Lobo Lobo and the Padma Shri Awards

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo, my cable TV guy came over annoyed. "Hey Dikuna men, I have some deep concerns to share wid you."

"I would expect nothing less Lobo Lobo, tell me!"

"Dikuna men, I want to lodge a complaint, a national complaint."

"Lodge a complaint about what… and to whom?

"I wish to share my grievances about dese Padma Shri and Padma Shrimati, Padma Bhushan, and Padma Vibhushan and Padma Bharat Bhushan and all dose Bhushan awards... every Tom, Dick and Karan is getting one… so I'm aksing de query… why not I got one? Don't I also deserve for all de distinguished service I have given or no?"

‘Uhm Lobo Lobo, excuse my ignorance and don't take it personally, but how are you eligible. Have you given… uhm distinguished service that has effected the country as a whole?"

"Of course I have definitely given more dan dat Karan Johar fellow who received dis year."

"He has given distinguished service in films!"

"Yes, but what is de service he has offered… all dose rona-dhona-sona fillums, arrey if I didn't give my cable service, how he'll give his service, men… for people to watch dey have to avail of me na?"

"So have you come here to complain, Lobo Lobo, about how you should have been awarded a Padma Shri for distinguished service for having put up dish antennas?"

"Yes! But even if you take de criterion for dese awards I have fulfilled men! If you look at how peepuls speak to me, I have excelled in social service, de way I have to negotiate dere Alsatians and Rotweilers, I'm expert in animal husbandry! Let me aks you to inform me wot is de reason dat dame… uhm… wochyoucall Rangana Cannot, why she got a Padma Shri... what distinguished service she's done men, tell me, excepting making dose all comments? She's toh all de time criticising peepul and tweeting and getting people irritated, and telling dat we din't get de freedom in 1947, but in 2014.

Chhe…okay I'll admit she's an ok ok actress, dat Jayalalita role she played and all, but if acting-shacting is de criteria dey should give to better actresses no? How about dat Pannu girl who got dat tappad… or even dis… Sherni one… who played Shakuntala men… and Alia But… dey all are more deserving isn't it?

And please to tell me why to give de Padma to dat Balaji lady… dat Jeetender fellow's daughter… she makes all dose KKK serials… dose boo hoo ones… Tum Kayko Saas Boo Hoo Tee… wot is de criterion men. Wot is so ‘distinguished service' about dese serials… who all watch men?"

"So you're point is what Lobo Lobo?"

"De main point I'm making is I'm tinking of beginning my own ‘distinguished service awards'."

"What do you mean Lobo Lobo?"

"See men, I tink I'm giving very distinguished service… you tink it is easy to go to home after home, all day, every day to have dese mad ungrateful peepuls yelling at me!

‘Hey technician, hamara Sun TV kidhar hai?' Arrey I have to put up dese dish antennas, trough peeupls drying clothes and water pots. So I'm beginning de Theo Lobo Awards for distinguished services in different areas. I wish to reward dese people who have to put up wid mad ungrateful yelling customers"

‘Like… uhm what."

"So dere is de Theo Lobo Award for Cable TV Repair, Theo Lobo Award for Air Conditioning service. Theo Lobo Awards for Car Repair and Theo Awards for Water Purifer Maintenance."

"Right so who's getting the Theo Lobo Award for Cable TV repair this year?"

"My son, Ronaldo."

"Uhm… giving the award to your own son. Isn't that a bit…"

"Arre wot men, it happens all de time, it is called nepotism… aaks Padma Shri winner, Karan Johar."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com