Six Feet Anonymous

Illustration/Uday Mohite

The Hug and the Handshake came together to begin a support group called Six Feet Anonymous.

Present at the first meeting and sitting in a circle, were two distinct groups-the Be Your Own Body (BYOB), comprising Mr Hug, Mr Embrace, Miss Cuddle and all their variations. And, the Arm Aadmi Pack (AAP) consisting of Shri Handshake and all the sub genres, like Shri Sweaty Palms, Shri Bonecrusher and Kumari Limp Handshake.

Mr Hug spoke first.

"Friends and fellow sufferers, these are tough times with this pandemic. This ‘keeping six feet distance' rule has killed our livelihood. People aren't hugging, barely touching, and, even in Mumbai city, where everyone flouts rules, the ‘aa gale lag ja' has gone out of the window!"

"Yes!" agreed Mr Embrace, heaving uncontrollably, "Mr Hug and I are badly off, but it is our adopted brother, Bear Hug, who has it the worst."

"Yes. I'm suffering. No one's hugging tightly," Bear Hug whispered.

The Side Hug, looking through his beedy eyes, muttered sneeringly, "Hey man, Bear Hug, forget the self-pity, if you're so desperate for affection, just hug yourself, dude!"

Miss Cuddle snapped at him, "You're so alpha male, you sidey Side Hug. Typical of your male species, no emotion, these half-cocked, non full-on, non front-on huggers. Too macho to show real feeling, unlike us women."

The Handshake Brigade sat quietly, pissed off but silent, listening to their touchy-feeley brethren.

Mr Hug sensing this negative energy, asked his ally, "Bro Handshake, apologies. What are your major hurdles, please we'd love to hear from you?"

The Handshake, breathing fire and brimstone, snarled, "Our Enemy Number 1. is that damn Fist Bump, with his ridiculously cocky knuckle to knuckle gesture. He struts around, shows off his own Insta page called #FistToLast, he has 20 million followers on his YouTube Channel. His knuckle to knuckle movement irritates me, it's so impersonal and workman-like, I hate his guts."

Miss Cuddle, blushed, "I'm sorry, sir, I find Fist Bump kinda cool for us young people. That knuckle bump, it's friendly without being familiar, and it's so hip. A fist bump is so ‘Yeah dude, this is our secret language!' For us young women, it's sexy too."

At this point, 'Creep' Sleazy Feel-up, crept into the room, all the females leapt to one side, en masse.

"Ah here he is, the black mark of our community," The Bonecrusher announced.

"Where have you been?" his aunt, Miss Limp Handshake enquired.

Sleazy Feel-up complained, "Man, with this nonsense six-foot distance rule, one can't sidle up close to ‘feel up' women'. Plus, with the local trains still not plying, how much waiting will I have to do, my hands have been so idle."

"You are a disgrace to our family," Sweaty Palms said accusingly.

"Ya right, man with those sweaty clammy palms of yours, have you noticed people don't shake your hands?" Sleazy Feel-up shot back.

"I don't know where this anger comes from, did you have a tough childhood? Your mom never hugged you enough, that's why you ‘feel up' unsuspecting women in trains to vent your frustrations?" Sweaty Palms, retorted.

"Think we need to chill, guys and gals!" the Hug and the Handshake said in unison.

The room went silent, as both sets of groups contemplated their bleak futures.

And then a new group came in through the door and sat down.

"Who are you folks?" the Handshake asked.

"We're COVID," the leader said.

"COVID, as in obviously Corona Virus Disease?" the Hug enquired.

"No, COVID, as in Coping with Vulnerability Isolation & Depression."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com