What, men, why men?

What men, why you attacking us, men? What my fader did to your fader, huh? Accha, you tink I'm being paranoid about us Catlicks being targeted? Like you're saying dat our ex-police chief, Julio Ribeiro, was exaggerating, when he said he feels like a stranger in his own country? He was accused of being, what was it, a big big word you used - a ‘victim monger'. Okay so I believe CM Fadnavisji when he reassures de community that de attack on de New Panvel church was not religiously motivated. But den de next day a church in Haryana is destroyed, de following day, ‘certain forces' treaten to burn down a Missionary school in Bengal, what is all dat?

Unrelated? Just random incidents? Dere is a pattem na? No one else in de country is being picked on, you follow na men? Everyday you open de papers, dere is a new incident, and it's only against one religious community. Against a miniscule 2 per cent of de population.

Illustration / Amit Bandre

No one is being violent against de Bawas, or de Bohris, or de Bodos, no one is targetting de Biharis, or de Bengalis, or de Buddhists. Are dey mutilating monasteries or Gurdwaras or Synagogues...or heavens above, an Agiary?

No, it is only chapels and churches. Den a nun was raped, men, a 70-year-old Mother Superior, she used to be principal of Fort Convent here near Regal Cinema, my sas's school principal in the '70s. I know dey are saying de Rape accused are Bangladeshis, but once again you feel there is a pattern. A coicidence, che men.

Den a Jabalpur church is stoned, and de people of Mangla are fearing attacks by Hindu extremists groups. Last year dey abused some Christmas carol singers. Arre imagine you are singing ‘Jingle Bells' in the street, and someone gives you a ‘jhaap'!

Am I scared of being attacked, what personally? Where? Here in dis our city of Mumbai ? No, no way, men, Mumbai is safe up to now …fully cosmo…uhm…cosmopilitan. But to tell de truth, dere is a feeling of being victimised. No doubt, men. Wouldn't you, if every day you read dat your places of worship were being stoned, all across de country. I mean, I thought dat India was secular, na men? We're peace loving peeps men, susegad. I mean, who's bleddy trying to convert you? We are all brudders. De point is we are not violent types…actually how we'll fight men, our Lord said to turn de udder cheek. But I do feel ‘ball ragged'!

I was tinking of calling our leaders and suggesting, close all de 12,000 Christian schools in India. Chalo, even for a week. Just to give a ‘hul', men. Den see de fun. So many of dese politicians, dey want dere kids to get into dese schools. What happens den, men? When de education system is rocked, den dey'll realise our value, na?

I mean, we really know how to victimise people in our country. Arre, blaming Anushka for dat Virat chappie's poor form! Crazy, men.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62 @gmail.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper.