Lobo Lobo and the Virus

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over with a mask covering his mouth.

He didn't ring my doorbell, just shouted from outside, "Hey Dikuna men! Let me in, I don't have much time men."

Opening the door, I asked, "Why not ring the bell, Lobo Lobo?"

"Dikuna men, is dat a question dat needs an answer in dese times, chhe..."

I stuck my hand out to shake his.

Out came a sanitiser from a side pocket. He indicated that I should put out my hands, to be thoroughly cleaned. He then bowed to me, folded his hands with an exaggerated 'Namaste'. "I don't have much time," he repeated.

"Why do you have so little time?" I asked Lobo Lobo. "Dikuna men, my family put me under quarantine, bleddy traitors, chhe." "Still, I can't see your full face, but I'm guessing all is not well?"

"Dikuna men, dat is de understatment of de year, how can anyting be well, where all around me it is all coronavirus dis, coronavirus dat, coronavirus de udder, everyting is coronavirus, coronavirus and coronavirus, it's driving me mad, and I tink it has affected my Myrtle."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, does she have a cough? Fever? Any of the symptoms?"

"No men, Dikuna men, she's running around the house oinking like she has de Swine Flu!"

"Does she have the Swine Flu?"

"No men, she's oinking, because she's from Goa, men, and when Goan women, get mad with their Bombay East Indian hubbies, dey oink!"

"How did you escape from your home, Lobo Lobo?"

"Arre, Dikuna men, I was a dish antenna cable technician for tirty years, I know all de tricks in escaping from rooftops and terraces!"

"Where did the problem begin?"

"Arrey men, I went for a school reunion to Lonavla, where we all stayed at de Fariyas hotel. We were sharing rooms, one duffer called Pupul Jadeja, had a cough, which he gave to me men, coughing coughing like a blinking banshee de whole time. So men, I came back wid a cough. Fust de blighters stopped me at de toll naka, I told dem, 'eh octroi guy, you can't stop me. Do you even have de COVID-19 test?'"

"'No we don't'!', dat fool calmly said, 'but we have de PUC test.' I was stunned men. How can you give me a car pollution test, to see if I have de virus? Dat too dey gave me de PUC test for de heavy trucks."

"So what do they do in the PUC test?"

"You have to open your mout, and den dey start a blinking truck and all de smoke goes into your system, if you cuff men, dey say you have de virus. When I got home, coughing, de full family demanded I should be quarantined."

"I'll see you in 14 days, men. While in quarantine I plan to see a special series of Netflix films made on COVID-19?"

"What's on the menu today?"

"A Hritik Roshan starrer called Carona Pyaar Hai."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com

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