Nats and Miss Universe

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Glossary of terms
1. (Eye roll): suggesting, ‘Dude duh' or ‘Dude, really?' or ‘Whatever/whateves'

2. (Double eye roll): First one eyebrow then the other suggesting extreme ‘Duh dude' or ‘Which planet are you from? Neptune?'

3. (Raised eyebrows, Owl eyes): ‘Do you get the gravity of what I'm saying?'

4. Frustruck: Frustration + Dumbstruck

5. Joan of Arcism: a clenched fist thumping down on a hard wooden surface

Natasha aka Nats, my next door neighbour, was ‘Frustruck'.
"Sup Nats... all okay?" I asked, concerned.
"Rahul bruh, it's so ‘obvio' that I'm not okay?
(Eye roll)
"Okay, okay, I get the point that you're pissed off, what's happened?"

"Nothing's happened, bruh... nothing... but the ‘feminist' avatar in me has been awakened by recent events!" (Joan of Arcism)

"What you pissed off about? What has awakened the ‘Germaine Greer' in you?"

"Who's this Germaime Greer person you refer to?"

"Germaine Greer was a feminist in the '70s.... (eye roll) ... Forget it Nats, moving on... what has awakened the ‘feminist' in you?"

"Dude... this whole Miss Universe nonsense upsets me no end!" (Double eye roll)

"Come on Nats, as an Indian woman you should be celebrating, rejoicing Harnaaz Sandhu's victory, she is a rockstar, Chak de phatte, gotta appreciate that she's the first Indian who's won a Miss Universe in 21 years!"

"It's all poppycock, dude Rahul... the whole notion of Miss Universe, Miss World, Miss Asia Pacific, Miss this and Miss that... all these beauty pageants... oooof, let me outta here!"

"Wow that's quite radical... what's your problem with them... we've had quite a few winners, Lara, Aishwarya, Sushmita..."

"I don't care, Rangana Cannot could be Miss Oshiwara for all I care, I'm just anti these beauty pageants on principle yo!" (Frustruck) "They're so dumb and demeaning for women... it's like all we are is to be reduced to beaming dolls with a crown and no brain! Fully intensifying the myth that women are only to be judged as objects of beauty."

"Hang on, hang on... But the contestants are asked some tough questions in the final round?"

"Aw come on, dude, and their answers are so rehearsed! Rahul bruh, all I'm saying is if you're going to continue with these ‘beauty parades' then can we add some ‘brain power' into the proceedings."

"So what are you suggesting?" I asked

"I want a huge intellectual component included, a political aspect, general knowledge, history, current affairs, race issues, Indian politics, international politics... I wanna know what these women think about the repealing of the farm laws, about Leftist politics... about Lenin and Lennon... the Peter Jackson ‘Get Back' documentary! Ganguly vs Kohli."

Natasha aka Nats took a smoke break (meaning, a moment for the smoke coming out of her ears to extinguish).

"Bruh... man... look around you... at the times we live in, just take last week, see where women have reached dude... against all odds Gita Gopinath is the Chief Economist of the International Monetary Fund, Leena Nair from Unilever... boom, she's Global CEO of Chanel man! (Raised eyebrows, Owl eyes) Neena Gupta, not the actress, is this wiz mathematician who's won this big ass prize, bruh women and maths aren't meant to be compatible, right?"
(Pause)

"Rahul uncle, a woman has become Police Commissioner of New York city, the first ever, capeesh? What a concept dude, Keeshant Sewell has taken over a man's job and will now lead the US' largest force of cops, she will fight crime, while she copes with prejudice. And we still have these events where women parade around in bathing suits and evening gowns... lemme outta here!" (Triple eye roll)

"Bruh, look I don't wanna mess with tradition, wear your swim suits so the world can swoon, but add a new title I say, a beauty meets brain pageant!"

"What would you call it?" I enquired

"Miss Mastermind," Nats concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com