Reflections on a little faecal matter

There are certain things you donrsquot talk about in polite company unless you want to be escorted to the exit There are things we whisper like telling someone their zipper is open or their breath smells a little off We use cute euphemisms for excretory functions We see men about dogs we powder our noses we spend a penny we go weewee Donrsquot ever say you want to urinate or else the partyrsquos over for youWe use the restroom we take care of business we do a number two we pinch a loaf but heaven forbid you defecate And shit we definitely do not Ugh Who does thatSo you could say I was truly gobsmacked when Justin my ChineseAustralian student with Aspergerrsquos syndrome asked me point blank ldquoWhat is the best way to clean the butt after poopingrdquo Children with Aspergerrsquos tend to say it as they see it unfiltered and uneditedHis questions were exquisitely detailed logistical and anatomical When both toilet paper and a shower spray are available in which order should they be used A dry wipe followed by a wet cleanHow do you aim a jet of water horizontally at an opening that is accessible verticallyIs it okay to use soapWhat if therersquos no water Is toilet paper alone enough What if therersquos only water Is that good enoughI could add my questions to these What if yoursquore out in the open with a lota of water that you can not directly aim at the opening no matter how you contort yourselfJustin and I spent the next hour immersed in the minutiae of postdefecation colorectal hygiene He was riveted This was vital information he had never received not at school not from his parents not in textbooksUnderstanding why a loving Indian parent would shy away from teaching his kids how to clean their bottoms requires a deep dive into the odd Indian notions of purity and pollution quite different from cleanliness and hygiene Certain things like shoes and certain castes are deemed irredeemably impure dealing with them will pollute youAccording to development economist Pravin Kishore ldquoIndians also view anything coming out of anal urinary or genital orifices as impure and pollutingrdquo Even taking onersquos face close to the commode could be polluting Yoursquoll not find an Indian vomiting into the toiletDefecation is a notch lower than sexmdashnot only inevitable and inescapable but malodorous and thoroughly yucky The act of cleaning it alone would pollute the cleaning hand and the soap that was used both would need washing later Much better to teach children how to floss and brush their teethFor most Indian parents sex and bumcleaning are subjects best left alone Their darling daughter will never learn that she can avoid urinary tract infections by wiping front to backIrsquove put together this laymanrsquos guide to the care maintenance and upkeep of the bottom line full of fun facts and littleknown factoidsThe impure anus is the only part of your body you will never see in your lifetime not even looking over your shoulder into a mirror Since the wealthier among us will have selfheating commodes replete with multiple bidet options including temperature and pressure control we can leave them out of this enquiry Our interest is in the havenots and the whatnotsA good starting point suggested by Dr Haniraj Chulani chief of colorectal surgery at Lilavati Hospital is to note that animals do a pretty decent job lowering their haunches and neatly expelling their wastes without the need for any further cleaning Thatrsquos a benchmark1 Toilet paper alone cannot do the job Imagine wiping your hands with tissue paper after eating chicken curry and rice with your hands and yoursquoll get the logic If using toilet paper the recommended wiping movement especially for girls is front to back and gently mdash this is sensitive thin skin Use a blotting movement rather than a wiping movement2 Water alone is sufficient Dr Evan Goldstein anal surgeon is a champion of the nowiping approach ldquoWe all wipe so much so what happens over time People tear the skin It gets irritated It gets angry at usrdquo He proposes using water which can clean without causing harm3 Soap is not recommended Soap can mess up the biome be allergenic and dry up the area4 Leave the place dry Moisture can irritate the bottom line For the same reason wet wipes are not a good idea ldquoI think all the companies out there throwing wipes should be bannedrdquo says Dr Goldstein ldquoI see 90 patients a week and onethird of them have wet wipeinduced issuesrdquo Wet wipes can change the microbiome and upset the balance of good and bad bacteria there leading to dermatitis and infectionsSome of you may be muttering that Gopinath is in uncharted waters today venturing where better men fear to tread For ye who doubt the sagacity of todayrsquos unspeakable column herersquos wisdom from eminent gastroenterologist and toilet whisperer Dr Sameer Islam in a brisk YouTube video viewable at httpsyoutubeItFKEtEt4q4siwhyEh8wPjAKyY5A_Trust me this man knows his shitLetrsquos talk about BombaiClick the QR code above to join my WhatsApp group to share your Bombai stories for my bookmdashand perhaps answer some of my Bombai questionsYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper