Psychologists, healers on using a tool to help people deal with shadow traits

Remember how Peter Pan lost his shadow and Wendy stitched it on again We all have a metaphorical shadow like that the one that carries the traits we dislike or uncomfortable emotions that we cannot process By and by this shadow becomes laden with things we repress push into the dark Like Peter Panrsquos it can take a mischievous life of its own unless we make peace with itThatrsquos where shadow work comes in The NLP Neurolinguistic Programming tool is based on psychologist Carl Jungrsquos shadowrsquos archetypes and has become a functional tool to develop an allrounded sense of self It can come as a step in longstanding psychotherapy or used as an independent exercise to untangle a mess of emotions and conceptsThe easiest way to catch a trait we are repressing or are unable to process emotionally is to recognise what we dislike in others ldquoItrsquos a trait that we hide from ourselves and the world for fear of being judgedrdquo says Priyanka Shukla a clinical hypnotherapist and spiritual life coach ldquoThe word say laziness will be charged for you One reacts rather than responds to itrdquo To avoid being labelled lsquolazyrsquo you become a workaholic diligent and a perfectionistPriyanka ShuklaAs Shukla explains ldquoApproval acceptance unconditional love and acknowledgement are the emotional needs of every person In an attempt to fulfil these we drop unlovable traits to become more lovablerdquoShe likens our personality to a large bungalow with many useful rooms and one by one we shut the doors to some rooms in an attempt to be accepted ldquoBy and by you are using only one or two roomsrdquo says the inner child healer ldquoYou will never be happy until you feel complete and this wonrsquot happen until you give yourself acceptance acknowledgement approval and unconditional loverdquoShuklarsquos process for shadow work is embedded in the inner child healing process Most people walk this path when they are depressed anxietyridden or have repetitive destructive patternsKushagra Singh got in touch with his dark side and harnessed it for his acting abilities NLP facilitator Manjiri Latey suggests personifying the traits skulking in the shadows and conversing with them Pic M Fahim HR professional Sonal Kamath recognised that she was reluctant to show the gratitude she yearned for PicM FahimManjiri Latey a Master NLP trainer and specialist in outdoor education sees the integration of the shadow self and the one in the light as the moving towards ldquoadvaitardquo or nonduality ldquoWe like people who are like usrdquo says Latey who is based in Pune ldquoAnd we define ourselves by the qualities that are socially acceptable like lsquoI am a good cookrsquo though you may not really align with this You may start becoming hyperactive to avoid an uncomfortable feeling Shadow work leads to an acceptance of self and others It moves you towards nonjudgment and authentic livingrdquoShe recommends a simple exercise to help you work through whatrsquos irritating you the most Working with laziness again she suggests ldquoTake Mr Lazy in front of you and you are Ms Activerdquo she says ldquoWhat can you take from Mr Lazy and what can Mr Lazy take from you You may realise you could learn to relax a bit and Mr Lazy could gain from motivation Slowly you come to a midpointrdquo Eventually it becomes a reflex to reflect upon what you can assimilate from a person who ticks you offShukla says real change is when you are not bothered by being told lsquoYou are lazyrsquo 10 times a day Her exercise for shadow work involves a layered questionnaire to arrive at the core of the matter ldquoWe dig into a personrsquos childhood to find where she first labelled or shamed for it We heal that memory and then pick out the gifts of laziness such as being at ease relaxed and calm or being efficient and a smart worker to gain the maximum result with minimum effort Eventually you see that all traits are good if you learn to use them in balancerdquoShukla has seen this to be most helpful in teenagers who get addicted to substances or canrsquot handle peer pressure Many a times they are reacting to a parentrsquos control over them conditional love ldquoWe love you when you are politerdquo or rewardbased parenting if you behave in a way we approve you can have the new iPhone The saboteur in them who exists in all of us reaches out to addictive substances which are soothing agents ldquoSo we first tap into the void created by dysfunctional parenting and