27 March,2022 07:34 AM IST | Mumbai | Rahul da Cunha
Illustration/Uday Mohite
âWhy so serious, Lobo Lobo?", I asked
âDikuna men⦠dis is not my âserious' expression, got it⦠in fact dis is my âunhappy' look, can't you mek out⦠it is totally different from my âserious' look!"
"Okay, so what makes you so unhappy to warrant such an expression?"
"You should in fact aks me what makes me âappy and my answer is nutting, got it, nutting makes me âappyâ¦"
"That is truly sad to hear!"
"Akshully one ting makes me âappy and dat is I am not alone in my feelingsâ¦? One billion peepuls feel de same way as me, men!"
"How so Lobo Lobo⦠I don't fully get you!"
âArre Dikuna men, you read de papers o wot⦠we, dat is India is de one tirty sixt unhappiest countryee in de worldâ¦as per de 2022 World Happiness Reportâ¦can you believeâ¦136th â¦so depressing to hear!!!' How can we be so low as to be de 136th Happiest Nation in de world..dat too out of oni 146 countries!"
"Yes, Lobo Lobo that is indeed an unfortunate statistic."
"Arrey baba you're telling to me dat Pakistan is âappier dan us, chhe, we dropped a missile into dere country and still dere âappier dan India. Wot it means men⦠how can our Dushman no. 1 be more âkush' dan us, tell me Dikuna men?"
Lobo Lobo was just getting started.
"My better -half Myrtle and dat doofus son of mine, Ronaldo, are doing kit kit in my ears to migrate to Finland⦠five times in a row dey are de happiest nation..sumting must be speshal about dem Finnish people.
An' den Iceland⦠dey are number tree on de list⦠how can dose Icelandic peepuls be jumping for joy in de snow⦠bleddy freezing temperatures⦠See I follow dat Swizzerland is âappy, dey are at number four⦠full full day dey mus be eating dose chockies⦠one day Lind, nex day bleddy Toblerone⦠and tird day Kit Kat, of coss dey'll be overjoyed na!⦠and den dey go skiing-weeing in de Himalyas!"
"Alps", I corrected.
"Ok ok same difference, a mountain is a mountain men, don't show off dat your geography is so good! Arre, I aks and pliss to tell me, âow Isrel can be so âappy men? Dey are a war torn blinkin country, year after year dey are bombing and being bombed, exchanging fire wid dose Palestinians, and still dey have de time to answer a questionnaire and dey land up nint on de list⦠9th bossie, Isrel is ninth!⦠it is crazy!"
Lobo Lobo had a point, as he got madder and redder in the face.
âTell me more, my friend"
" Iran and Iraq are bot ahead of us, chhe!
Ukraine, bleedin' Ukraine at number 108⦠Dere are bombs going off in Kyiv, men⦠Russia has destroyed dere country, as dey go tru de worst crisis in dere histry, and lo and behold, 108th!⦠â¦I agree we âave real problems, but tankfully we don't âave war on our streetsâ¦! But still dey are 28 places above us in de list!"
"108h out of 146, doesn't make them happy, Lobo Lobo"
"Dikuna men, anyone above us is âappier dan us, got it?"
I had to concede he was right. Lobo Lobo went quiet
âWhy so serious suddenly, Lobo Lobo", I asked.
"Dikuna men, dis is my sad look! I should be âappy dat we are not at de bottom of de totem pole of happy nations"
"So why aren't you happy Lobo Lobo?"
"Because I see who's last-it's Afghanistan! I would have been trilled if it was Russia, China, or North Korea⦠any of de world bullies should have brought up de rear! But Afghanistan even wid de USA pulling out after 20 years, de damage and de scars are everlasting. Nutting can be sadder dan being the saddest nation in de world", he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com