearly, this is a show where there are no villains or heroes. Just many shades of grey. In his 'Fatherhood', Bill Cosby aptly describes raising kids as "mystical".
The concluding words could well be Seshan's: "We haven't made parenting a target for it is just too complex. One can have a coaching class for changing diapers, or maybe feeding a baby. Rest of parenting is an art which we are very bad at. Yes, parenting items have gone into the to-do list. And we certainly are not letting the kids blossom at their own pace. We are trying the hardest to interfere. But the kids will have their way, finally. Our believing that we mould them is our fallacy."
Strong words, these. And yet, they may, with other similar opinions, form the right steps to apply brakes on 'adult'erating childhood.
