18 September,2009 08:10 AM IST | | L Romal M Singh
Music is a part of any sane human beings' life. But what is it that music doesu00a0 have you ever thought about it?
"There are times when I look above and beyond... There are times when I feel your love around me baby... I'll never forget ma' baby... (I'll never forget you)," sang Janet Jackson in what most would call an annoying techno track from the past that we're happy to have forgotten.
To me, however, that track is a landmark, a milestone in my musically defined state of existence. A song that helped me discover a person within me and a side of me that I didn't know existed, till much later.
This was 1997 and I was in school. Most of us puberty-hitting tweens had just got de-addicted from the last attack of techno that took the world by stormu00a0 read Aqua and we were still recuperating. The boy bands were in demand like never before and for good reason. I swooned at every good looking guy I saw on TV, funnily however the guys around me never did seem all that interesting!
Did I know I was different, not yet, I mean, who spoke about those raw feelings we went through at such an age anyway? I knew I loved anything aesthetically pleasing, wait, who am I kidding? I like anything that looked pretty and was proud.
Years passed and my mind took to an existence of its own. I neatly defined my reality, censoring every non-conforming thought as a non-existent. Deep down, I was really somebody else. Each inch of the real me struggled every single moment to stay alive while I suppressed it with such cognitive forces, that I'm surprised that no damage was done. I still lived the truth in my dreams, in my subtle freudian slips and in animated hand movements that I blamed on my training in Bharatanatyam.
But, it finally happened and one fine morning I woke up knowing I was gay. Knowing from my deepest core, that there was no other way. I wish it was really that simple, but it wasn't. It took almost three months of consoling myself, several tear-ridden pillows and recurring bouts of self-hate, before I finally came to terms with the real me.
After that all defining, nirvana-equating moment of self-discovery, it was actually that simple! On that beautiful morning, I woke up proud and happy, imagining myself running through a field of mustard plants, skimming the bright yellow blossoms with my soft hands. Yes, here I was, in my mind, in Madhu Bala's place, gleefully imagining my own Roja sequence and being extremely proud of it.
This was just the beginning. Music and what it did to me now defines my existence. If a song could have made me feel like a princess or motivate my imagination to go wild and lose every sense of self-containment, I am sure it was this one and I loved it. Today if a song can make me cry or smile or giggle with glee or do all of the three things at the same time, which I am capable of I will love it even more.
Maybe this is what being gay is all about. Being beautiful from within. Life is much happier this way, I've discovered. Amen.
