When you love a serial dater

Architect Kovil Mandaivya, 28, had been in eight relationships before he married Ayushi, 23, a homeopath, who has never dated seriously before this

Architect Viraj Thakur and his girlfriend, writer Anokhi Saxena, have made a "list of firsts". It includes baking a cake together, enjoying the debut Netflix bingeing session, attending design retreats and giving each other a head massage. Why this was necessary was because before this relationship, 25-year-old Thakur had been in six romantic engagements, all of them lasting one year. He started dating at 17, and never stopped. Their "list of firsts" is an exercise to acknowledge the many things the couple is doing together that he didn't with his previous loves. "Initially, I was facing a problem. I'd wonder and enquire whether he had shared these experiences with the women before me. But then I realised I had to let it rest. On the other hand, I've had only one serious relationship and that bothers Viraj. So,we both had to decide to let go," says Saxena, 26. But, she also says that she feels, thanks to his previous relationships, Thakur is mature for his age.

He agrees with that point of view, when he says that multiple relationships mentally prepare you for loving yourself, and someone else. "I had started feeling that I wasn't capable of loving someone for long. ‘I wondered, will I ever get married? I am in a more relaxed space now." That means that neither is he seeing other women, nor does he feel compelled to hide from Anokhi. "It's only been six months, but like our list of firsts, I can firmly say, I have never had six months with anyone like I've had with her. I don't find myself lying, which I used to all the time. I don't wish to experience the stress of getting caught. I rather she doesn't talk to me for a bit [after hearing the truth] than lie to her."

Ranbir Kapoor, who has been in a steady relationship with Alia Bhatt for around three years, has admitted to having been in relationships most of his adult life

Dating or marrying a serial dater can be hard. The personality is usually seen as commitment phobic, flippant, indecisive and therefore, problematic. They could move on from you as easily as they did from the last. And the one before that. And before that. The baggage of experiences they bring can often overwhelm the less experienced one. Bollywood has its share of serial daters, who decided to finally settle for one. Ranbir Kapoor, who in an interview during mid-day's celebrity chat series Sit With Hitlist, discussed being in love before, and his current relationship with actress Alia Bhatt, whom he has been dating for the last three years, with news that the two will soon marry. "See the thing is… love, relationship, companionship, and to find it repeatedly is very rare. When you isolate yourself so much, from the world, from people, you tend to find that one person, who you kind of devote to, or direct your feeling and emotion towards because it comforts you, it shelters you. In a way it makes your life easy. That one person sometimes comes in the form of friendship. In my life it has come in form of a partner," he had said. Kapoor has in the past had serious relationships with actresses Katrina Kaif and Deepika Padukone.

In an interview to the New York Times, psychologist Paulette Sherman, author of Dating From the Inside Out, had said, serial daters "often love the chase but don't commit." "They're basically addicted to the romance of early dating, but they get bored easily and move on." To be a partner to a serial dater requires maturity to be able to make peace with the past and get on with the belief that everyone grows, and changes for the better. Television and film actor Karan Singh Grover, who is married to actress Bipasha Basu, had in an interview to this writer a year ago, mused about his evolution as a partner and human being. "I was a very different person 10 years ago. You can only understand [the change] when you are privy to feeling some kind of high emotion, like love or happiness. I don't connect with the person I used to be."

Karan Singh Grover, who got married to Bipasha Basu after being married twice before, had told mid-day in 2020 that he didn't connect with the person he used to be, and time with Bipasha had changed things

Architect Kovil Mandaviya is married to homeopath Ayushi, 23. It's been just three months of official togetherness for the couple, who are polar opposites in their approach to love. Ayushi says she has never been in a relationship before this one, while Kovil, 28, has been in eight relationships. "All my friends tell me, ‘arrey, he has dated so many'. But I say, I am happy that he has. He knows how to behave in a relationship," she laughs. She does agree that sometimes it gets tricky when she realises it's an experience that's a first for her. Her remedy - she reminds herself of all the good things about her partner. Mandaivya, on the other hand, was surprised when he met her, and found himself revealing himself honestly to her. "She admired my honesty, and would ask me to tell her more. I'd share funny stories about my past, and we'd laugh. She is a listener."

Psychologist Hvovi Bhagwagar prefers for suggest that partners exercise caution before taking the plunge. "Cultural context moulds women to play the lead role in ‘Beauty and the Beast'. And much like Beauty, whose love converted beast into Prince, they too believe that they can convert a serial dater into a committed partner. While this may or not happen, the fact is that many women enter relationships with a power imbalance, constantly trying to keep the partner interested. This insecurity needs to be worked on, if the relationship is to be a healthy one." But she clarifies that the myth that a serial dater cannot be a committed partner is questionable. "A lot depends on the reasons for the serial dating. It could have been an escape from forcible marriage alliances, a way to overcome dating anxiety, among other reasons. As long as both partners work on their individual insecurities, any partnership can work and be a fulfilling one."

Advertising professional Payal Shah agrees. She got married last year after she and her partner were stuck together during the pandemic lockdown. "It wouldn't have happened otherwise." The serial dater, now, much like her husband, says that she is happy they both had their share of dating before they met. "It helps you realise what you want and don't want. It also offers you a deeper look into human behaviour. "I am able to identify behaviour and mood patterns, and that in the end, helps you save time."

'Some names have been withheld on request.