#Couplegoals: What are the essentials of a happy and safe long-term relationship?

"While dullness seeps in sometimes, the joy is always there. Maybe, it's about comfort. When I am with my partner, I know I don't stress; there's peace and most importantly, a feeling of belongingness," says Puja Shah, who celebrated the tenth year of her relationship with her partner in November 2021.

Shah, a 24-year-old city-based financial analyst, started dating her partner, a senior from school, when she was in Class 9. From lovestruck teenagers who initially indulged in childish fights - a pitfall of their tender age - Shah says they have grown up to be two independent individuals who do not shy away from discussing and working towards their short term goals and careers with greater maturity.

For Suparna Chatterjee, who has been with her partner for over nine years, their relationship has strengthened their friendship over time, which has further helped in enhancing their trust for each other and bringing them closer. "We have grown as individuals and within our relationship as well. In the last 4-5 years, we have become more stable and learnt to respect each other's choices and space," says the 26-year-old interdisciplinary researcher from Ranchi.

How do people manage to stay with or date one person for years? At a time when young individuals are riddled with uncertainties and insecurities, which deepen with issues at the family, societal, national and global levels, dating and relationship choices often reflect these unspoken fears. The constant struggle between the urge to live independently in all spheres and to be dependent on a partner for love, care and healing adds to the dilemma of whether or not to indulge in someone for a long time. What if they change? Are we compatible enough? What if I become too dependent? What if I lose my space and identity as an individual? These are just some of the many questions that often affect one's view of long-term love.

From growing fond of a person to the need for intimacy, which as defined by expert and intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal can be "physical, emotional and spiritual", navigating the path to a satisfying relationship can be challenging. To understand these dynamics, Mid-day Online spoke to young adults, who share how they deal with the challenges of companionship and continue to experience joy and freedom in a relationship, which continues to thrills them.

Did the spark fade off?

There's a general perception that with time, a certain amount of dullness seeps into a relationship, which sucks out the charm or excitement for a couple. Experts say having different approaches towards life; personal expectations, career goals, visions, schedules and commitments tend to become major problems in long term relationships, which if not addressed, can lead to constant conflicts, thus, making things worse.

If I can't breathe in a relationship, I'd never be in it for this long, and wouldn't imagine a future. Both of us have individual worlds where we do things we like.

While Shah agrees that things can be dull sometimes, Chatterjee says it also depends on what you expect from a relationship and that love, affection as well as vulnerability are factors that liven up the charm. Growing through some of the uglier fights in the initial years, which mainly arose out of expectations and insecurities, the couples agree on things getting way better with time.

"I have a lot of expectations, but now I have learnt to ground them to realities these days such as being okay with late responses. So I have grown as a person and it is also about getting to know the person better and how they would react to certain situations," says Chatterjee.

For Shah and her partner, who ended up taking a few breaks initially, ego clashes and excessive expectations in terms of meet-ups and responses also made things tough.

According to Ajeeta Mulye, senior psychologist at Mpower-the Foundation, one should not aim for perfection and instead pursue flexibility. "Know that everyone brings with them their own strengths and weaknesses in a relationship. Hence identify them and work out keeping it a balance. Eg; if one partner is good in managing finances and the other is impulsive with it then let the person who manages finances better take finance-related responsibilities," she adds.

Hrushikesh Zanzote, a 24-year-old sales professional from Mumbai, says it's the trust factor that helped him allay his fears and insecurities in the relationship. As someone who has been with his partner for over nine years despite multiple conflicts, he contends that expectations were the core cause of rough patches.

"Expectations do cause a lot of problems sometimes, but that also conveys a lot about how much we mean to each other. If we aren't able to fulfill some of them, we ensure we make up for it and do not let the excitement fade away. And I am someone who does not dwell in my insecurities or conflicts," he says.

Allowing each other the space to live as independent individuals is another major recurring point that appears to enhance Shah, Chatterjee and Zanzote's relationships. The space to breathe, have healthy discussions without being judged and to be able to have fun individually as well, are some of the experiences that the couples mutually share.

"If I can't breathe in a relationship, I'd never be in it for this long, and wouldn't imagine a future. Both of us have individual worlds where we do things we like. While we have lots of common interests, hobbies and things to do together, we also have and do fun things where the other person is not involved," says Chatterjee.

Mulye also suggests setting aside personal time and having healthy boundaries, although difficult, helps bring sanity and emotional stability to the partners. Having some time together irrespective of hectic and busy routines to rekindle the love and to reconnect with partners is essential too.

