Silver and gold

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Several Indian film directors were sitting around a table.

Vidhu Vinod Chopra turned to Ramesh Sippy, ‘Sippy saab, as the senior most here, how do you see the film?"

Ramesh Sippy opened his bound script.

"Okay my friends, this is what happens before the opening credits roll - there are thunderclouds and lightning swirling over a temple and a mosque, both these places of worship are housed on a plot of land between India and Pakistan. A lady rushes towards the temple with two new born babies in her arms, she is drenched, she is desperate - as she is about to place the children down…"

"Sir, may I predict, one baby grows up to be a police inspector and the other becomes smuggler," another director said.

"Wow, how did you guess?" Ramesh Sippy asked.

"And on the screen splashes the film title - Nadeem Neeraj?" (Ramesh Sippy nodded).

Karan Johar, raised his hand, "I'd like to take Sippy saab's idea forward and make a more Dharma Pictures type film - the first mother has one son and a second mother comes from the opposite side, with another son, and they swap babies - they both say, we are mothers after all, what difference does it make which son we raise, we are both from Punjab, what difference which country?"

"And the title, I'm guessing, is Kabhi Neeraj Kabhi Nadeem," suggested Farah Khan.

Hansal Mehta said, "My fellow filmmakers, what if we have a scenario where twenty years later, Nadeem wins a gold medal and Neeraj a silver medal, and Nadeem's original mother is red with jealousy, ‘Why did I exchange my son?' she says, "Second best is no good for me."

"What genre of film are you seeing, a crime thriller, a neo noir crime thriller, a family drama, a historical drama, a murder mystery?"

Zoya Akhtar chimed in, "How about a bromance, Zindagi na Milega Dobara Paris mein?"

SS Rajamouli announced, "I'm making a mythological drama, in Tamil and Hindi, called ‘Two Ammas' - two powerful ladies wear silver and gold medals around their necks, if they press the medals, it gives off a signal to command their armies to battle, what they don't realise is that their sons are going to war against each other."

Anurag Kashyap, put his hand up, "I have a similar theme, yours is glamorous, large scale, Rajamouli sir while mine is gritty - my movie is ‘Godmothers Of Wasseypur--Nadeem's mother is the leader of one gang in Wasseypur and Neeraj's mother is the gang of the other."

Imtiaz Ali interjected - "Listen, may I cut to the chase, my film begins at a station in modern day Punjab, two men carrying javelins jump into the same compartment - the movie is called ‘Jav We Met'."

Vishal Bhardwaj said, "I have adapted Macbeth, Othello and Hamlet to the screen, I am contemplating a remake of any mistaken identity comedy of Shakespeare."

"Calm down everyone," said Sanjay Leela Bhansali, "I'd like to unveil my new offering ‘Sonamandi'… this is a sequel to Heeramandi, a period piece, set in the 1800s, in what is now modern Kolkata, there was a fictitious district, these women were courtesans by day, by night, they were spear bearers, they were a vigilante group - by night they went after molesters and rapists."

Farhan Akhtar said, "This is getting too serious, I have a tried and tested formula for sports biopics, why not cast me as our star javelin thrower and call it ‘Phenk Neeraj Phenk."

"Why not just get your dad and Salim Khan to write a new docu series called ‘Angry Young Javelin Throwers'?" someone suggested.

Raju Hirani looked heavenwards with a sigh and said cynically, "If I may say, everything is failing at the box office except two things, Rajkummar Rao and ghost stories--just make Stree 3 with Rajkummar Rao as a ghost who haunts a village in Lahore."

And then Shah Rukh Khan walked in, "Gentlemen I have a story, an old-time javelin coach is hired to train a team of Indian javelin throwers, to bring back the gold from Pakistan."

"What's the film called," the group asked him.

"Chuck de, India," SRK concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com