'I had suicidal thoughts, felt like jumping off my balcony'

Robin Uthappa

Indian cricketer Robin Uthappa has revealed that he suffered from depression and had suicidal thoughts on a daily basis between 2009 and 2011.

Uthappa made his India debut in 2006 against England and has till now played 46 ODIs and 13 T20Is.

"When I made my debut in 2006, I wasn't overtly aware of myself. A lot of learning and development has happened since then. Right now, I am extremely aware of myself and really clear on my thoughts and myself. It's easier for me to catch myself now if I'm slipping somewhere in someplace," Uthappa said while while speaking in the second session of 'Mind, Body and Soul', a platform brought forward by The Royal Rajasthan Foundation, in association with NS Vahia Foundation & McLean Hospital (Harvard Medical School Affiliate).

"I feel I 've reached this place because I've gone through those tough phases wherein, I was clinically depressed and had suicidal thoughts. I remember around 2009 to 2011, it was constant and I would deal with that on a daily basis.

"There were times where I wasn't even thinking about cricket, it was probably the farthest thing in my mind. I was thinking about how I would survive this day and move on to the next, what's happening to my life and in which direction am I heading.

"Cricket kept my mind off of these thoughts but it became really difficult on non-match days and during the offseason. On days I would just be sitting there and would think to myself on the count of three, I'm going to run and jump off of the balcony but something kind of just held me back.

"That is when I started noting this down about myself in a diary and started the process of just understanding myself as a person. I then started to seek outside help to make those changes I wanted to make in my life," he added.

The Rajasthan Royals batsman further said he has no regrets in his life with the experiences he has had.

"I feel sometimes being negative is necessary. I'm someone who believes in the balance of life and I believe one cannot at all times be positive in life. Being negative or having negative experiences, going through trials and tribulations is sometimes necessary for one's own growth," Uthappa said.

"For me, all my experiences have moulded me into the person I am today and I have no regrets on my negative experience as they've helped me develop positively.

"You need to go through the lulls to make you feel ecstatic about the positives. I feel life is about balance and we can't have it one way, a lopsided life is not going to be great, both negative and positive experiences are essential," the 34-year-old added.

During the session, he was joined by John Gloster, Adriana Bobinchock and Akanksha Rathi Maheshwari for a conversation around the power of positivity and kindness, and how they can be our strongest weapons in these trying times.

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