iBetter than you

Illustration/Uday Mohite

And so, Apple launched the iPhone 13 with much global fanfare.

Mr Mango announced a council meeting on the Fruits WhatsApp group, "Zoom meeting this evening, will send the link ASAP."

That evening, the King of Fruit said on the Zoom session, "Fellow fruits, as your leader I ask, what are we doing to stop the invasion of Apple? They keep launching new products, like this iPhone 13, they have become the most talked about of all fruits - what are the rest of us doing to remain in the public eye? Let's start with you Mr Pineapple. Launched anything of note recently to get a bite of the market?"

"Well, Aam Aadmi Sir, my Ananas cameras are very popular, among a certain uhm... market… I uh can't really uhm divulge details... I've signed secrecy contracts."

"Spit it out!" the Aam Aadmi thundered.

"Right... my Ananas range of micro cameras are uhm used mostly for uhm hanky panky activities… uhm they are a part of the Pegasus spyware… my mini spycams called PineApps are everywhere, we placed one in Raj Kundra's phone, you can imagine what scenes I have witnessed. We slipped one into the BCCI office, so we knew months ago, who would be the next T20 captain."

"Duh… what's the secret there. Even I know it's Rohit…" Miss Banana scoffed.

"Uhmmm Ms Banana what you don't know is that a little later we also implanted into Virat's specs this small camera, called DRS (Direct Retinal Signal) which goes through his cornea into his brain - therefore, we know what he's thinking at all times - like why he didn't select Ashwin, why he doesn't quit RCB captaincy, and hand it over to ABD, what he really thinks of Anushka's acting… everything!" Mr Pineapple said.

"Okay… moving on. Let's ask you, Ms Banana, uhm if we could pull you away from texting for a second? What have you been upto?" Mr Mango asked challengingly.

"Well dude, I don't accept you as my leader, capeesh? Banana Republic sales have overtaken Mango, in the UK and the US in the 2021-22 quarter inspite of the pandemic."

"Yeah yeah yeah, smarty pants but that's your mom's legacy… what have you done?" Mango baited.

"Bro, I'll ask the same of you! What's your claim to fame? My great great grandad introduced the political term ‘Banana Republic' which is still prevalent in Africa and other parts of the world. I don't believe there is a term, ‘mango republic', right, homie? In fact, you're so chauvinistic, that you quelled the ‘womango movement' that rebelled against your mango alpha male fiefdom. I disapprove of your brand of ‘aamarchy' I think your regime is done bro, I think we need a change of leadership and you should hand over to Mr Orange, he's de man, he's too cool. Under his tutelage, we'll get a whole new set of youngsters! So go Mango go get lost!" Ms Banana rasped.

All eyes turned to the Citrus seated at the end of the table. "And my dear Narang, talk to us, how's it going for you… what's the Orange brand name boasting about," Mr Mango asked sarcastically.

"First of all, we have a range of products that will be launched for the third wave of COVID-19, and all pandemics that may befall us in the future - since my company is now O-Range, all my products will be preceded by the alphabet ‘O'", Mr Orange announced.

"OK," said Grape & Sons in unison.

"My sub-brands include O-Man, O-My, Ooof, Ola, Olalala, OMG, Om Shanti and Ouch!" Mr Orange said.

"What's ‘Ouch'?" everyone asked, fascinated.

"Oh, that's just me yelling, because a mosquito bit me, I'll now apply some O-domos," Orange concluded, with a smile.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com