CBI vs CBI? No, it's PCBI vs PCBI

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Okay, so this week it's been all about CBI vs CBI, right, dear reader? Reminds me of MAD magazine's comic strip, Spy vs Spy. We are in the middle of CBI probing the CBI situation, as the media calls it.

Two parties within one organisation, going at each other in a heated battle of wits.

But, it's not true - I want to correct all misconceptions.

The CBI has nothing to do with any of this.

You will obviously ask, what CBI stands for?

No, no, it's not Central Bureau of Investigation.

CBI is short form for PCBI, matlab, 'Priyanka Chopra's Beau's (not) Indian'. Got it?

And the second CBI?

No, no, dear reader, even that's not Central Bureau of Investigation, that's also the shortened version of PCBI, which is 'Padukone Chooses Bridegroom (who's) Indian'.

So, you're catching on to my line of thinking, right, dear reader?

This whole Verma vs Asthana is a smokescreen for two shaadis that are competing for attention, both falling on the same day.

PCBI vs PCBI. Dippy Padukone and Ranveer Singh vs Piggy Chops and that Jonas Dude.

So, the problem, is like when, say, Salman's film Bhai Bhai Love is meant to release on Eid, he finds out that SRK's blockbuster, Kuch Kuch Nahin Hota Hai plans to release on the same day. The latter graciously agrees to a Diwali opening.

Rumour has it last month, Piggy Chops was shooting for Quantico and Dippy was prepping for XXX Xander Cage Returns Again, when they both realised that their respective nuptial dates were clashing.

Pee Cee called her foreign beau, Nick Jonas.

"Nick, jaan, we have a problem."

He replied instantly. "Uhh, Pee Cee, my love, my surname is Jonas not Jaan. In fact, it's going to be yours soon: Priyanka Chopra
Jonas. So, it'll be swell if you get it right."

"Uh, Nick, I called you 'jaan'. That's a desi term of endearment. The problem is that our wedding and the Padukone-Singh shaadi falls on the same day!"

Nick gave his fiancée a wooden look - one that conveys sadness, joy, confusion, "look, there's a tornado headed our way" all in the same deadpan way.

"Shall we have our wedding in Texas, your home?" Ms Chopra suggested as a solution.

For the first time, Jonas's eyes belied a hint of panic that seemed to suggest: "Whoa, whoa, if we get married in the US, I'll have to pay the bills. No, no."

So, he replied. "Uh, Pee Cee babe, we should get married in India.

Why don't we request them, DeepVeer, to change the date. Come on, you know Ranveer, he'll definitely agree."

"Okay, okay, I'll have a word." And, so, Priyanka called Ranveer.

"Hey bro, Ranveer. Do you think you could, um, change the date of your shaadi to another one? It's kind of clashing with ours."

Ranveer replied, "Babe you know I would do anything for you, but we fixed the date because it is an auspicious day."

"What is it? Diwali, Christmas, Ram Navami, Prakash Padukone's janamdin, what?"

"No, no, none of those. It's actually Padmavati's birthday."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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