Lobo, lord of the onion rings

Illustration/Uday Mohite

LOBO Lobo came over, his hair gelled down, carrying a large suitcase.

"Dikuna men senor, buena sera, I am making offerings to de country dat dey cannot refuse, eh capeesh?" he announced proudly, but his speech was decidedly unclear.

"Excuse me Lobo Lobo, your garbled speech seems like Marlon Brando, in The Godfather - you know he stuffed cotton wool in his mouth, when he auditioned for the role, right? Is there uhm, something in your mouth?"

"Yes senor Rahul, hombre, I have two onions in dere! And I want you to kindly refer to me as Lord Lobo, capeesh?"

"Okay uhm Lord Lobo. Tell me, why do you have two onions in your mouth ?", I asked, unable to figure why my cable guy was talking like a cross between characters from The Irishman, Narcos and The Crown.

"Because, meu amigo, I am the Godfather of Onions, the Prince of Pyaaz, the King of Kaanda. In short, I know my onions, got it or wot, capeesh?" chortled Lord Lobo, laughing at his own joke.

"But, why do you have the get-up and attitude that's a combo of a Mexican druglord and a mafia boss? Please give me the backstory," I requested a tad nervous. "Are you no more my cable TV repair man?"

"See Dikuna men, senor, let me start de top. Today's young peepuls, aren't espying cable TV anymore… it's all Netflix and Hotstar - so I decided to change professions. I den made my cable TV boss an offer he couldn't refuse, capeesh?"

"Oh my God, Lord Lobo, have you cut him up into pieces and stuffed him in that suitcase"

"No men, chiquito. You saw dat show, Breaking Bad na men? Dat guy was growing..."

I interrupted, shocked, "You're not planning to grow weed in your backyard, are you Lord Lobo?"

"No no no senor, not drugs men! I have decided to grow onions in my garden. You see at R200 a kilo, I tought to myself, it's a profitable business to venture into. Dere are sugar barons in Baramati, so why not become de onion king of Virar," Lord Lobo said, puffing on a Cuban cigar. "In fact, as a token of my appreciation of our friendship I want to gift you two kilos of onions, " he said, generously handing me the suitcase.

"Okay Lord Lobo... Thanks for this advance Xmas gift, are there only onions inside?"

"Dikuna men, idiota, dere are onions, garlic and avocados."

Lord Lobo Lobo then got up to leave.

"Okay Dikuna, buon amico, I have to say good bye men. Lady Myrtle and the kids are waiting outside in our Uber. We are leaving because of CAB!"

My heart sank.

"Oh no Lord Lobo, are you a victim of the Citizenship Amendment Bill? Do you not have your appropriate papers... maybe I can help."

"Dikuna men, senor, non preoccuparti, all our papers are fine. Like all Catholics at this time we are going to CAB. That's 'Calangute Anjuna Baga'! Ciao men senor, capeesh?"

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