Ladies, here’s how talking sex with your girl gang can help you navigate your sexual needs

Believe it or not, your girl gang can tell you what no amount of sexual content available on the internet can. Numerous Hollywood and Bollywood movies and TV shows are an explicit testament to this. Your besties can tell you everything from how to have sex to what you must absolutely not do in bed. "Normalising having conversations about sex and pleasure empowers women to explore and navigate their sex lives effectively," says Niyatii N Shah, intimacy coach, founder and president, Averti Education and Council of Sex Educators for Social Change.

Komal Bhandekar, a 25-year-old, entertainment news writer based in Nagpur says, "This might sound stupid but it was only after conversations with my friends that I discovered that pleasure goes both ways. I had no idea that women experience an orgasm too. My whole perspective towards sex and pleasure changed after that." Prior to this, Komal always wondered why women described sex as the most pleasurable act ever. "Now," she says, "I understand why and I can't agree more."

Similarly, for Dhannyaa Menon (24) who is a content and communication manager and also Komal's friend, having conversations around sex and pleasure greatly helps. "When you're less experienced and are curious to know about things, friends always come to the rescue." This Mumbai resident adds, "In a society like ours where sex continues to be a private topic, one that we cannot talk about with our parents and one which is also considered to be a taboo when spoken about publicly, being able to talk about it with our close friends without the fear of any judgement is a blessing."

The most helpful advice Dhannyaa received from her girl gang was to communicate her physical desires and expectations to her partner and mention clearly what works and does not work for her. "It is the most basic, yet very important advice ever," she says.

Benefits of having candid conversations around sex and female pleasure
Talking about sex and pleasure with close friends creates a safe and supportive space for open communication. When women share their experiences, questions and concerns with each other, they can gain valuable insights and advice.

This open dialogue helps normalise conversations about sexuality and reduces feelings of shame or embarrassment. Discussing these topics with girlfriends can destigmatise sexuality. Society often imposes taboos and misconceptions surrounding sex, which can lead to anxiety or discomfort. By engaging in candid conversations, women can challenge these stereotypes and become more comfortable with their own desires and physical needs.

Further, by sharing experiences and learning from each other, women can discover what brings them pleasure, what they desire in a partner and how to communicate their needs. This knowledge leads to healthier, more fulfilling sexual experiences and strengthening of relationships.

Setting boundaries is important
"Oversharing is bad. You need to draw a line somewhere to keep certain moments of your sexual relationship with your partner special. Besides, one needs to be very careful not to violate the privacy of their partner while sharing details with friends," says Komal.

Dhannya too believes in the same. "Discussing details can be fun but only to a limit. Honestly, no friend would be interested in listening to extremely personal experiences. I wouldn't want to know every little bit of my friends' sex lives." Dhannyaa too talks about sex and pleasure with her friends only when she has a doubt or requires help finding a solution.

According to Shah too, there is a fine line between sharing and oversharing that is always best to be maintained. Since it is very easy for us to cross the line, Shah shares some tips to maintain a boundary.

1. Prioritise comfort:
Share only what you're personally comfortable with. There's no obligation to disclose everything about your sex life.

2. Ask if your friend is comfortable to have the conversation:
While sharing experiences and seeking advice is healthy, avoid oversharing explicit or highly personal information that might make others uncomfortable or create awkward situations. Before sharing intimate details, consider whether your friend is interested in the conversation and if they're comfortable discussing it.

3. Respect your partner's privacy:
Be cautious about sharing explicit details that could potentially invade your partner's privacy or make them uncomfortable. Consider their feelings and boundaries as well.

4. Ensure healthy conversation:
When discussing sex, aim to provide and seek advice and support rather than simply sharing explicit stories. Focus on helping each other navigate challenges and enhancing your understanding of your own desires and boundaries.

5. Be careful when sharing details over social media:
When discussing sex on social media or in digital spaces, remember that the internet is a public forum. Be cautious about sharing sensitive or explicit details that could be accessed by a broader audience.

Tips to create a safe space for friends wanting to talk about sex
It is crucial to be a good listener to your friends when they choose to open up about a personal topic like sex and pleasure. According to Shah, you must do the following to ensure your friends feel safe when sharing intimate details:

1. Be attentive:
When your friend is sharing something important, put away distractions of all kinds. Make eye contact and show through your body language that you are fully present.

2. Be patient:
Allow your friend to express herself at her own pace. Don't rush or interrupt. Sometimes, it takes time for someone to open up about their vulnerabilities.

3. Validate their feelings:
Let your friend know that their feelings are valid and important. Use empathetic statements like, ‘I can see how that would be really tough for you,' or ‘It's completely understandable that you feel this way.'

4. Practice active listening:
Practice active listening by nodding, offering verbal cues like ‘I see,' ‘Go on,' or ‘Tell me more,' and using reflective responses to show you're engaged in the conversation.

5. Avoid judgements:
Refrain from passing judgment or offering unsolicited advice, especially when your friend is sharing something sensitive. Instead, focus on understanding and empathising with their perspective.

6. Respect their privacy:
If your friend chooses not to share certain details or prefers to keep some aspects of their vulnerability private, respect their decision.

It is okay to not feel comfortable talking about sex with friends
Although many women today are opening up about their sex lives to their friends, there are still a few who are not comfortable talking about sex in general, let alone their own experiences.

Both Komal and Dhannyaa speak of having friends who get uncomfortable even at the mention of the word sex. They both agree that it is necessary to respect other people's choices and comfort levels.

For those who find it difficult to talk about sex but wish to, Shah suggests helpful ways

1. Open up to friends who are supportive:
Choose friends who you completely trust and feel most comfortable with. Surrounding yourself with supportive and non-judgmental girlfriends can make these conversations easier.

2. Take your time:
Don't rush the conversation. It's okay to discuss the topic over multiple conversations if needed. Gradually opening up will help you feel more comfortable. If you're feeling shy or uncomfortable, it's okay to admit it.

3. Start with a relevant story:
Sometimes, sharing a relevant anecdote or story can be a good way to ease into the conversation. It can be something you have read, heard or experienced indirectly.

4. Choose the right time:
Wait for a comfortable and private moment when you and your friends are relaxed and not in a hurry. Avoid starting such conversations in public.

5. Ask for their perspective:
Encourage a two-way conversation by asking your friends for their thoughts or experiences on the topic. For instance, you can ask, ‘Have any of you ever felt this way?' or ‘How would you handle a situation like this?'

6. Use humour:
If appropriate, humour can lighten the mood and make the conversation feel less daunting. However, be careful not to make light of serious concerns.

7. Stay open-minded:
Be open to different perspectives and advice. Remember that your friends are there to support you and their input can be valuable.

If you feel emotionally drained after talking to your friends, find their solutions problematic or find yourself becoming overly dependent on them for solutions, it is better to take a step back and reconsider.

According to Shah, taking the help of educational books, reliable online resources, workshops and seminars, documentaries and podcasts and professionals can also help in clearing doubts and educating yourself about sex.