Rahul da Cunha: Oly-limp-ics?

So, our Rio sojourn hasn't begun well. Shri Phelps has won more individual medals than India's collective tally at the last 10 Olympic, Commonwealth and Asian Games. I wish the Games had cricket, chess, kabaddi and kho kho. At least in cricket Virat could have led us to, kam se kam, a bronze.

Even in the lead up, dope scandals rocked our world - Narsingh Yadav claimed someone had spiked his food. Our shot putter's dreams were shot down. Then there was all this rooming nonsense - Leander Paes spent more time getting himself a single room then he did on the doubles court. Saina said sayonara to a ladies' medal.

Illustration/Uday Mohite

As I write this, we've done pretty dismally so far. In some cases it's been heart breaking - Mr Bindra lost a bronze by a hair's breath. Our hockey blokes are fighting hard but who's to say? And, best of luck, Saina.

Then, Shobhaa De won the gold medal of hate mail, defeating the previous highest which was won by Aamir for his 'intolerance' comment. Either way, a nation of one billion waits for medal like ATKT students wait for their ICSE results. "Kuch bhi chalega…please…a tin…a platinum…an aluminium, any material of medal will do."

Even 'Make In India. Coached by Foreign' hasn't yielded any success. You see, I'm a patriot at heart. So, I'm recommending some pretty serious amendments to improve our performance - as for most things vital in our 'desh', I will need to enlist the help of Bollywood.

Farhan Akhtar, after his training for Bhaag Milkha Bhaag will pakka win us a bronze. One better than the original flying Sikh. And, Irrfanbhai, after Paan Singh Tomar knows a thing about middle distance running and hurdles.

And, why don't we have a cycling team? Arrey, Indian Olympic Federation, didn't any of you guys see Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar? Come on, Aamir Khan was a pro on a bike. And, this is after the baddies tried to derail him.

Women's hockey. Come on guys, don't you think Shah Rukh Khan can make a difference? Mary Kom has come and gone. But, Priyanka Chopra remains. And now after all that Quantico and Baywatch training, swimming glory might also await her.

But, there is one man, one superstar who for the first time in the history of the Games can represent his nation in two separate sports. I mean this is not like Michael Phelps who freestyles, butterflies, backstrokes and breaststrokes - this is a man who can simultaneously excel in two disciplines. Who needs Sushil Kumar when we have Salman Khan?

First thing of course, is wrestling. After Sultan, the man can take on anyone in the world. Plus, with Anushka in the lightweight women's category, we have a lethal combo. Then, who needs Bindra when we have Bhai?

Our shooters are complaining about wind conditions. Arrey, bhai, Sallu shot a deer over 50 metres away, with no training, an amateur gun, twigs, branches, heavy forest in his way, plus the target was moving.

Boss, instead of trying to put him behind bars, send the dude to Brazil, samjhe? So, yeah, that's my plan to make India's Olympic results, faster, higher and stronger. And, we can go from Shobhaa De to Chak De!

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com