Rahul da Cunha: Meet Lobo Lobo

Illustration/Uday Mohite

So, I made a new 'acquaintance', on August 15 to be precise - Lobo, my Tata Sky cable dude.
(A quick heads up, dear reader, Lobo will be appearing in my column off and on, as a recurring character. Largely because he is one of the most uncommon common men I've ever met, his views conveyed in a delicious Catlick accent).

"What is your name," I asked, as his thin spindly legs Don Quixoted through my door.

"I'm Lobo, dis side."
"And your first name?"
"Lobo."
"You're Lobo Lobo?"
'No men, chhe. My fader named me Thelonius. In Mumbai, when you say, 'Mera naam hai Thelonius', people make dose PJs like 'Kya thel aur onions!' So I decided Lobo is more simpler. I am called Thelonius only by my mudder and Fader Theo Braganza SJ, Head of Our Lady of The Sea church in Bhayandar."

I wished Lobo 'Happy Independence Day' as we briefly watched our national CEO hold forth across every TV channel.
Lobo Lobo was not amused.

"Arrey wot is de point of all dese bhashans, men, same same tings dey promise every Independence Day men, nutting changes - I'm surprised dat de blinking Red Fort is still red men, wid all de pollution in Delhi it should be Brown Fort by now."

"Uhm, can we just focus…" I started.

But Lobo was just getting started.

"Wot you're wishing me happy independence? Arre where we are independent? Can we express wot we want? Eat wot we want? Arre, I am not independent to eat blinking beef chilly fry in peace! De udder dey I was bringing pork back from Peter's Pork Store in Bandra, dese haramis stopped me on de road, frent of everyone and aksed, 'Yeh kya hai?'

I told dem, simply, it's pork, men… dat stopped dem good and proper! Arrey, if it was beef, dey have given me a trashing or wot?"
'Uhm Lobo… my Netflix…", I attempted.

"And our blinking young people, are dey independent? Arrey re, dey are only dependent on de computers. Instead of running around on de footer fields, whole day, dey are on blinking wifi. I keep telling my younger fellow, Ronaldo, named after dat Cristiano chap, "Eh idiot, play football, men... Wot sitting at home, your nose buried in de laptop…whole day. Surfing, Playstation, I mean, wot is dis blue shark nonsense, men?"

"Blue Whale Challenge," I tried to correct Lobo.

"Arrey whale, shark, can be a blinking pomfret for all I care, what kind of game is it dat akses young peoples to 'off' themselves, bleddy?!! And dese young duffers are listening; dey are 'offing' themselves. Dese young blokes and dames should be making merry men… wot troubles dey have? Instead of dancing and playing Housie, dey are committing hara-kiri because some game tells dem to?"

"I believe the government has banned Google, Facebook and WhatsApp from…"

"Banned again… they are banning everyting… arrey next dey will ban the air I breed, men… I just hope dey don't ban Sunny Leone!" Lobo completed with a wicked smile.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com