Lobo Lobo in the flesh

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over dressed in the most outlandish clothes, wearing a floppy hat with the designs of different types of fish.

"See men Dikuna, dere is pomfret, bhangra, surmai, all all fishes in de ocean… made by my Myrtle."

"Lobo Lobo why are you attired like uhm… Ranv… uh… ir?"

"Because he is my hero, men… bindaas bugger he is, wears all mad mad clodes… duzzent care two hoots… dough now toda trubble he's in. And me also I'm in some trubble men."

"You? Do I dare ask why are you in trouble, Lobo Lobo?"

"See Bossie, de trut is I posed in de NUDE men!," he confessed

"Wahhhhht? You posed nude… what… why…where?" I enquired, horrified.

"See Dikuna men, mistake became dis last wikend, all my footer buddies, and me went to Lonavla. On de way, we stopped for some vada pao and bhajiyas and we were all jumping around in de lovely waterfalls and lakes like dat Liril Girl men... lalalalllalalala. We were singing all Englebert Humperdink songs… and Tom Jones and I was singing dat Lionel Ritchie number, Dancing on de ceeling… and one blighter he's singing Ram Teri Ganga Maili like dat Mandakini types."

"Sounds like fun, Lobo Lobo… so what happened next, I'm dying to know."

"Arre wait men, have to give de backdrop to de whole situashun."

"Right. Take your time."

"So den, we are all frolicking and jumping around in dat lake men, and we are little ‘tight'."

"‘Tight', what's ‘tight'?"

"Tipsy, like… Old Monk we are having, no? In our group dere is one ‘ungli' master, Chacko is his name, he tells to me, ‘Hey Lobo da… I challenge you to go totally naked and pose! I dare you, Ranvir Singh jaisa!"'

"Den everybuddy starts, dat whachyoucll chanting, ‘Lobo Lobo nangoo pangoo'!

See men, when someone challenges me, I toh go for it, bindaas. So dere and den in de middle of dis lake. I took off my shorts. and I lay down n de grass…"

"And you were fully starkers?"

"What is meaning of ‘starkers' men?"

"Uhm naked, nude… in the flesh!"

"Yes I was fully… like de same pose as dat, my hero.

Every buddy was shooting pics on dere phone cameras. Den we returned back to Mumbai, and widout checking wid me, two tree of dose rascals posted my naked photos on dere personal Instantgram or whatever you call dat ting…"

"Instagram."

"Yes dat oni… Instantgram, den de problems began men!"

"What sort of problems?" I asked.

"See my dese nangoo-pangoo photos of me spread like wild fire… arey many many foolish peepuls and organisations have made objections! Fust came one complaint dat I have hurt de sentiments of some woman's organisations."

"What is their complaint?"

"Dat I have insulted de modesty of ladies in dere NGO. Den some lawyer lady in Virar oni has filed an FIR in de poliss station!"

"What's the charges levelled against you?"

"Dis lady is saying dat she could see my ‘bum'. When I met dat main inspector, he is my frennd oni, we are part of same Laughter Club…he aksed me: ‘Hey Lobo… sanga mala, this ‘bum'… what it is ‘bum'?"

"So when I explained, to him dat ‘bum' means ‘backside' he started laughing louder."

"Den in my building oni, dere is one number ‘hulkut' Chidambara Pulkit, he is pissed off becoz I am building secretary and he isn't. He has ‘ungli maroed' one NGO in Bhayandar who are donating clodes to me. Can you believe dey actually have a box, where peepuls are donating clodes to me!"

"Oops that's a bit embarrassing."

"No no Dikuna, I don't mind, dey gave some nice nice outfits purchased from outside Virar station, Zarah and Pierre Cardeen and Levees."

"I'm sorry to hear all this, Lobo Lobo. I think it's rather foolish…cannot believe that people are getting offended!"

"Arrey Dikuna men, I am not taking tension, I'm registering a counter FIR against all dese pepuls men!"

"An FIR… a First Information Report?"

"No men, FIR…dats Fools Idiots Retards!," Lobo Lobo concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com