Rahul da Cunha: The name's Bahar. Pan Bahar

Illustration/Uday Mohite

So, apparently, Pierce Brosnan wants to slit his wrists. This is the second Bond in the last year who wants to engage in this heinously messy suicide. Remember Daniel Craig had said he'd rather do that than play James Bond again? Pierce Brosnan's reasons are different - he had endorsed Pan Bahar masala thinking it was a ‘tooth whitener & mouth freshener'. Now that he's been told its real ‘health benefits', the man is truly shaken and stirred. "I'm licensed to kill. Are you listening, Bahar? Pan Bahar", he mumbled to the press.

Many Indian cine celebrities, previously p''sed off that the British super spy had got such a lucrative Indian advertising assignment, are relieved. The fear that this could start a trend of outsourcing foreign celebs had entered the minds of senior stars from Bollywood, Tollywood, Mollywood and Gollywood.

Rajinikanth was the most livid. ‘Saar, waat is this naansense? Why are they getting foreign ex-superstars to promote Indian brands when they have working legends, like me, available? I would not just hold a pan masala tin like that - aiyyo, so boring! I would flip it from my foot onto my hand and do all my typical Rajini tricks!"

Shatrughan Sinha, annoyed that he had no career in Hindi films unlike Mr Bachchan, yelled, ‘Khamosh, you already have a pan masala named after you called ‘Rajinigandha'. They should have made me brand ambassador; I am from Bihar, the man of the masses."

Anil Kapoor, looking fitter than even Sonam Kapoor, quipped, ‘Shotgun, they chose Pierce saab because they're looking to lift their image from small town India, to Southampton. You really think you're the guy to endorse upmarket brands?"

Shotgun, shot back, ‘My daughter can act hundred times better than your son. Is that Mirzya even a movie?

‘Don't bring in my son, your daughter can't even karate kick properly, let alone act…" Anil replied.

Garam Dharam, jumped up… "Badthameezon, neither of you is sophisticated. For real sophistication you need to look no further than me and my Dream Girl. We are going to suggest a Kent water purifier and Pan Bahar joint promotion."

And then came in some breaking news that shattered all their aspirations. A Pan Bahar spokesperson announced that the company was looking for a foreign brand ambassador to replace Shri Brosnan. No Indian celebrities were being considered. The company had considered Maria Sharapova, but she declined on the grounds that she refused to ingest any foreign substance.

Donald Trump was a strong contender, but he had already been snapped up to be the spokesperson for International Women's Day and Support the Girl Child. The campaign is to be called the ‘Great Indian Grope Trick'. Finally, the spokesperson said, we tried Khan, Fawad Khan. He told us that he had been cast as the new James Bond, in the upcoming addition to the 007 franchise, called "For Your IS Only". He said he was already endorsing a competitive pan masala brand, named - ‘Pak Bahar'.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com