I’ll see you down the road

How do you discuss with an ageing parent the subject of mortality of death Or the possibility of being in a medical situation where the doctor insists on an aggressive treatment that the patient does not want Or if the patient prefers a certain mode of treatment but the adult children disagreeShould you discuss it If yes what is a good way to do it And when I donrsquot think therersquos one answer that fits all But I can share my experiences with our remarkable parents Papa and Amma S Rammohan and Indu SheddeYears ago Papa when hale and hearty informed us that whenever he passed away he wanted his body donated to medical science He gave us a filledup body donation form registered with JJ Hospital Amma and I also signed the body donation forms I thought it awesome that I could still be of use to someone even after I was gone We filed the papers somewhere and forgot all about them Papa passed away much latermdashone moment he was having tea and the next moment he was gone I was at the Toronto International Film Festival TIFF in 2012 when I got the news I collapsed then scrambled to book the first flight back My sister Akku Sarayu Kamat called to say Papa would not be there when I got home to Bombay as he wanted his body donated to medical science the body had to be sent within a few hours of death Amma and she were doing OK she added I was to moderate TIFFrsquos Asian Film Summit discussion the next day with Mira Nair Guneet Monga et al There was only one way to decide what would Papa have wanted me to do He would have been outraged if I abandoned my assignment So with a split brain I calmly moderated the discussion and then broke down completely on the flight homeAs Amma is 98 it was wise not to postpone the discussion on the medical treatment she preferred in case it became necessaryAmma is quite independent and feisty Still when broaching the subject I first reminded her of my favourite sculpture in Ajanta Caves Cave No 26 of the Reclining Buddha who has passed away and entered Parinirvana Therersquos a row of followers below him mourning and a row of people above welcoming him in grand celebrationmdashhow differently various people perceive the same eventThen we recalled our relatives who have passed away whom Amma was fond ofmdashtheyrsquore all partying on the other side I told her Together we compile a list including Papa Kanna Pachchi Ammarsquos sister Kamala Divgi Aai Ammarsquos mother Vatsalakka Ammarsquos beloved aunt Usha another aunt Padmini a second cousin and many othersThen we discussed what kinds of medical treatment shersquos okay with if it becomes necessary Amma said shersquos OK with regular treatment in a hospital eg saline medicines etc But in case of a serious prolonged medical condition she said she would not want aggressive medical treatments like chemotherapy electric shocks to revive the heart etc that artificially prolong life It is important to sign a ldquoliving willrdquo as it is calledmdashbest drafted by a lawyer and vetted by a doctormdashspecifying which kinds of treatment are acceptable and which are not when yoursquore in control of your mind and body in case a time comes when yoursquore not in controlThe living will must respect the patientrsquos wishes above all it must be countersigned by two ldquosurrogate decision makersrdquo and two witnesses From most accounts the medical system is geared to prolonging lifemdashsometimes at any costmdashwhich can be torture for the patient Doctors sometimes also refer to a ldquoDNRrdquo or ldquodo not resuscitaterdquo order not to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation CPR if a patientrsquos heart or breathing stops For body donation after death you need to fill up a body donation form issued by a hospital that accepts body donations ideally relatively near youmdashsuch as JJ Hospital in Mumbai or MGM Hospital Kamothe but there must be many others The form signed by the body donor and two witnesses must receive a registration number from the hospitalA few days after the papers were signed I asked Amma if she had any bad thoughts or worries or nightmares ldquoNot at all I forgot all about itrdquo said our darling Amma who is content and has learnt to live lightly and in the momentMeenakshi Shedde is India and South Asia Delegate to the Berlin International Film Festival National Awardwinning critic curator to festivals worldwide and journalistReach her at meenakshisheddemiddaycom