Rahul da Cunha: Lobo Lobo Zinda Hai!

Illustration/Uday Mohite

And so my cable guy Thelonious Lobo showed up on Xmas morning, with a Salman Khan Tiger Zinda Hai pose, his 'swag' somewhat spoilt by his lopsided Santa Claus cap. 'Merry Christmas men, I'm damn bald ragged (70s Bambaiya for 'angry'),' he spluttered. 'Why so, Mr Lobo Lobo? 'Tis the season to be jolly… compliments of the season.' 'No men, I have only complaints of de season, chhe!' he inadvertently quipped. 'Okay tell me… What ails you this morning?''Arrey, many many tings. Where do I start? What is de point of being Catlick anymore in dis blooming country, men.''Calm down, calm down, what happened?''Arrey wot to tell you, men! See last night, Xmas Eve, my mudder, my missus Myrtle and my younger one, Cinderella…,' he began.

'One second, Lobo, you have a daughter named Cinderella?' 'Yes men, she was born at 12 pm in St Ignatius Loyola Nursing Home of Perpetual Succour, in Virar, so we named her Cinderella. But please men, don't spoil my flow of toughts!' 'Apologies, Thelonious,' I hurriedly said. 'So, my tree girls go to a Christmas carols singing session, our side only men, in Virar, Myrtle has de best soprano voice in whole of Palghar, she's six times winner in our parish in 'Over 50s female vocalist' category. My Cinderella is part of de choir, singing solo on 'Silent Night, Holy Night'. So dere dey are all are peacefully singing, dey are midway trough 'all is calm, all is bright' and dese ruffians come and stop dem - 'Yeh sab English gaana stop karo! Chalo loudspeaker bandh karo!' Nutting is 'calm and bright', men, it's a jhanjhat, men!'Lobo Lobo stopped for breath.

I thought it was a good time as any to change the topic - to voice my cable TV problems to my cable guy. 'Mr Lobo, since you're here, all my sports channels are off, what is the problem?' 'Of course, men, you have to link them to your Aadhaar Card (pronounced 'Udder').' 'I have to link my sports channels to my Aadhar card?' I enquired, incredulous. 'Yeah men, all de sports channels have to be linked to Udder card. And news channels, too men, bleddy.' 'Why news channels?' I asked, gobsmacked. 'So de powers-dat-be can see who's watching wot men! If you're watching NDTV, dey know who's house to send de CBI to raid. Dey love it if you're viewing
dat shouting fellow...wot's his name men, Arnold… ah Arnold Goswami.'

'Lobo Lobo saab, it's Arnab not Arnold.' 'What you saying, I tought he was a maka pao, how much he shouts!' 'Uh no Theo… I think he's from Orissa.' 'Achcha men, did you go to Virendra Sehwag's wedding?' 'Huh? Sehwag got married some years ago, he has some kids too, I think.' 'No no he got married last week, to someone called Shka… It was all over de papers men. You don't read or wot men, together Viru and Shka, dere name is Virushka.'

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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