‘Communication is the key'

There are no magic potions or extraordinary factors that bring peace and contentment in a relationship. As long-term partners reveal, ‘a will to communicate respectfully and a little bit of compromise' goes a long way in avoiding harsh confrontations.

"It may sound clichéd, but talking things out helps a lot. My partner needs a little bit of coaxing to speak up at some instances, but we make sure we resolve things as and when they arise," says Chatterjee, who also stresses upon respecting each other as individuals is most fundamental to resolving fights or otherwise.

According to Mulye, shutting out or ignoring the partner can do more long term damage to the relationship. Communicating about issues, expectations, needs and intimacy helps partners to identify what works out for both of them and helps in easing the decision making process. Mulye suggests partners must use affirmations, observe their significant others and appreciate small positive gestures, efforts made by them, which rekindles the subdued love and affection.

For Shah and her partner, going quiet is not an option. These days, they mutually prefer not to sit on apprehensions and irking matters for more than a day. With after work discussions, the air is cleared and lessons are learnt.

"I don't think we have ever stopped communicating. With a little argument, which also includes a little research on the internet, one of us agrees to compromise with their decisions, plans, etc. Sometimes, we even let go of things. So, it's a balanced approach from both sides," says Shah.

Mulye adds that getting into a blame game and taking decisions when angry is never a positive approach. When found to be at fault, saying sorry rather than holding onto your ego is necessary.

"Resolve and end the matter there by letting go rather than picking at it or old matters while arguing over new ones. Talking when both partners are receptive and calmed down will save a lot of room for guilt and prevent conflicts," advices Mulye.

Intimacy, physical and emotional

"Whenever I face issues at home or I feel I am suffering from something, I address it with my partner first. That's one of my favourite moments when I listen to her. I feel like I have someone who understands. I think this is why emotional intimacy becomes more important," says Zanzote.

While physical intimacy is an inseparable and important aspect of a healthy relationship, Zanzote and Chatterjee stress on the importance of emotional intimacy between the partners. With longer time spent together, the couples have also seen their need for intimacy evolve into different aspects. For Shah, physical intimacy does not greatly contribute to their relationship and is often a matter of flexibility.

When asked about the role of physical pleasure in strengthening relationships, Barnwal says, "Sex is an attachment bond, meaning evolutionary human beings have sex as a social bonding behavior. When sex goes out of the window, so does the romance and romance is an indispensable part of the relationship."

However, she describes intimacy as a layered and fluid concept, which cannot be seen in extreme binaries. While physical intimacy is about the touch and feel of your partner, at an emotional and spiritual level it is about the friendship, trust between the two partners and the vision of the relationship you hold. According to her, intimacy does not stand in silos and exists very well in between the daily chaos, mundanity of life too, where couples need to make a conscious effort to sustain intimacy by doing things that count.

We have come this long, because we still derive happiness from our relationship. Love and relationship for me is like a continuum.

Similar to Barnwal's explanation, Chatterjee shares that for her, intimacy encompasses multiple things - physical intimacy, sharing the same space, waking up together, exchanging thoughts and ideas, connecting on multiple levels. "I think my partner and I don't function in isolation. While we both have our own worlds, we share things that help create a personal connection to each other. For me the relationship cannot function without different forms of intimacy existing between two people," she adds.

The joy of comfort and stability

In Mulye's words, a long term relationship is like a long term honeymoon phase with a lot of excitement, but every phase has its ending too or rather every phase fades and changes with time. However, this is something very normal and does not indicate that the end is nearing.

"It just means that now both of you are comfortable, feel secure and stable with each other- this is also a very important phase of the relationship. But yes it's very important to discuss and explore with your partner the reasons for the spark and excitement reducing with time," she adds.

Exploring innovative ideas to connect with each other such as watching a movie, going for morning walks, treks, taking cycling trips, writing for each other, sharing household chores and other responsibilities are just some of the many ways to keep up the levels of excitement.

For Shah, though going with the flow is a mantra they follow, marriage is surely something they envision beyond the comfort and joy they share at present. "I think it's because we know each other in and out and we feel set with each other. There's stability and future, perpetual growth for both of us in this relationship. I am at my comfort and we both are ready to wait even if it takes time," she says.

Chatterjee says though they do not fear commitment and the idea of a formal lifetime civil partnership, marriage is not the end goal for them.

"Both of us already feel quite married to be frank, we take financial decisions together, share household chores and are raising a dog together. We have come this long, because we still derive happiness from our relationship. For me, my current state and conduct matters more than the time factor of the relationship. Love and relationship for me is like a continuum," she says.