Gujarat Titans vs Goan Lobster Kings

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I feel a sense of dhokla-undhiyu-hood, a desire to twirl a dandiya stick or two, every time the Gujarat Titans come out to play in IPL 2022 - I think this exuberance emanates from my ‘mother's side' Gujju parentage.

Didn't much care for Hardik Pandya post the Coffee with Karan show… his boastful misogyny, his Patek Philippe laden show pony-ness… but watching him captain the Titans, with an easy swagger, giving the Shamis, Shubmans, Lockie Fergusons and Rashid Khans a freedom and joie-de-vivre to perform, is refreshing.

But this Gujarati side must be balanced out by my Goan heritage, really don't want my Goan father squabbling with my Gujarati mother that there's any favouritism - the Gujarat Titan's slogan Aava de must be matched up with a Rava de type-war cry for my new Goan team.

Dear reader, I have no funds, so I'm offering a lifetime supply of any Goan dish to the players.

Plus I'd like to name the teamGoan Giant Lobsters, or Goan King Fish (if you've noticed most teams have a ‘Giants' or ‘Kings' in the name).

My goal is to find a Dream 11 to compete in IPL 2023. Here is my wish-list of players - My captain would be the ex-PM of Pakistan, Imran Khan… the out-of-work, all-at-sea politician, debonair ladies' man, but dashing swashbuckling player. When I look at him, I don't see a failed Prime Minister, I see someone who nearly failed me my 1978 ICSE Board exams! Me trying to study the syllabus, while studying his supreme bowling action on a black and white ECTV set.

His vice-captain has to be that other misguided politician, the colourful Sikh, Navjot Singh Sidhu aka Sherry Paaji with his platitudes and proverbs.

My third dream player, is Volodmyr Zelensky, unlike Immy, a dude who knows how to run a country. Up against the humourless brutality of Putin and the higgledy-piggledy colourlessnes of Biden, he stands tall. His leadership, and resistance are unmatched, plus he's a stand-up comedian and a musician.

To go with him, his roommate could be French Prezzie, Emmanuel Macron. These will be my two overseas European players.

At number five I'm going straight for Will Smith… we need his Men in Black, slap happy, slap dash pizzazz in the team; poor guy has been banned from the Oscars for ten years, who knows if anyone will cast him for awhile… so I say, "Will brother... my IPL team needs you. Think of every ball as if its Chris Rock's face and slap the hell out of it. You will be our Fresh Prince of Baga Beach!"

Next, I want Murali Karthik, and Mayanti Langer, by far the most annoying chatterboxes on the box, if they join the team, it will save millions of having to mute their TVs rather than listen to them.

Alia Bhatt is a must-have, she's just married, so she serves as team mascot, motivator, mentor and cheerleader. And with Brahmastra finally releasing with Ranbir Kapoor as a superhero, I want them, as
a package deal.

I need the greatest bowling combo IPL has ever seen, so the plan is to steal Jasprit Bumrah and Trent Boult away from their respective teams, pair them together. In return, Bumrah gets a lifetime supply of Bombil/Bombay Duck and Trent Boult gets a 20-year complimentary stay at Fort Aguada.

Finally, the team anthem, Rave de recorded and sung by Remo Fernandes will go something like this -

Rava de, Rava de, Rava de, Rava de,
Rava grill, Rava fry, Rava chilly, Rava dry
We are beach, we are sky, We are Rava Rava fry
Rava de, Rave night, We won't give up de fight
We're Goan Lobster Kings,We're gonna win dis ting
Rava masalalalalalalala, We are Vindaloo, We will VinDeCup, Rava de, Rava de
Rava Rava Rava de, Rava grill, Rava fry, Rava chilly, Rava dry
You can eat it, Just can't beat it, We're Goan Lobster Kings, We're gonna win dis ting
Rava de, hey!

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com