Rahul da Cunha: Lobo Lobo & Chewing Gumgate

Illustration/Uday Mohite

And so, Lobo Lobo appeared at my doorstep this morning carrying eggs in a brown paper bag. '"Thanks Thelonious, for this lovely gift of eggs on Easter. Thank Myrtle as well.'"

'"No men, Dikuna, dese are not for you! Dose blighters have banned plastic bags men, chhe, solid inconvenient ya! So, have to carry everyting in paper bags.'" '"I'm guessing you didn't come all the way from Virar to talk about the banning of plastic bags in Maharashtra, Lobo Lobo. What's up? You look troubled.'" Lobo Lobo took a deep, sheepish breath and confessed: '"I have been accused of ball tampering, men!'"

'"Huh, what you're kidding, right! Do you even play cricket? Was it with a white ball? A pink ball? Or a red ball?'" '"No men, chhe. It was with a football!'" '"You tampered with a football, Lobo Lobo? Explain to me first of all why were you trying to tamper with a football? I mean, it's not like a football is like a cricket ball, where applying sandpaper makes it reverse swing to fox the batsman. Or, like Shahid Afridi who years ago tried to bite the ball thinking it was an apple. I have never heard of anyone messing with a football to alter the result of a match.'"

'"Dat's not true men. Dat dude Ronaldo regularly applies grease to de ball from his hair, but see men, my problem is different. We have our own football league. I play for a team called the Dishy Dribblers.'"

'"Dishy Dribblers?'" '"Yes men. We are a squad of blokes who are all cable operators, our business is dish antennas. Derefore, 'Dishy'. Clever na?'" '"Yes I got the pun, thanks Thelonious.'" '"Dere are udder teams we play against. De courier fellows have a team called Delivery Devils, de MTNL chappies have a squad called Nigam Night Riders (NNR) and de taxi guys have united to form a team called Kaali Peeli Uber Ola.

'"That's ok, but how and why did you cheat?'" '"I didn't cheat men. See, we were playing against the BMC team, called Brihanmumbai Bombers, so my teammate, Pele Pinto, had kicked de ball out of de ground into an open manhole. So, of course, I went to collect it and noticed dat some chewing gum had stuck to de side of de ball. I was trying to remove it and dey bleddy accused me of tampering with de ball, by adding alien substances. Look at de irony, de BMC fellas accusing me of breaking de law, chhe!'"

'"But how does chewing gum help in altering the result of a soccer game, Lobo Lobo?'" '"Dey claimed dat wid chewing gum, de ball sticks to de boot so you can avoid being tackled and you can just run to de udder side, and put de ball straight into de goal. I have been banned from playing in Arsenal for one year.'" '"Arsenal, UK?'" '"No men chhe. Arsenal Football Ground, Orlem, Malad.'"

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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