trauma and heal the wounded inner child as it is the most important reason behind an active rebel or saboteur taking complete charge of the teenrsquos liferdquo she saysLatey has applied these techniques with a person as young as an 11yearold and even an 89yearold who ldquowanted to go to the grave with closure and no open loopsrdquo The young boy was labelled an angry boy ldquoDuring the process we realised that the boy was not angry he was frustrated by his environmentrdquo says Latey ldquoHe had heard his parents call him an angry child and was using their lexicon to define himselfrdquo With tools to negotiate and process his frustration the child was able to manage emotions better Latey believes that everyone is primed up for change and all we need is personalisation of toolsNidhie Sagar who lives in Shimla was introduced to shadow work while undergoing an NLP workshop It led to a selfdiscovery that fascinated surprised and humbled her ldquoI saw myself through the lens of my shadow I considered myself better or holier than othersrdquo says the NLP trainer and Past Life Regression therapist ldquoI pitied some people and saw them as lsquobechararsquordquo In particular her judgment was reserved for a friend whom she considered a bad parentldquoShe was a single parent and had taken to alcohol habitually and relied on merdquo she says ldquoFrom seeing myself as her saviour I had gone to being resentful My tone was one of constant reprimandrdquo An inner journey showed her that she was ldquoquite an arrogant b who would lose people and core relationships if I continued like this Future me looked like a rigid lonely unapproachable personrdquoThis harsh truth unravelled her attitude and she saw that everyone operates within a different version of reality What looked like alcohol addiction to her was a soothing mechanism for her friend ldquoShe was trying to dissolve herself in alcohol so that she is not a liability to anyonerdquo Kushagra Singh who lives in Delhi was curious about his dark side As a hobbyist actor it was a place to draw creative material from ldquoItrsquos easy to develop a spiritual ego when one sets on a path of selfdiscoveryrdquo says the civil engineer He set out to not only uncover and integrate with his dark side but also harness its power ldquoI used to suppress anger and go into a spin of guilt and shame when I lost my temper I discovered that anger has its place Hanumanji has displayed it when necessaryrdquo He says itrsquos a work in progress but he is able to stop and think about whether a situation needs him to display anger And if he does so impulsively he is more forgiving of himself and is able to break the cycle of shame and guilt ldquoI have a vantage point to view the situation and the role of anger in itrdquo he saysSonnal Kaamath first experienced the power of shadow work in 2019 She lived with the resentment of not being appreciated or thanked for the labour she put in at work at home and her marriage ldquoHowever I was always enlisted if there was work to be donerdquo says the senior human resources executive ldquoI realised that I had a problem showing gratitude toomdashbe it thanking my intern or my tailorrdquoThe Pune resident began journalling recognising all the little things of privilege ldquoI would give thanks for fuel for a carrdquo she says ldquoAnd slowly things began to change I was transitioning to a new job and within two months my senior said lsquoI am excited to work with you Your reputation precedes yoursquordquo The appreciation kept rolling She was told ldquoWe need more employees like yourdquoWhen the juggernaut of the COVID19 pandemic flattened life as we knew it Kaamath and her mothermdashwho lives close bymdashshared domestic labour ldquoWe did it instinctively If I was making dal and rice she would cook the roti and sabzi Our work was halved and she appreciated my effort There was mutual gratituderdquoOn the threshold of stepping away from a discontent marriage she recognised she nagged her husband ldquoI looked where I criticised myself and realised I was judgmental about my appearancerdquo says Kaamath ldquoI began building acceptance and slowly saw that I was able to let go many grousesrdquo They separated but remain cordial coparents ldquoWe were to take a holiday and he just called me to say lsquoYou are picky about hotel rooms so you book those Irsquoll take care of the travelrsquo We were able to enjoy a holiday as a family without nitpickingrdquo Her epiphany was that ldquothe world outside reflects the world insiderdquo