Lobo Lobo gets the clap

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over looking frazzled.

"Lobo Lobo how are you?" I asked slightly concerned.

"HUH. WOT? SPEAK LOUDER DIKUNA MEN," he yelled.

"Why are you shouting? Even when there is very little social distance between us?"

"Arre men, after last Sunday, every duffer and his uncle banging dose steel utensils, such a ruckus, my hearing is partially gone chhe!" he shouted.

"You have temporary deafness, Lobo Lobo. Chill no worries!"

"I'll tell to you one secret, men Dikuna. I'm little bit pretending so I don't need to listen to de 'kitpit' of my mudder-in-law, Hyacinth, mad she is. Makes Red Riding Hood's wolf seem like Snow White, chhe."

"Tell me Lobo Lobo, how did you manage to evade the curfew…there's a city lockdown till the 15th."

"Arre men, my brudder-in-law Galahad is a doctor at Tulip Memorial Centre, Virar, so I borrowed an ambulance for a day, to come see you men."

"That is touching! So how did you show your support to the healthcare workers last Sunday?"

"Dikuna men, I live in a 480 sq ft carpet area flat in Virar men, along wid my better half Myrtle, my duffer son Ronaldo, my Insta obsessed anorexic daughter Cinderella and Myrtle's cuckoo mudder. To be house-bound, wid dese kind of inmates, is being on lockdown 24/7 even before dis virus came!"

"Can we stay with my question...," I emphasised.

"Sorry men! So anyway, last Sunday, my neighbour Taqdeer Aslam - he's as tall as de first floor - he's a Bhendi Bazaar caterer men, makes big big portions of chicken/mutton biryani. He tells to me, 'Lobo bhai, raviwar paanch baje, hum taaliyan saath karenge, tumhara makaan…' It was not a question, but a statement. So he shows up at my home with two of his tree wives, Sajeda and Tabassum, five kids, Akhtar, Abid, Akbar, Altaf and Mehbooba, carrying two of dose huge empty 'handis' in which you serve five-five kilos of biryani. Den at 5 pm sharp he started banging dem togedder. Oh fo men, at essactly de same time, my cuckoo wife, Myrtle, she tinks dat de idea of banging pots and pans was to scare away de evil, so she's running around de house, banging two utensils, shouting, 'Get away you devilish virus… chalo shoooo shoooo get away… out out… go to hell, out out get out of my house.' So, between Taqdeer, Myrtle and Ronaldo giving dem accompaniment on de Casio, my house was sounding like Bappi Lahiri's orchestra!"

"Den men, de whole street tought dat Ganesh Chaturti has come early, so all of dem, are walking in de galli, banging all types of stainless steel taalis."
"Thalis," I corrected Lobo Lobo.

"Wot are you? My Hindi teacher? Chalo, men, I have to return de ambulance plus buy supplies, stock up for de next tree weeks… mutton, pork, prawns, fish and many chickens."

"No vegetables and fruits, Lobo Lobo?" I attempted.

"Of course, veggies. Mad o wot, Dikuna men? Lots and lots of potatoes for Myrtle's Chicken cafreal and tomatoes for her pork vindaloo!"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com

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