ICE ICE baby

Donald Trump and Melania were on a date nightldquoAh Melhellip I got my Venezuelan dude we were in and out of Caracas in no time and he and the missus have been popped into a US jail mdash unprecedented audacious sure Bush Jr got Saddam in rsquo91 and Barack snatched Bin Laden but this one you gotta admithellip pinpoint precision mdash wow wohoooo My fans say that Operation Absolute Resolve will be one of my legacies I beg to differ I have many more coups planned far more daring and box office worthy This was just the test run next one I will have a camera crew Then a series for Netflix lsquoTrump mdash Live and Dangerousrdquo he smiled to himselfldquoSome people think I did it for the approval ratings others feel I did it for the oil sure mdash but thatrsquos only half of itrdquoldquoSo why did you do it Donnierdquo Melania askedldquoBecause I can Irsquom the man Irsquom the King of the World Irsquom President of the US of A I rule the universe Irsquom the ultimate badass everyonersquos scared shitless of me theyrsquore thinking lsquowhorsquos Trump going to go after now whorsquos next on the kidnap listrsquo mdash see Irsquove found the formula Pick a country with a tyrannical leader tyrantdespot dictator mdash but their country must have something I deeply want like uranium gold silver diamonds mdash or something that you desirerdquoldquoLike whatrdquo she askedldquoI know you adore porcelain or Reticulated Python bags or just precious animals Like take Persia or Iran mdash known for its Persian Cats Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khameini is a dictator and therersquos terrible unrest in Iran protests strikes all across the country So Irsquom gonna get our guys to fly into Teheran capture lsquool Khameini airlift him straight into prison mdash meanwhile we grab a bunch of the most unique Persian cats mdash and call it Operation Meow MeowrdquoTrump took a contemplative pauseldquoSee Venezuela Colombia even Greenland which is mine for the taking are small fry I want to go after the Big Daddys If I kidnap even one of them thatrsquoll be a game changerrdquoldquoAre you planning to go into Israelrdquo Melania askedldquoNo no Irsquom planning to buy Israel Benjie Netanyahu and I have been chatting on FaceTime I can buy Israel and then lease it out to him Irsquom also keen to usurp the Gaza Strip and build my villas and my high end casinosrdquoldquoWhat about Indiardquo she askedldquoYou mean fly into New Delhi in my Apache helicopter and grab Mr Modi Ummm difficulthellip man travels so much donrsquot know where he is at any point of timeNo no my next stop is China It irks me that Chinese President Xi Jinping gets an unlimited term in office while I get only four years Also he has a significant lsquopersonality cultrsquo I want his statusChina is going to be dumbstruck by this plus I love authentic Chinese food Peking Duck yummmm so letrsquos ruffle China now Operation Chicken Chow Mein is what Irsquoll call itrdquoldquoSo what is your final stoprdquo asked Mrs Trump ldquoWho do you want to capture mostrdquoldquoWhat do you think Vlad I gotta get Vladimr and put in him in in handcuffs Man wouldnrsquot that be ossum we send the troops in by night it would be impossible to get into the Kremlin so our intelligence agencies will find a time when hersquos on his ranch Get him I win mdash see what he couldnrsquot do in Ukraine Irsquove done effortlessly in VenezuelaNow tell me my dear what do you desire mostrdquo he askedldquoDonnie I want us to have a private zoo full of lions and tigers and gorillas and zebras and giraffes and baboons and hippos and kingfishershellip can you make it happenrdquoldquoHmmmmm interesting Irsquoll need to go after one of the African strongmendictators the lowest hanging fruit is William Ruto Hersquos unpopular corrupt and Kenya is unhappy mdash let me get him out of Nairobi while I get a team to go into Masai Maara and get all the animals and birdsrdquoldquoDonnie love your plan what will you call the operationrdquoldquoI will call it lsquoOperation Hippo Hippo Hoorayrsquordquo he concludedRahul daCunha is an adman theatre directorplaywright filmmaker and traveller Reach him at rahuldacunhamiddaycom