What to do before swiping left

There is something conclusively damning about waving your hand to the left That little movement says without using words ldquoDismissedrdquo Rejected Unworthy Waste of time Ugh EwwwA medieval king in his court could have a petitioner taken away in midsentence by slightly shifting his left hand to the left in royal rejection A political leader could dismiss an entire opposition party by moving his left hand a few inches further to the left Itrsquos Indiarsquos toilet hand and the worldrsquos trash handIts online version is swiping left most commonly encountered in dating apps like Tinder Bumble Hinge and so on For those unfamiliar with them let me explain Irsquoll assume a male user rather than imagine what a female user sees Upon launching the app he will be shown a glossy image of a female most likely tweaked touched up and enhanced till even she cannot believe her eyesLetrsquos talk about Bombai Click the QR code above to join my WhatsApp group to share your Bombai stories for my bookmdashand perhaps answer some of my Bombai questionsThere may be several photos showing her dressed like a Kardashian posed thrillingly against exotic Paris the dunes of Dubai or the pyramids Even if she is a street food vendor in real life online she can be classy unattainable and bewitching Scrolling will reveal sketchy details such as height education marital status distance from your location languages spoken and a few keywords indicating what she likes or looks forThe details donrsquot say much Most men skim quickly through the selfies coming rapidly to conclusions about character disposition and compatibility In a few seconds they will reach the swipe momentmdashleft or right Swiping right will send a message to her that someone has lsquolikedrsquo her left will take him to the next girl in the queueIt is fashionable to deride how dating apps promote skindeep judgements based only on looks skin colour and demeanour but a Tinder boymeetsgirl is no different from a traditional Indian dikhava where a prospective bride is paraded briefly before her hopeful match Even if they meet it will be a shallow evening of best behaviours and fake smiles A matrimonial wish list whether presented in an ad or a parental discussion carries details just as superficial as a Tinder profileYears later when conversations have run dry and they sleep in separate rooms do they wonder if they should have done something different in those first few meetings Here are four things Irsquove learned1Pay attention to the words Everyone wants to be seen From the first moment of the first meeting they will signal who they are by word look and gesture The first words the first questions the first smiles the first nods the first pupil dilations everything is a selfrevealSo too are the words that are avoided never said Words not spoken can be toxic and painful when they finally emergemdashin the 14th year of your marriageWe are not taught to pay attention to these signs Instead we imagine who this person is projecting our hopes and wishes on them seeing what we want to see Soon we have created our fantasy narrative about them You will have the rest of your marriage to discover who they really areShe may be a child of abuse estranged from her father She tells you however that she has no father You are so sorry to have inadvertently brought up such a painful topic You never mention it again He may never say Thank you or Sorry You explain this to yourself that he believes in showing not saying2 Find out what words mean to them Words like caring love help and happiness These are words defined for each of us differently by our families and childhoods Relationship coach James Michael Sama says ldquoMonths years or even decades of being treated a certain way writes a story in your mind about what love means And what caring help and happiness look likerdquoFor you help might mean lending a hand To the other person it could be ldquoIrsquom going to do this for you but now I own you and you have to do this for merdquo3 What are their friendships like If you decide to marry you will do many things friends do travel together talk all night bingewatch movies and share secrets You will also do one thing friends donrsquot typically do have sex The friends they pick and how they are with them will tell you a lot about what your life together will be Are the friendships full of drama Do they endure Is there trust Suspicion Forgiveness What you see in their friendships is what you will get in your marriage4 How do they take care of themselves The time will come when one will be called to take care of the other Health will fail knees will collapse and age will creep up You donrsquot know whose name will be called first but no one can take care of someone else better than they take care of themselves Pay attention to this in those early days and yoursquoll learn what to expect from your future togetherAsk these questions and if you like the answers why waitSwipe rightYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback tomailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper