Betrayed in love: Emotional cheating leading to heartbreaks in couples

In a recent study conducted by an extra-marital dating app, Gleeden, infidelity in relationships in India is predominantly driven by a lack of love, attention, care, and affection from partners. Emotional cheating, a form of infidelity characterized by deep emotional connections with someone outside the relationship, is becoming increasingly prevalent and equally devastating for couples.

According to Shahzeen Shivdasani, a relationship expert and author of "Love, Lust, and Lemons," emotional cheating involves forming intimate bonds with others without physical involvement. Gleeden's research highlights that emotional cheating often occurs with someone already known to the person, such as a friend, colleague, or a friend of their partner.

Sybil Shiddell, Country Manager, Gleeden, India highlights that those emotionally cheating on their partners mostly end up cheating with someone they already know. 26 per cent of respondents who participated in the research study have cheated on their partners with a friend, 25 per cent with a colleague and 23 per cent with their partner's friend. This indicates that familiarity plays a key role in emotional cheating when choosing a suitable individual for an affair. It is essential to look at the ‘proximity' factor that leads to emotional cheating. It occurs when two individuals develop a strong bond after spending a long time together in a shared environment.

Shiddell says, "When someone looks elsewhere for emotional support or connection, it could indicate that there are underlying problems in the relationship that need to be addressed and fixed."

Possible reasons behind emotional cheating
Couples that don't communicate well with one another may feel frustrated and disconnected and stand a high chance of emotional cheating. A partner in such a relationship that lacks communication may seek sympathy and understanding from someone else.

Shivdasani states some common reasons why a partner might seek emotional support or connection outside of a relationship
1. Feeling neglected or unappreciated in the relationship
2. Seeking attention not received from their partner
3. Boredom in a stagnant relationship, seeking novelty elsewhere
4. Fulfilling emotional needs that their partner fails to address

Identifying emotional cheating may not always be easy, but some signs include:
1. Being emotionally distant from the partner
2. Developing a suspicious new friendship
3. Exhibiting emotional unavailability
4. Frequently talking about a particular person

Shivdasani warns that emotional affairs can potentially lead to physical ones, making it crucial to address the issue honestly with one's partner. Open communication is essential to understand underlying relationship issues and work towards rebuilding trust and setting new boundaries.

Addressing emotional cheating
"The only way to address this with your partner is to come clean about it," says Shivdasani. "You need to sit them down, talk to them about it and acknowledge why they felt the need to seek emotional support outside the relationship. Discuss with your partner about aspects that might be lacking in the relationship and how both of you can find a way out. Check if they are willing to work with you going ahead on the relationship."

Seconding this, Shiddell suggests approaching the situation responsibly and attentively by being honest with your partner about their emotional issues and their need for additional support. She says, "Each person and each relationship is special. What works for one may not for someone else. It's crucial for people to consider their needs, be open with their partners and make decisions that are consistent with both their own principles and the dynamics of their relationships."

Right and wrong of emotional cheating
When asked if emotional infidelity is wrong and whether anyone emotionally cheating on their partner should be looked at negatively, Shivdasani says, "It's definitely wrong because it indicates that the relationship is having some issues. If you were completely content in your relationship, why would you need emotional support from outside?"

She adds, "The one emotionally cheating on their partner ends up breaking trust by stepping outside their relationship for emotional connection. However, it depends on the person who is being cheated and how they want to look at it. It's very personal and depends on their personal boundaries. It's up to them how they choose to work through those negative emotions and forgive their partner."

On the contrary, Shiddell says, "It is critical to address the subject of emotional infidelity without moralising or passing judgement. People's relationships and emotions are extremely complicated and subject to a variety of influences. Unmet wants, unresolved issues with a partner or even a desire for personal development can all lead to emotional relationships with people outside of one's primary partnership. It is more beneficial to promote open communication and understanding between partners than to strictly consider emotional cheating as negative."

Trauma that follows emotional infidelity and the way out
Any form of cheating be it physical or emotional, can be traumatic for a partner. Shivdasani says, "It can really take a toll on the way you view yourself. It can also affect your self-esteem and can come as a shock. So, the best way for a person to process all of this is to take time and figure out if they still want the relationship to work. It would also help to get some therapy on the side to help work through your emotions or with a friend that you trust to talk it through."

Here are some ways to deal with emotional cheating as a couple:
1. Give the person being cheated space to process what has happened.
2. Let them know that the emotional affair is over, if you have ended it. Be honest.
3. Let them know your needs and understand their needs as well

Work on rebuilding trust, and setting new boundaries
Seek couples counselling to be able to help yourself with setting those new boundaries as well as processing each other's emotions so that there's no resentment.

Changing definition of love over time
Considering the commonality of emotional cheating Shiddell shares, emotional cheating becoming more and more common brings up significant issues regarding how love, relationships and cultural expectations have changed through time. It is essential that people and society carry out open dialogues about these issues in order to promote empathy and understanding while upholding respect for all points of view.

"Emotional cheating ultimately serves as a reminder of the value of honest communication, empathy and emotional openness in relationships, regardless of the social setting in which they take place. In order to successfully navigate the difficulties of love and dating in today's environment, it is crucial for individuals to establish their own boundaries and expectations and have open communication."

Tips to strengthen and nurture your relationship
Shivdasani says that instead of choosing any form of cheating, people should really focus on dating the way they did initially and not take the relationship for granted. She suggests making time for date nights, trying a new hobby together or picking up some activity you both enjoy doing together.

A lot of the time, Shivdasani says, you get too settled when the relationship gets comfortable with family and friends and start prioritising other things. The more you stay connected, the less chance of emotional cheating in a relationship. This is not to say cheating can't take place at all. It's important to just do your best to nurture your relationship and also understand at the same time that you are not in charge of the way someone grows and how they deal with certain emotions.

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