Lobo Lobo and the death penalty

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over looking distraught, dishevelled and clearly underslept.

"Uhmmm, Lobo Lobo, why do you look like something the cat brought in?"

"Don't aks men, Dikuna, jest don't aks, ok, pliss."

"Right, I won't ask you Lobo Lobo, apologies."

"Okay, I'll tell to you, since you aksed… it's all about dat nite."

"Which night!"

"We were wotching de England vs France match men... de qoter finals."

"Yeah it was an exciting encounter."

"So all was going fine. France looked like dey were winning. Till Harry Kane messed up dat blessed penalty."

"Who were you watching the match with?"

"All de FIFA matches na, we all woch togedder, dats all my ex-teamates from my 1980-81 Glaxose footer team."

"Right, you told me, this was your victorious team, you were the captain, right?"

"Yes, men. Dey are my frens men, we have kept in tuch, woching, holidaying, eating, drinking… seeing many of de matches of dis FIFA… all our heroes, Messi Shessi, CR7, Giroud and de baap of baaps, Mhappe."

Lobo Lobo went silent.

"Lobo Lobo… uhm… you're unduly quiet, why so serious?"

"So men, last nite, dere were fie of us main players in dat team - me, our full 7 foot goalie, Taqdeer Aslam, now he's now a Bhendi Bazaar caterer, den dere was our famed forward line up, LGBT, apart from me, Gogol, Banerjee, and Thampi, our Mallu bugger… full magic we were, de Spaniards had dat Tiki Taka formation, you remember, well we had our speshul, ‘Dis way Dat way' moves... dribbling here, dribbling dere, opposition tought dat I was going one way… but phataak se, I bluffed and passed to Thampi… Thampi to Gogol… arrey men we were magic. We claimed de trophy in 1980. We were de toast of de local football world. But 1981, dats a different story."

"Tell me about it."

"So Dikuna men, de booze was flowing, match was too good, France had scored fust trugh dat Tchou fellow and den Giroud. England den pulled one back, match was hotting up. Taqdeer bhai had bought all tasty tangdi kebabs, and de boys Banerjee, saala Chitty Chitty Bong Bong we call him, was getting socko tight wid de Old Monk, and when gets thoda drunk, little little ‘pangas' come out, and den Harry Kane missed dat penalty… and Banerjee turns to me and shouts, "Bastard maka
pao its all your fault, so buggered it up."

"The suspense is killing me, Lobo Lobo spill it, what did you do?"

"So Dikuna men, it was de finals, 1981, it was us, Glaxose vs one Goan team Dempo, till de fiftiet mint, we were 1-2 down, and we were awarded a penalty dat would have enabled us to draw level."

"Then what happened," I asked quite transfixed.

"See, at dat point, de question was who should tek de kick? Banerjee, our Chitty Chitty Bong Bong was de penalty specialist, so nachurally, he tought, he was de man, but sumting got into me. I heard two voices in my head, one was from de Almighty…"

"And the second voice?"

"It came from my udder God… the God of football, the one and only Brazilian superstar... Pele. He tolded to me in my mind, ‘Theo... you should take the penalty'."

"I'm fearing the worst, Lobo Lobo…"

"Dikuna men, so I did all my preparations, I lined up… and I ran in… but just at de last minute as I was about to kick, I remembered my Myrtle telling me, ‘Eh duffer Theo, don't forget to buy some poke from Sewri on your way home' - for a second I lost focus… I took de kick and de ball went sailing over de post and we lost de match."

Lobo Lobo went silent.

"Last night, Banerjee got more and more tight, he toh went fully mad on me. Forty years he has held dis anger inside him. How much he yelled at me, ‘Bastard bloody maka pao..you should have let me take the penalty… I would have been the one, bloody maka pao'."

"I'm sorry to hear this Lobo Lobo... so I hope all is forgiven and you'll all be watching the Argentina-France finals tonight?"

"No men, I can't, I'm heading now to Churchill Bros Club in Vashi men. Toda depressed I'm feeling, men, I'll take one two pegs men, all will be well!"

And with that, Lobo Lobo walked away.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com