Are we using our partners to climb the career ladder?

Keeping aside the customary label of ‘sacred'; marriages are also a nexus of dreams. Behind the polished facade of power couples, a nuanced story unfolds - where personal ambition turns wedding vows into strategic career prospects. With unequal power dynamics, spousal relations tend to undergo a twist. Especially, when one partner's rise begins to cast shadows on the other's sacrifice.

Such is the case of the Indian civil servant Jyoti Maurya and her husband, Alok Maurya. Unnerving revelations about Jyoti's integrity stunned the nation and incited social media backlash recently. Her spouse, Alok - a Grade-4 employee with the Uttar Pradesh government, claims that she abandoned the 13-year-long marriage upon clearing the provincial civil service exam to become a Sub-Divisional Magistrate.

Alok goes on to allege that he undertook loans to support his wife's career objectives. While Jyoti Maurya's narrative gained widespread attention, a comparable incident emerged in Madhya Pradesh. In this instance, the husband, Kamru Hathile left his wife Mamata, who provided financial support while he was unemployed. Upon becoming a tax officer, he not only abandoned her but also went on to tie the knot with another woman.

Unfortunately, this trend seems to persist. In yet another case, Kanhai Pandit from Jamshedpur worked day and night to pay off an enormous debt undertaken for his wife's nurse training program. Upon completion of the course, his spouse - Kalpana Devi absconded. Later, Pandit learned that she had eloped with another man with their 10-year-old son.

Partner's hand - a road to love or a ladder to success?
These incidents bring to light a daunting question: Are we using our partners to climb the career ladder? Global career coach Mehar Sindhu Batra opines that in a healthy relationship, spouses must empower each other to attain their best potential. This also implies utilising their partner's agency to advance personal career goals.

Mehar Sindhu Batra

In pursuit of success, spousal relations may switch from banal exchange of love to calculated dynamics fueled by passion. There could be multiple factors driving this accord. Batra shares that often partners leverage each other's strengths and connections to achieve mutual success. A spouse's professional network opens access to valuable contacts that might not have been accessible otherwise.

In certain industries, having a spouse with influence can also help in navigating complex bureaucracies. Additionally, pooling resources, skills, and knowledge becomes the key to creating a stronger foundation for shared career goals. For instance, one partner's financial stability can provide the other with the freedom to pursue riskier or less immediately profitable career paths.

In such scenarios, the differentiating factor for power couples is to view their marriage as a strategic alliance and acknowledge each other's support in professional growth. However, with differing influences and unequal social status, comes a rift between certain couples. To counter this, relationship coach Anjali Tyagi remarks that it is imperative to observe your spouse for discerning sincerity vs. self-interest.

When one spouse climbs higher on the success ladder
For couples who develop rifts due to unequal status - experts say that success in one partner's career can lead to changes in power dynamics within the relationship. This shift might create feelings of insecurity, resentment, or a lack of balance. Feelings of envy may also sprout as one partner's success significantly overshadows the other's achievements.

In certain cases, as one partner's career takes off, their time commitments and priorities begin to clash with the needs of the relationship. As one spouse tends to devote more time and energy to personal goals, the other half tends to feel neglected and senses a communication breakdown. Additionally, the partner who isn't experiencing the same level of career success might struggle with a sense of loss of identity or purpose.

Batra shares potential traits of partners who priortise success over their spouse's needs:
1. The spouse is only affectionate or intimate with you when it's convenient for them or when they get something tangible out of it.
2. The person appears disinterested in you after their needs are met.
3. They start getting reluctant to compromise and expect too many favours in the name of being partners.

Tyagi remarks that a giveaway characteristic of such spouses is excessive self-focus and a disregard for their partner's feelings. "Watch if they hide you from their professional life. If they regularly seek career favours, exploit your resources, and lack support for your goals, it's a warning. Imbalance in emotional investment and disrespect for your achievements are red flags."

Anjali Tyagi

From growing together to growing apart
Career advancements can lead to changes in lifestyle, social circles, and financial circumstances, which may highlight disparities between partners. Trust and intimacy erode as the relationship becomes transactional, causing emotional distance and resentment. This shift damages the relationship's quality, replacing emotional connection with one-sided ambition, informs Tyagi.

Self-centeredness and overshadowing their partner's needs can have repercussions. Both partners suffer, feeling empty and worried. Undue exploitation harms communication and unmet needs worsen the deterioration. This behaviour may also damage relationships within the mutual circle and risk professional reputation.

No two people can have the same levels of aspirations and ambitions. Batra has come across cases where one partner belittles the other's goals to the extent that they feel small and intimidated. This leads to emotional blackmail or manipulation which distresses the relationship as the two tend to grow apart owing to conflicting priorities.

While the intimate spousal space suffers, professional success opens a myriad of chances for the one with the higher power. Opportunities for new connections and experiences knock on the door and expose partners to potential distractions or temptations. Sometimes, as individuals evolve professionally and personally, they might realise that they have grown in different directions and do not align with their current partner anymore.

Consequently, spouses tend to seek a partner outside their marriage. The idea of seeking a partner who is "better" than oneself is complex. A person with admirable qualities carries a charm that commands desirability. As humans, we often seek partners who can potentially contribute to our personal growth and development. This aspiration to become better can drive individuals to seek partners outside marriage, who challenge them to excel further.

Navigating the pitfalls of unequal power dynamics
Modern couples often have higher expectations for personal fulfillment and happiness in their relationships. If these expectations sprout from a hunger for more success, they may feel inclined to end the relationship. Societal shifts towards individualism and a quick-fix mentality are also empowering spouses to seek more for themselves.

In such times, navigating the ambitions within marital partnerships can become tricky. Batra reflects on ways spouses can positively contribute to each other's careers without crossing into exploitation. "Have a conversation early on to develop an egalitarian relationship. That's a thriving relationship where the benefits, duties, and obligations are equally shared by the partners."

If one is less motivated or ambitious than the other, it needs to be talked about early on in the relationship. If you're not okay with their low drive for growth - voice it. If you're okay with (financially) supporting because of a great drive for ambition, try not to judge them. It becomes crucial to celebrate big and small wins and prioritising each other's well-being despite unmatched social status.

Batra remarks that it's not problematic to leverage your partner's resources as long you are not completely relying on them to be successful. Finding a door open and working hard towards it with minimal to no influence from your partner makes it more ethical.

Normalising personal growth outside career goals
Additionally, beware of self-interest - watch for deceit, secrecy, and lack of empathy. Trust, open communication, and shared goals form a strong partnership base. Discuss values and future plans, ensuring consistent behaviour. Intuition matters so it is advisable to address concerns openly. When things go out of hand, resorting to therapy can offer insights, shares Tyagi.

The 20th century saw the rise of women. The 21st century will determine whether men can adjust to the outcomes of that empowerment. This transformation is inherently challenging, marked by occasional setbacks. To brave this change, Tyagi informs that it is crucial to value each other's contributions towards equality. Sustaining a balanced relationship through respect, honesty, and ongoing communication will pave the way forward.

Effective navigation of career-related power dynamics requires openness and understanding from both spouses. Acknowledge the potential imbalances that exist and address concerns upfront. Define shared goals and lay out clear roles for support. Another important measure is to hold regular, thoughtful discussions to meet both spouses' needs. The beneficiary should show gratitude and assist beyond work. The helper must set boundaries and avoid dominance.