Rahul da Cunha: Lobo Lobo: Episode 3

Illustration/Ravi Jadhav

So, dear reader, remember my cable guy Lobo Lobo? Well, he showed up on Diwali day. "Chhe men, I'm bald ragged, men!" he announced. "Why are you pissed off, Mr Lobo? Is it the state of our city or our politicians downgrading the Taj Mahal?" "No men. Dose tings will never change. It's my three bratty children who are driving me cuckoo, men. Can't understand dese younger people's lingo… wot wot tings dey say, de phrases dey use, wot wot tings dey do… My younger fellow, Savio, he's telling his bum chum from Nagpada, after dey are one two pegs down, 'Eh Ansel bro, you are my brudder from anudder mudder'. Wot dat means, men? Dey are not brudders from different mudders, my Savvy has only one mudder, my Myrtle. And what's de big point of brudders - all my seven brudders are fighting over property. When dey say blood is ticker than water, it's all bunkus, men."

Lobo Lobo paused while the smoke coming out of his nostrils settled. "And, my daughter, Cindy, short for Cinderella… she's a pest che! Whole day she's on her blinking phone, walking around our 400-square-feet house, taking dese damn selfies and den she Snapchats dem to her fool friends. I call her I-specialist." "Why don't you put your foot down?" I asked "Mr Rahul, solid cheeky she is, men. She says to me, 'Dad, whatevs!'" "Whatevs is short for whatever," I said knowledgeably. "Arre! I know dat men, wot's de difference between 'whatever' and 'whatevs'?" "I agree, totes," I attempted jokingly.

"Dere is dis ting all ladies are posting on Facebook, some #MeToo campaign - arre! I don't know what it is men, who has time, whole day I'm running like a headless chicken, repairing cables, ladies shouting, 'Eh mera Kyon Ki Saas Bhi Bahu Thi, kidhar hai?" So I ask Cindy, 'Wot dis #MeToo means'. She back answers, while rolling her eyes up, 'Dad it's obvio'." "Obvio is short of obviously," I said knowingly. "Dis generation is damn gutsy men. If I had back answered my fadder like dat he would have given me two good slaps on my BOT-tom!"

"And den dere's my tird chap - Halley. (My Myrtle tot she saw Halley's Comet de day he was born) - full full day he's on bleeding Facebook. Total lukha chappie. Keeps posting rubbish like, 'I am sleeping', 'I am bored' I am going to de loo', I am checking into Vancouver International airport' while sitting in Virar. He eats pizza, den shoots it on his phone and puts it up. Den some fool puts a thumbs up and says, 'Great shot Halley!'. What nonsense, great shot, it's a half-eaten mushroom pizza men!"

'And finally dose stoopid abbreviations dey send on SMS, dese young people - LOL, OMG, ROFL. I want to send back one to them - GYHOODBPADSWM! "What does that spell, Mr Lobo?" "Get Your Head Out Of De Blinking Phone And Do Some Work Men!"

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com