How to...

Sorted with Sandhya Mridul

Hi Sandhya,

My husband and I got married under difficult circumstances, 10 years ago. We had to battle parental opposition, money issues (I was a student and he was making very little money) and angst because of our different religious backgrounds (I'm Gujarati and he's Catholic). Still, for 10 years, we stuck together, making it work.

Today, we are in a much better position...my parents have accepted us, his show signs of coming around, and although he is still not making much money, I am doing quite well to support us both. The problem is, all the tension left us with no time, inclination or financial security to have a baby. Today, I am almost forty and craving for a child, but my husband's lack of ambition means that I cannot afford to quit my job and have a baby. His lack of purpose is killing every chance of us having a child, something he refuses to see. Having supported us all these years, I really think it's time he pulls up his socks and gets his act together so that I can take the time off I need. Isn't it his turn to pull the weight? Things are really bad and we are thinking of separating. Please tell me what to do.

Thanks,Distressed

Dear Distressed,

I completely understand your angst and sympathise with you. It is sad that your husband doesn't, though,u00a0 because what you're expecting isn't unnatural or unreasonable and it has to be a man with a very closed mind who doesn't get that. I hate to say this, but if you've tried to express and communicate this to him as it seems you have, to no avail, then the only option is to quietly separate, at least, for while. You can then hope that the time spent away from you and the fear of losing you opens his eyes and mind. But that's not the only reason for taking such a step. You have to do this for yourself too, to see how much you love this man and if it is worth staying with him or leaving.

Don't overthink it. Live without him for a while and see if you even need or miss him. He seems emotionally disconnected from you, so you may just choose not to be with him and not have his baby. Open yourself to new experiences. You have nothing to lose. You will be fine since you are courageous. He's the one who needs to worry. I really hope time apart helps you both get to the truth and have the guts to face and accept it, because that's where the solution really lies.

Love, Sandhya