Anyone up for a nice miracle chapati?

With the vaccine miracle just around the corner, it`s a good moment to scrutinise its details. Representation pic/Getty Images

The story goes that a certain wretched Bombay youth, back when it used to be Bombay, decided to commit suicide. The reason, the story tells us, was an incurable cancer. Did he have it? His mother? We are not told.

Rather than jumping off the Stock Exchange building, because it didn't exist then, he opted to walk into the sea and continue till dead. We don't know how deep in the water he was when something wet, large and sticky hit him on the side of his neck - thwack!!! - and a voice, presumably God's, began to speak.

There was no need to die, God said reasonably. The thing that had just thwacked him was a miracle chapati capable of curing all existing diseases and preventing all forthcoming ones.

"Oh, right ho, thanks then," the young man presumably said, relieved, and turned back towards the lights of Chowpatty.

"Not so fast," God said. "There's no such thing as a free lunch. To show your gratitude, you will place this amazing chapati in a stainless steel dabba in a solution of tea, water and sugar, where it will double in a week. Place the new miracle chapati in a separate container, and soon two will become four. A teaspoonful of that liqueur thrice daily will cure cancer, diabetes, dementia, hiccups, acne, everything. Got it? Pass on the remaining three chapatis to deserving people, with the same caveats. Never give away the original chapati."

"Got it," said the youth.

"Think of it as a chain chapati," God shouted to his retreating backside.

The miracle chapati was a thing, back in the 1970s. The suicide story was in all the papers and it was the only chatter at any party, never mind if no one had actually seen the chapati or met anyone who had been made whole by drinking its elixir.

I was reminded of the miracle chapati by the buzz around the coming COVID vaccine. India, the world's vaccine manufacturing hub, announced plans to vaccinate 300 million people - a population equal to the United States' - by June. If someone were to proclaim that the COVID vaccine incidentally also cures erectile dysfunction, stammering, migraine and rhotacism, they would be readily believed.

Between the miracle chapati and the miracle vaccine, we have received our share of passing daily miracle cures. In non-pandemic times, the list has included turmeric, to be taken with honey and ghee in the morning; basil leaves with pepper, honey and turmeric for most any respiratory condition; methi seeds soaked overnight and taken with honey in the morning to cure or prevent diabetes, cancer and heart disease while keeping blood pressure, sugar and cholesterol within legal limits; karela with powdered cinnamon to reverse diabetes; chia seeds and quinoa for fibre, bioflavonoids and as immune boosters; hot water with lemon juice first thing in the morning to, it seems, 'initialise' your body.

With incurable COVID-19 rampant, it has been a busy time for fake miracle cures. A shortlist would include a Japanese pendant that wards off the virus; homoeopathic arsenic; a colloidal silver solution; the Miracle Mineral Solution, available only by mail order from the Genesis II Church; several potions and pills produced by Baba Ramdev; and an anti-corona mattress.

With the vaccine miracle just around the corner, it's a good moment to scrutinise its details. The only specific claim made on behalf of the vaccine is that it has been 95% effective in preventing infected people from becoming very sick. It does not prevent getting COVID-19 infection. It does not prevent transmission. You still have to wear your mask, be a good boy now. And you still cannot just hop into a plane and go to Thailand for a holiday.

As for the so-called miracle chapati, it sounds an awful lot like a health drink called kombucha that originated in Manchuria, China maybe 200, maybe 2,000 years ago. A kombucha culture is a symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast (SCOBY), similar to mother of vinegar, containing several species of probiotic bacteria and yeasts, which form a jelly-like mat known as a "mother", or more memorably, mombucha. Clearly some clever Indian brought it back from Manchuria, realising that as the chapatis multiplied, so would his income.

The fizzy drink made from the elixir has been popular in parts of Russia, China and Japan for centuries. Homebrewn widely now and also sold commercially in bottles, kombucha has been claimed to prevent ageing and cure AIDS anorexia, arthritis, atherosclerosis, cancer, constipation and diabetes, but there is no scientific evidence to support any of these claims.

My fascination with the miracle chapati came to a quick end the day my father triumphantly brought one home. It looked like a big, wet, slimy, glistening pita bread, floating in its thick sweet liqueur. Since no one at home was sick, my father gave away the whole chapati with its juices, and that was that.

Here, viewed from there. C Y Gopinath, in Bangkok, throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai, the city that raised him. You can reach him at cygopi@gmail.com. Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper