Lobo Lobo the celebrity

Illustration/Uday Mohite

So, my cable guy Lobo Lobo came to my house the other day, dressed a little bit like Ranveer Singh.

"Hey men Dikuna, so wot you tink about all dese starry marriages, celebrity couples joining dere names and all, men?"

"Uh, what do you mean, uhm, Lobo Lobo?" I asked perplexed.

"Arrey men! Dat Pitt fellow and dat lady, his wife, who adopts many many kids, whachyouall... haan Jolie! Yes...dey are 'Brangelina'. Dey began de trend of joint names."

"Ah you mean…," I began.

"See men! Sometimes de names lend themselves to dis combining, just like makkhan it becomes. Take cricket captain Virat Kohli and Anushka. Togeder dey are 'Virushka'. Now dat is cool. Den last week dere was Ranveer and Deepika getting hitched. I tink 'DeepVeer' as a name was thoda forced. But de most recent one, for Priyanka Chopra and dat rapper fellow Nick Jonas, dey are 'shaadiying' tomorrow, and dey are being collectively named 'Prick'. I mean, is dat even a name, 'Prick'? Just imagine, people asking, 'Hey have you received an invite for 'Prick's' wedding?' Crazy men! Bad taste if you ask me."

"What would you name them? 'PriyAs'? or 'PeeCeeAs'? Or 'NickPee'... all are equally rude, na?"

"Arrrey men! I wouldn't have named dem only! In my view, bot de peepul concerned should be equally famous to deserve dis, no? Our Priyanka is a world class actress men. Dis Jonas bugger, who he's men? On de udder hand, some Bollywood couples are not named only - like why don't de media combine Ranbir and Alia Bhatt, aren't dey a top Bollywood couple?"

"Because if you combine Ranbir and Alia, that will become a cricket term - 'RanLia' like 'Maine ek run liya," I joked. Lobo Lobo was not smiling.

I continued in a lighter vein, "If Ms Zinta was still seeing Wadia Jr, they would be 'PreityNess'".

"Or, if there is a couple where the child is equally famous, say like dat cutie pie son of Saif and Kareena, Taimur... they should jointly be 'SaiUrEena. Or Saif's parents could have been 'PatGore' or 'Sharaudi'. Or Kareena's folks, Randhir and Babita would be 'RabBab' or 'Baboor' Arjun Kapoor and Malaika Arora can be 'MalaiJun'."

Lobo Lobo was quiet.

"Anyway, Theo…please cut to the chase, why are you so interested in this name joining business?"

"Because I want your help in joining my wife and my names," Lobo Lobo blurted.

I was momentarily gobsmacked.

Lobo continued, "In Virar, my Myrtle and I are celebrities, men! See, I once tolded you, I am de Carrom King for so many donkey years, and de missus has won Housie, in our Virar Sports Club, six years in a row, men. So, we want to link our two names. I'm Thelonious Lobo and she is Myrtle Castelino-Lobo. So suggest sumting men."

"Okay let's see..," I thought, keeping an absolutely straight face.

"I got it, the perfect name, how about we call you two 'LoboTle'."

"Are you serious men?" Lobo asked.

"I am indeed!"

"No men, Dikuna, 'LoboTle', sounds like a laxative."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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